Have you ever sat and wondered whether someone in your social circle actually cares about you, rather than just pretends to? It could be a family member, a friend, or even a partner who gives the impression of giving a damn, but deep down, you seriously question whether they’re sincere or just playing a role.
Other than just asking them directly (which rarely goes well), there are ways to determine their sincerity, or the lack thereof. The signs listed below are usually telltale indicators that they’re pretending to care, but really don’t.
1. They only initiate contact when it benefits them to do so.
This person may be counted among your friends, but you’ve noticed that you’re the one who’s always initiating contact. You may send them funny memes, text them to see how they’re doing, and keep them updated about things going on in your social circle, and they’ll usually respond, even if it’s just a thumbs-up or heart emoji.
But the only time they initiate contact is when they want something from you. Maybe they need a last-minute babysitter for date night, or they need help moving into a new place. When they need you, they’re eager to hear back from you and seem to get irritated if you don’t respond quickly enough. Essentially, they’re using you rather than engaging in a reciprocal relationship.
2. They conveniently forget things that aren’t important to them.
You might have invited them to a special event in your life, and they agreed to it at the time, but they don’t show up because they forgot. Meanwhile, if you fail to make an appearance at a shindig they’re hosting, they take it as a personal affront.
In romantic relationships, this might look like you making a huge effort over your partner’s birthday, but when yours rolls around, you’re lucky if they remember to get you a candy bar from the gas station on their way home. Relationship experts advise that forgetting things that are important to you, like birthdays and anniversaries, is a common sign that someone doesn’t truly care about you. Essentially, if something doesn’t matter to them, it doesn’t matter at all — and that includes whatever’s going on in your life.
3. They don’t ask you how you’re doing.
Every time you communicate with this person, you’re subjected to long monologues about everything that’s going wrong in their world. They may tell you all about their various health woes or gossip to you about their weird intimate relationship, but you rarely get a word in edgewise.
In fact, according to Psych Central, it’s likely that they don’t ask how you’re doing at all. It’s possible that you don’t even remember the last time they asked you how you were doing: these emotional vampires simply treat you as a therapist on demand, and move on once they feel better.
I had to distance myself from a friend who used me as her emotional dumping ground on a daily basis, after I scrolled back through our texts and realized she hadn’t inquired as to how I was doing for over six months.
4. If you tell them they’ve hurt or upset you, they either offer hollow apologies or just avoid you.
When someone who truly cares about you accidentally hurts or upsets you, they’ll be quick to apologize sincerely and take action to make amends. After all, both you and your relationship are important to them, and they feel terrible about causing hurt or potentially damaging your connection.
In contrast, if you tell someone they’ve hurt you and they tell you that you’re being ridiculous, or that they’re “sorry you feel that way” (or any other variation of a non-apology), that’s a surefire sign that they don’t really care. They might reinforce this by avoiding or ghosting you completely instead of trying to mend your relationship. After all, if you’re going to be annoying, they can simply replace you with someone else.
5. The only support they offer is superficial.
Maybe you pour your heart out to them about everything that’s upsetting you, and they respond with “wow, that’s awful”, and then change the subject. Or if you tell them that you’re in a tight spot and could use some real help, they’ll offer thoughts and prayers instead of a couch to crash on or a ride to the airport.
Essentially, they’re happy with being supportive as long as it doesn’t require any real effort on their part. The amount of care and energy they set aside for you could barely fill a thimble, and they’ll go quiet or distance themselves when your needs prove to be more than the energetic pittance they’re willing to spend on you.
6. Most of what you say is a joke to them.
Does this person make a joke out of everything you say to them, even when you’re being serious? Or mock you and the things that are important to you? Maybe you hesitate to share things with them out of fear that you’ll be laughed at, and you know that if you call them out on this behavior, they’ll rope others in to laugh at you, too, instead of taking you seriously.
This sometimes happens when a person is in your social circle due to obligation or proximity, rather than a sincere connection. They might be an old acquaintance from school, or an extended family member, but regardless of how you know them, their actions prove that they don’t actually give a damn about you.
7. They gossip about you.
You’ve learned that you can’t trust them with personal information because everyone in your social group will suddenly hear about it. They might not think it’s a big deal, and brush off your protestations by implying that it’s “not a big deal” or that “everyone knew already”, instead of acknowledging what an incredible breach of trust that was.
Or they may apologize for letting things slip accidentally and reassure you that it wasn’t intentional, so you lower your guard around them, only for them to do it again. They’ll pretend to make amends so you can mend your relationship, but their goal isn’t sincere care or connection: they just want to hear more dirt from you so they can share it around.
8. They’re nice to you in private but treat you poorly when others are around.
This person might be nice to you when you’re alone together, and you might get on really well in private, but that changes as soon as you’re with other people. As soon as they’re around others whom they feel have a higher status than you, or whom they wish to endear themselves to, you get thrown under the bus. They might criticize you, put you down, tell others about the stupid things you do, and so on.
Similarly, if other people criticize or make fun of you, they won’t defend you. In fact, they’ll join in the “fun” at your expense. A person who treats you this way doesn’t care about you at all. They’re simply using you for whatever purpose you serve to them in the moment, and will stab you in the back at the first opportunity.
Final thoughts…
Many of us tolerate mistreatment because it feels too awful to accept the reality that the people we care about don’t actually care about us in turn. It’s bad enough when this uncaring — even cruel — behavior comes from a friend, but it can be devastating when it comes from a partner or family member. If you find yourself on the receiving end of these actions, please recognize that you’re worth so much more than this kind of treatment.
Aim to distance yourself from those who mistreat you, and keep those in your life who treat you properly instead.
