The phrase “you’re difficult” or alternatively, being “hard to love”, is often actually about a mismatch in compatibility or expectations. “Difficult” in this context is often just discomfort around people exerting boundaries and standards. The people who don’t want you to have boundaries, such as people who are taking advantage of you, want you to be compliant and “easy.”
The fact of the matter is that you may not be difficult at all; you may just have standards and boundaries. That makes people who are manipulative or don’t have healthy boundaries uncomfortable. The following behaviors fit that criteria, and are ones that reasonable, self-aware people often engage in, whilst being labeled difficult for it.
1. You ask straightforward questions.
As a man on the autistic spectrum, boy, do a lot of people have a hard time with straightforward, direct questions. Relationship expert Lissy Abraham writes that directness can be interpreted as a social attack by people who are uncomfortable with it. It can get you labeled as difficult, even though you’re only trying to gain clarity about a situation.
Some people just lack the social acumen to identify when language is direct and when it’s hostile. Then, you also have other people who are working some kind of angle. Because they are working some kind of angle, they don’t want other people asking direct questions. Direct questions have direct answers, and direct answers will lead to the truth. As such, a manipulator may label you as difficult to keep you from pressing toward the truth and revealing the lies.
2. You don’t chase approval or understanding.
People who are self-confident don’t necessarily feel the need to be understood. They are perfectly okay with other people not understanding them, because they don’t care about how other people perceive them. As such, you may explain yourself once or twice, but you’re not going to be heartbroken if you’re misunderstood.
That can be uncomfortable for other people because so many people need external validation. They need other people to see their value or worth so they can feel good about themselves. The result is that a person who doesn’t may be looked at with skepticism and distrust or viewed as difficult for not bending to social pressure to be liked or thought well of.
3. You leave environments that drain you.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a physical environment, a conversation, or a relationship. People who understand themselves well don’t subject themselves to bad vibes for no reason. In fact, Verywell Mind informs us that leaving a bad situation like this is a common hallmark of a secure attachment style.
If a reasonable, self-aware person feels like a situation is draining instead of adding to their life, they have no problem exiting the situation. They understand that to stay would be to reward whatever toxic behavior is happening.
In this situation, a toxic person is likely to use the “difficult” label to shame you into obedience. For example, a friend of mine had an on-again, off-again boyfriend of years who would do that to manipulate her. And as much as she tried to make it work, eventually she had to draw a boundary.
The reason isn’t that she was a difficult person. It’s because he was, and he was putting his own problems onto her and trying to shame her into compliance. There is nothing wrong with leaving a situation that you know isn’t meant for you. Other people don’t have to understand it.
4. You can admit you’re wrong without spiraling.
Insecure people tend to avoid admitting when they’re wrong, or they go entirely too far and take too much responsibility. It’s rarely at a nice, medium level of acknowledgement. Instead, it has to be some dramatic tragedy as they implode in a flurry of self-loathing or its total silence as they seethe. And, since that’s normal for an insecure person, they expect other people to be that way, too.
That means a reasonable, self-aware reaction will be unexpected or hard to understand (or difficult) because they don’t experience it that way. Alternatively, if they are the kind of person who enjoys being right by shaming other people, you will get labeled as difficult because they don’t react. They label you difficult because they can’t get the emotions they want out of you. Again, it’s shaming you to try to compel compliance.
5. You don’t match chaotic energy.
People love using their feelings for justification in all kinds of situations, for better or worse. A chaotic person will look at a person who is unaffected by their chaotic energy as an oddity, because most people will react to it. That might come from a place of innocent ignorance or maliciousness. A person who has often lived in chaos finds that to be their normal. So to them, your calmness is abnormal.
Malicious people, on the other hand, use their chaotic energy to influence people and exert social control. They write you off as boring, dull, or difficult so that other people will just think you’re a drag. It’s their way of controlling the narrative about you. If you’ve ever spent any time around chaotic people, they tend to dislike calm people because it “messes with their vibe.”
6. You can say “no” without overexplaining.
Boundaries are a struggle for many. Some people have a hard time just accepting a flat “no” because they don’t understand that a “no” is all that’s required. Others push the issue because they want you to be socially malleable and compliant so that you’ll do what they want. Your “no” stands in the way of that. So, they label you “difficult” as a way to try to socially shame you.
But assuming your boundaries are reasonable, you shouldn’t care what they think or how they label you. Let them call you difficult; that’s not your problem. But, if you do want to turn it back on them, ask them why they need an explanation when your answer was already clear? It’s not open for interpretation.
Do make some allowances for people who have different social landscapes, though. As a man on the autistic spectrum, I have accidentally overstepped social boundaries I didn’t realize existed. It cost me an important friendship because I questioned when the other person told me “no,” and they felt like I was prodding for a weakness to exploit. I wasn’t. I just didn’t understand what I did wrong at the time.
I eventually figured it out, but maybe we would still be friends if we could have talked it out. That’s not to shift blame. It was my fault for not expressing myself clearly enough to be understood.
Closing thoughts…
The label of “difficult” is most often a way for a manipulative person to try to get their way. The truth of the matter is actually very simple. You will never be too difficult for the right people. If you are constantly being told that you are too difficult, then you are either with the wrong people or they’re trying to take advantage of you.
In either case, these aren’t people you should invest your time and attention in. If they can’t respect you for who you are, let them go. There are plenty of people in the world who will appreciate you for who you are and who will respect your boundaries.
