Selfishness isn’t always a calculated or malicious act. Sometimes people are just so self-focused that they don’t even realize that they’re being selfish. They believe that it’s normal to always think of what’s best for themselves, first and foremost. It’s normal to them, so they tend to think that everyone else is putting themselves first, too.
And though that is true to some extent, most people aren’t that selfish and self-focused. They do think of and consider others. Still, there are some subtle behaviors and habits that selfish people have, which often include the following.
1. They constantly dominate and redirect conversations to themselves.
The thoughts of selfish people tend to be self-focused without them realizing it. As a result, conversations that you have with a selfish person may regularly be drawn back to them in some way. They are often keen to talk about their own experiences, stories, opinions, and struggles – even when other people need support.
Selfish people tend to have a more difficult time being supportive of others because they may struggle with empathy, and, according to the University of Illinois, people tend to assume that others are as selfish or generous as they are. They may accidentally invalidate other people’s feelings because they just don’t feel the same way, or because they would handle the situation differently. As a result, they may not be a good or supportive friend because they just don’t realize others are different from them and need different support.
2. They are often disengaged and rarely ask follow-up questions.
A selfish person may seem interested in others on the surface, but that’s as far as it goes. They don’t tend to be curious about other people’s feelings or stories, and that’s a good sign that their attention is mostly inward. Selfish people aren’t as curious about others because they don’t care as much about others as they do about themselves.
In social situations, they may appear aloof and indifferent when they aren’t talking about themselves. However, they are likely to be far more energetic and engaged when they are talking about themselves.
3. They disguise their demands and wants as “needs.”
Self-centered people often have a difficult time separating their wants from needs because they are their own number one priority. They will conclude that their wants matter more because they are most interested in their own comfort. If other people are uncomfortable, well, that’s their own fault. Why should the selfish person be bothered with that?
The problem is that this behavior makes it difficult to have boundaries with a selfish person. As Psychology Today informs us, some people may call a boundary selfish purely for their own benefit. The selfish person is most concerned with what they can get out of other people for themselves, so they aren’t going to respect boundaries like an empathetic person will. They will typically push for more, even if that means crossing people’s reasonable boundaries.
4. They get frustrated because others don’t meet their expectations.
Even if expectations aren’t clearly communicated, the selfish person will get frustrated with the people around them. Selfish people tend to be entitled. They believe they are owed a particular course of action, responses, or favors. They view themselves highly, more importantly than others, and they assume that other people should treat them as such.
Unfortunately, that’s just not how healthy relationships function. All relationships require give and take by both parties, but selfish people tend to take far more than they give. They may discard relationships if they don’t believe that the other person is treating them with the high level of respect or consideration that they feel entitled to.
5. They see compromise as a loss.
All relationships are built on communication and compromise. Selfish people, however, have a difficult time compromising because they tend to interpret it as giving up control. They want things done “their way” because they believe they know better. A selfish person doesn’t realize just how unfair or rigid they’re being because they’re just doing what’s best for themselves.
And doing what’s best for themselves usually isn’t a compromise because compromise is a two-way street. In most cases, no one is happy with a compromise because everyone has to sacrifice something they wanted to arrive at a mutual conclusion. If someone walks away happy, then it’s not so much a compromise as it is that person just getting their way.
6. They struggle to celebrate others.
It should be no surprise that selfish people have a difficult time sharing the spotlight with others. They typically aren’t able to appropriately celebrate others because they just don’t view other people as important as themselves. They may look at others’ accomplishments and instead think of what they have or could do better.
The people we surround ourselves with should uplift us in some way. Celebrating a success is just one part of that overall experience. Sometimes wins are hard to come by, so we have to enjoy them when they do come along. Instead, the selfish person feels threatened by and jealous of the success of others.
7. They offer help that’s self-serving.
The ways in which selfish people will offer to “help” will typically bring them credit, control, or validation. In many cases, it won’t be in a way that is actually helpful to the person who is being helped, because they don’t truly want to help others. Instead, the selfish person is more interested in making themselves look good or accomplishing their goal, rather than helping.
Selfish people are typically most interested in the optics of the help they are giving. They may want others to know that they are giving the help, because they are either seeking credit or validation. They typically aren’t the kind of people who will do a kindness or a right thing without an audience.
8. They are easily offended by others’ boundaries.
Selfish people tend to respond to boundaries as though they are a personal attack. They often feel hurt or rejected by others’ reasonable limits and respond defensively. Boundaries are necessary in every relationship because people have different wants and needs. To accommodate those things is to show respect for others.
It’s hard to be close to someone who reacts badly to boundaries. A selfish person may overrun those boundaries, not seeing them as important or inconvenient, which will eventually break the relationship.
9. They keep track of everything they do for others.
Doing anything that is not in their best interests is often seen as an act of charity by a self-centered person. As a result, they tend to keep score about what they do for other people so they can turn around and use it later. Naturally, they don’t keep track of everything that other people do for them because why would they? They are what’s most important to themselves, so there’s no reason to.
This kind of transactional behavior is unhealthy because relationships can never be 100% on both sides. Someone is going to end up putting more into the relationship, and that person will resent it if their needs aren’t addressed and cared for equally.
Final thoughts…
There are many reasons why people end up selfish, and not everyone who is selfish means to be. A good example of that is a former friend of mine, Kayla, who had grown up as an only child. She was conditioned to be selfish because her parents were so focused on her, coming to all of her events, always being there for her, and rarely making her sort things out for herself.
Selfishness can also be the result of neglect or abuse. The person centers themself because no one else did. It’s a habit they develop early on, and it just becomes ingrained in their behavior unless it’s addressed. The good news is that it can be addressed. Empathy can be learned, and selfishness can be unlearned. A selfish person can shift their focus outward with some regular effort.
