“Who am I?” It’s a question that carries much weight with it. For those who’ve been able to explore the question with a free heart, finding out who you are can be a joy. Beyond that, there are those who have spent too much time needing to be somebody whom others could benefit from. And that can add up to a lot of your adult life spent not prioritizing yourself.
If you want to know if you fit that mold, these 9 signs will help awaken you to the fact that you may have just said yes too many times to everyone except you.
1. You struggle when you ask yourself, “What do I want?”
Would that be because you’ve never had the chance to explore what you want? By that, I don’t necessarily mean you haven’t had the time (although that might be the case, too), but rather, you haven’t been graced with the freedom to be able to.
It can be a real struggle for somebody when they’ve spent all their grown years being the glue for everybody else. You held it all together and made sure those you loved got what they needed, and now you get a moment to reflect on your own life.
And you don’t even know where to begin.
A big part of people-pleasing is that you don’t want to let others down, and as such, you suppress your own needs and wants to the point of not even knowing what they are anymore. This often comes from wanting to avoid conflict, and, in many cases, it is a learned survival technique, so don’t beat yourself up.
That said, you’ll never know who you are and what you want if you continue to deny yourself the permission to find out.
2. Saying no is always accompanied by a side dish of guilt.
What is it about saying no that might feel uncomfortable to you? Is it that you are letting somebody down? Perhaps it’s that you don’t want to be challenged or disliked in some way. That’s understandable, particularly if that’s what you experienced in the past, but those kinds of thoughts are based on an assumption that leads to feelings of guilt, which prevent you from saying no.
So instead, you’ve been who everybody has needed you to be by saying yes. You’ve been that person people go to when they need something because they always know you’ll help them. And if you do say no, those people will take advantage of your feelings of guilt by making you feel worse.
Is that right? No! Guilt-tripping is a manipulative tool used to try to get you to change your mind.
You aren’t selfish for saying no. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
3. You lack energy after the majority of interactions.
Ah, the social mask. Most of us wear one from time to time, but some people more than others. And it demonstrates that it’s possible to function well in a social dynamic, yet feel totally drained afterward because you spent the whole time trying to meet the expectations of everybody else.
In a nutshell, it’s likely that you don’t show up as who you are, but instead spend your whole time performing for the people you’re around just so you can be liked. You’re not saying or doing what you think and want; you’re saying and doing things you think you want others to hear and see.
That’s a huge way of knowing you are spending all your time living for others, abandoning yourself in the process.
4. Your hobbies and interests have been pushed into the distance.
In fact, if I asked you right now what your hobbies and interests are, could you answer me?
“Oh, yes, well, I used to love…” “Sometimes, I do enjoy the idea of…”
These aren’t hobbies; this is a person who has no idea what makes them happy today, and how to even go about fulfilling their needs and wants. That’s because you’ve swept them to the back of your mind and replaced that space with the requests of everyone else.
You’re needed to run an errand for them.
They’re sick, so you have to take care of them.
They call on you for a lift to their interview across the city.
You need to take care of the food for the dinner party on the weekend. Oh, and plan the menu and lay the table.
It’s no wonder people who are constantly trying to make other people comfortable have no autonomy. There’s zero chance of maintaining an identity separate from everyone else’s needs when you’ve never had the time to even build one.
5. Conversations get replayed and cause you to overthink.
“What could I have done better?” “Why didn’t I think about reacting differently?” “I’m sure I could have handled that with more tact.”
There they are, the thoughts in hindsight that keep you awake at 3am. You’re struggling to process an event or situation that you just know you could have played better, if only you could rewind the clock.
What you’re probably forgetting is that you tried your best, in fact, you probably went above and beyond what was asked of you, and you still feel like you could have done a better job.
It’s no wonder you’re unable to determine who you actually are if all you do is self-monitor and analyze how you can perform better for others next time. Think about what it does to you every time you deny yourself in favor of trying to be what they want.
6. You’d rather be liked than be honest.
Holding back on the truth, even though you know you don’t have to be rude or abrupt about it, is a sure sign that you just want to be who everybody needs you to be.
Like if you were my friend and said to me, “Good old Ali! I can always rely on you to back me up!” when we both know that’s not true (see what I did there?). If I am backing somebody up, it’s because I agree with them, not because I want to be the person they need at that moment. If you’re wrong, I’ll tell you.
Does that risk me being not liked? Possibly. But if I’m not liked because I happen to disagree with somebody, then do I want that kind of shallow connection?
Not one bit. And neither should you.
7. If somebody pays you attention, it makes you uncomfortable.
“Who, me?” you say, as you glance behind you to check that the other person isn’t talking to somebody else.
They’re not. Their eyes are locked on you, and they have an interest in what you have to say. Only perhaps you don’t know how to answer because you’re not used to being given the time to do so. You may suddenly become incredibly self-conscious, as you don’t want to appear to be lost for words, and the discomfort builds.
This usually happens when a person who is never given the stage is handed the mic.
And worse still, even answering a simple question like what you’ve been up to comes out sounding like a list of things you’ve done for everybody else, and it becomes an acute awareness in your mind that there’s nothing you did just for you.
Right there. That’s your sign.
8. You abandon your needs.
You might be thinking, “What needs?” And that’d be your sign that you focus too much on the needs of others. We all have needs, so let’s not pretend you’re exempt.
Needs can be as simple as making sure you plan out time for a bath, or making yourself a healthy lunch, or more complex, like not canceling that physio appointment because your ‘friend’ has demanded a coffee catch-up at the same time.
Even when you have people who depend on you, you still have to be there for yourself. Those needs aren’t going anywhere, no matter how much you ignore them.
9. Boundaries are a challenge for you to retain.
Setting and enforcing boundaries is tough for anybody who finds it difficult to prioritize their own needs. Often abandoned in favor of the wishes or requests of others, boundaries are what hold your beliefs, values, and needs together.
In other words, they set out what you’ll tolerate, and what you won’t.
If you are forever giving yours up to make somebody else happy, you are teaching them that you are ok with that. Rarely do good people knowingly disrespect your beliefs and needs, but it does happen, and that’s where you have to remind them (and yourself) of your limits. As the saying goes, you teach people how to treat you.
There should be no guilt in enforcing your boundaries; in fact, it should feel empowering. If you do enforce them, you might just see who you are that little bit more, as well as attract the kind of people who like and respect the real you, too.
Final thoughts…
It’s disheartening, isn’t it? To know you’ve done such selfless things over your adult life that have resulted in you losing yourself more and more to the demands or requests of others.
I’d like to think it’s never too late to get to who you really are behind all the rushing around and people-pleasing, but it does take a concerted effort to get there. Those who appreciate and love you will want to see you thrive, and if that means taking a step into your own, then take it. Your true self is counting on you.
