Have you put an extraordinary amount of time and effort into other people, only to be heartbroken when they don’t return your efforts? Or perhaps someone dear to you has worn themselves ragged in service to others, but nobody is ever around when they need help or care in turn?
These scenarios aren’t unusual: devoted givers often receive the least from those around them, and most people don’t understand why that is. Here’s a breakdown as to why their generosity and kindness aren’t often reciprocated.
1. They’re drawn to those who take without reciprocating.
Some people simply take because they feel entitled to do so, without any feeling that they should give in return. Those who grew up in families where people behaved this way might have grown accustomed to that kind of toxic behavior and then seek out similar dynamics in their adult relationships.
They gravitate towards what’s familiar, even if they end up suffering mistreatment as a result. For many of them, breaking free from their programming is simply too uncomfortable, and they don’t fare well in healthy reciprocal relationships. As a result, they give and give, and others keep taking, and that’s what’s “normal” in their eyes.
2. Their gifts are not to the right audience.
They might really want to play Wonderwall for you because they love the song, but that doesn’t mean anyone else does. They don’t understand why: they love this song, and can’t comprehend that others don’t. In their mind, they’re doing something wonderful because it’s what they would love to receive in turn.
For example, a dear friend of mine threw a huge surprise engagement party for my then-fiancé and I, which included friends she had invited from different countries. I despise surprise parties, and it was an excruciating experience to endure, but I had to show gratitude and feign excitement because this meant so much to her.
The golden rule might be to treat others as you want to be treated, Dr. Itamar Shatz tells us platinum rule is to treat others the way they would like, rather than projecting your preferences and expecting appreciation. If you truly want to help someone, you need to find out what sort of help they need and want first.
3. Their actions are in the hope of their chosen outcome.
Sometimes, those who give generously and are always seeking to help other people are actually doing so for the sake of their own benefit. They may not consciously recognize that they’re doing this, as it’s an approach that they learned from those around them in their youth. Psychotherapist Dr Nicholas Jenner writes that when one is programmed to think a certain way, it’s very difficult to break free from that type of conditioned response.
Unfortunately, other people may very well see through the surface generosity to the sought-after goals beneath the surface, and feel that they’re being manipulated. As a result, they’re unlikely to give back to the giver, because they don’t want to be locked into a reciprocal obligation. Furthermore, they’ll be hesitant to trust the giver again in the future, forever wondering about the motivations behind this person’s “kind” gestures.
4. They often give to those who don’t actually want to receive.
Most of us have known people who have worked tirelessly to help others, only to be mistreated or brushed off in turn. Some might have even faced anger or vitriol from those they try to do nice things or favors for, which inevitably hurts the giver’s feelings.
The problem is that a lot of givers behave this way because giving to others makes them feel important, not because someone actually wants their help. It makes them feel valuable — that they’re doing some real, positive good in the world.
So when their giving behavior is rejected (and certainly not reciprocated) because it wasn’t actually wanted, they feel like failures. Ultimately, their need to help others is about their own egos and has little to do with the people they’re forcing help onto.
5. They’re taken for granted.
Small children rarely notice that their parents are worn out and exhausted from tending to them. They don’t have the perspective to see their parents as individual human beings, and simply see them as the providers for all of their needs. If the little one wants a cookie, or a hug, or anything else for that matter, they can just run to (or call) their caregivers and the thing will be provided.
This same situation can happen when a giving person ends up being taken for granted. The one they are tending to stops seeing them as a person and sees them as a provider instead. This is in the same vein as how it rarely occurs to a toddler to do nice things for their parent: that’s what they’re for, so why would they need to reciprocate?
6. They prioritize others’ happiness over their own.
Some people grew up being told that they were selfish or greedy for ensuring that their own needs were met, and that only by sacrificing their own happiness for that of others were they proving their worth and virtue. This cultural conditioning trained them to put themselves last behind everyone else, and to do everything they can to people-please and take care of those around them.
If they feel inclined to do something nice for themselves, they feel guilty about it, dismiss their own needs, and insist that others are more important. Over time, those around them grow accustomed to this behavior and don’t even bother trying to convince them otherwise. Once again, if they’re from a culture or community in which this behavior is normalized, it’s possible that nobody even sees a problem with these actions.
7. They don’t feel comfortable receiving.
A psychologist by the name of Allan Luks coined the phrase “helper’s high”, which refers to the euphoria that givers generally feel when they’re doing kind things for others. Those who are uncomfortable with being on the receiving end of kindness and joy often don’t like the vulnerability that comes from accepting it, so instead focus on the high they get from giving, rather than receiving.
Furthermore, they might feel that they don’t deserve to receive kindness or gifts and that their service to others is a penance for whatever misdeeds they feel guilty about. Alternatively, they might see receiving gifts or actions as a weakness: that they’re in power and control if they’re being altruistic, but if they accept others’ reciprocal efforts, then it’s about pity or charity rather than sincere kindness.
8. Gender differences.
Interestingly, recent studies have shown that women as a whole are more generous than men. They’re more giving when it comes to time, gifts, and charitable donations, apparently giving over 40% more than their male counterparts. As such, it’s unsurprising that female givers receive so much less than they offer up.
Most people are accustomed to women giving and doing more as far as household responsibilities are concerned, but these studies show that even when it comes to relationships, friendship, and overall altruism, it’s expected (and even taken for granted) for women to give far more than they receive. This can be immensely disheartening for someone who goes out of their way to do things for the men they love, only to receive a pittance in exchange.
Final thoughts…
Ultimately, people tend to become what they lacked when they were growing up, and still lack in adulthood. As such, the person who has been deprived of physical affection may become a hugger, and the one who rarely had their own needs met may become a giver.
They behave in this manner in the hope that others will reciprocate and finally bestow upon them what they give to everyone else. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, and the giver inevitably ends up depleting themselves for others’ benefit, until they wake up to this truth and start prioritizing their own needs.
