We often hear the word “tenderness” associated with relationships, but many people aren’t sure what it means in context. It generally refers to a genuine connection between people that is full of warmth, care, vulnerability, and kindness — both in trying times and when things are going well.
This tenderness can exist in any kind of relationship, from family dynamics to romantic partnerships, and it does wonders for breaking down barriers and other difficulties that may spring up between individuals. Let’s take a look at 9 ways to show it.
1. Absorbing hostility and returning it with kindness.
When your loved one is in pain, they’re not only going to be more distant than usual. Research shows that they might also be snappish, short, or downright hostile, even unintentionally. Usually, a person who’s on the receiving end of this would defend their boundaries to preserve self-respect. But when your loved one is really going through it, you can show tenderness by absorbing their vitriol and letting it pass over you. You recognize that they’re not angry at you: they’re simply dealing with an excruciating amount of physical and/or emotional pain, and it’s coming out despite their best efforts to suppress it.
By not immediately retaliating and showing tenderness when they’re being difficult to deal with, you give them firm proof that you’re their mountain in the storm. The trick is to take a breath and recognize why they’re being so out of character. Perhaps your husband’s mother just died, or your wife has crippling period pain. Whatever the catalyst, respond with love, kindness, and understanding instead of knee-jerk retaliation.
2. Encouraging someone to share their interests and partake in them together.
How many times have you seen someone get super excited about a topic, only to suddenly go silent and still because they’re self-conscious about their own enthusiasm? This is an indication that they’ve tried to share their passions with others in the past, only to be mocked for doing so.
Don’t just encourage them to show you what they love: share it with them. Share their excitement, ask questions about The Thing they’re excited about — even if it’s not something you’re passionate about — and practice active listening so they can tell you’re actually paying attention. You don’t have to share this interest to let them know that you support and encourage their joy about it.
3. Love through service.
Showing service to others doesn’t have to be limited to those who have this as a primary love language. Little devotional acts regularly shown to those we love can work wonders for breaking down relationship barriers and strengthening bonds between people.
These don’t have to be grandiose gestures, but rather little things that show those you love that you see them and care for them. Take note of how a person likes their coffee or tea, and bring them a cup when they seem stressed. Bring your partner or parent a snack in bed, pick up some takeout en route home that you know they like, and so on.
4. Silly play.
Many of the healthiest, strongest relationships are those that regularly incorporate some form of silly playfulness. And science confirms that couples who laugh together, stay together.
For some people, this might involve playing ridiculous board or card games together every weekend. Meanwhile, others might play by performing harmless pranks on one another, like hiding potatoes in each other’s shoes (yes, speaking from personal experience here).
Showing others your playful, silly side encourages them to open up and reveal their own in turn, because they know they aren’t going to be mocked for doing so. Instead, it ends up being a deep, bonding experience that can only bring people closer together.
5. Expressing forgiveness over past misdemeanors.
Years ago, I knew a young man who had moved away from home when he was still quite young. He was reluctant to talk about any of his family, but one night, when he was quite inebriated, he admitted that he had “broken” his younger brother and felt too much guilt and shame to stick around. What had happened was that he had been watching his brother when he was just learning to crawl, and the little one had fallen off the bed. When he turned out to have additional needs, the elder brother felt that he was responsible and couldn’t bear it.
We convinced him to talk to his (nearly estranged) parents about what had happened, and he was shocked when they embraced him with open arms. His younger brother was autistic (which we were all still learning about back then), which had absolutely not been caused by his assumed neglect. The forgiveness this guy experienced after confessing everything he’d been feeling mended the rift in his family and changed the trajectory of his life.
6. Grooming each other.
There are few things as intimate as when people groom one another. This might sound a bit simian, but hear me out. Hasn’t it felt amazing when your partner has washed your back or your hair for you when you were showering together? Or maybe you’ve felt a wave of intense sweetness when and if your partner has painted your nails or trimmed your beard?
Personal grooming is an intensely intimate act, and allowing another person to tend to these little tasks shows immense vulnerability and trust on your part, and diligent care on theirs. You’re showing each other that you have full faith in one another, and that’s a rare, tender thing to come across in any relationship.
7. Affectionate, loving touch.
For many people, the only physical affection they receive is when they’re having sex. Now, sex is great, of course, but one can deepen relationships significantly through tender, non-sexual touch as well. Think of how your spirits have lifted in the past when someone you love has squeezed your arm as they passed, or draped their ankle over yours when watching TV together on the couch.
These little acts of physical connection show affection and care without the expectation of actual intercourse. A person may kiss their partner’s forehead gently when said partner is feeling poorly, or hold their hand when out in public. Someone who’s been programmed to assume that any physical affection will lead to intercourse will be reassured to realize that sometimes a back rub is just a back rub. They’ll feel more comfortable and confident in the relationship rather than bracing for what might be an expectation or threat, depending on their past experience.
8. Telling each other stories.
People have been bonding through storytelling since the dawn of time. It’s a wonderful bonding experience and can revolve around sharing personal anecdotes, or relaying wondrous tales that captivate one another, or even reading to each other from favorite books.
While storytelling is often best shared around a fire outside, it can be just as lovely when you’re curled up on a couch or in bed. My partner and I often listen to offerings from HorrorBabble in the evenings by the fire while she knits and I work on one of my own projects, but there are countless other channels, podcasts, and audiobooks available in every genre, so you’re certain to find something you’ll love.
9. Little gifts or surprises “just because.”
Most of us are delighted when those we love surprise us with a caring little gesture, especially if it’s in our particular love language. For example, someone who thrives on words of affirmation will light up if you leave an encouraging note in their lunch bag, while someone who loves gifts will likely find it endearing if you give them a pretty rock as though you were a penguin or otter.
Surprise your loved one with hot cocoa in bed on a chilly evening, or with a bit of hobby gear when they aren’t expecting anything. Thoughtful gestures don’t have to be grandiose to be deeply appreciated: what’s important is the intentional kindness and tenderness behind these actions.
Final thoughts…
The ways to show tenderness listed here are just a few of the most popular and effective approaches you can take: you’ll have to decide what will work best depending on the relationship you’re aiming to strengthen. The key is to not just do these things as one-off gestures but to keep revisiting them regularly.
Much like tending plants that need to be watered and fed regularly so they don’t wither, we need to show tenderness and care to those we love to keep our relationships healthy and thriving, too.
