Life is hard enough without other people being a pain in the butt with their meanness, rudeness, and disrespect for others. The unhealed people who walk among us often inadvertently or purposefully take out their frustration and anger on the people around them.
But why?
Why are some people so mean, rude, and disrespectful to others?
1. They’re projecting insecurity.
As Psychology Today informs us, people often project their insecurities, and sometimes that comes off as meanness. Meanness serves as a shield for these people, deflecting others from truly knowing them or seeing what they feel are inadequacies. It helps them stay emotionally safe.
That is a huge problem that I can speak to from personal experience. I struggled with toxic masculinity for a long time, including masking my insecurities. I was rude and hostile to other people because I didn’t want anyone to look too closely or to get too close to me. I wanted to keep people away, so I acted like an asshole a lot.
It took therapy and years of effort to fully unmake that. A lot of it came down to accepting all aspects of myself, even the ones that I don’t like so much. Eventually, I realized that I would either have to change or stay locked in that perpetual cycle of meeting and alienating other people, then feeling terrible about it because a rude jerk is not who I actually am, even though that’s how I acted.
What spurred that change? Well, I realized that I was the problem when I looked around and saw that I had no real close connections anymore. I had pushed everyone, even my best friends, far away.
2. They lack emotional intelligence.
Not everyone has the self-awareness or empathy to understand how much harm their words and actions are causing. In many cases, they don’t see how it affects other people, so they don’t necessarily understand why their relationships aren’t working out. They may be aware that their relationships don’t work, but they don’t know why.
Emotional intelligence is such an important soft skill to develop. Communication and understanding go a long way to making a peaceful, happy life where everyone feels respected. Improving your emotional intelligence is such a level up because it helps you out in virtually every aspect of your life. Or, at least, it affects every aspect of your life involving people.
3. They’ve normalized toxic behavior.
There’s an interesting quandary regarding toxic behavior. Negativity and toxicity become normal when you’ve been drowning in them for a long time. Some people are born into that negativity and toxicity, experience it and learn it as they grow up, and carry on those bad habits into the future.
Now, speaking as someone who is in his 40s, I have watched a major social shift about this. With the interconnectivity of the world and how much mental health has been brought into the forefront, it’s not really an excuse anymore. It’s not a secret that we can sometimes continue patterns.
It’s on you to break the unhealthy patterns if you’re still locked in the toxicity of your childhood or other relationships.
4. They’re power-hungry.
For some, disrespect is a tool to dominate or intimidate others. They have a thirst for power, and they are using blunt tools like rudeness and disrespect to try to get ahead. Does that work? Of course. It’s worked for humanity for millennia. Is it a good idea? Well, that’s a different story altogether.
One thing that goes understated about the power hungry is the nature of the environment they place themselves in. Once you decide that all bets are off, you’re now swimming with other sharks that have teeth just as sharp as yours. Not only that, but there are bigger threats lurking deeper in the waters.
There is always someone out there willing to be a bigger asshole, trying to dominate or intimidate others in the same way. And they may have a much shorter fuse and poorer impulse control.
5. They’re overwhelmed and taking it out on others.
Stress is pressure that needs to be vented off, in much the same way that a steam pipe needs a vent, otherwise it can burst unexpectedly. The same thing can happen with people who aren’t fully aware of their emotional landscape. They don’t take enough care with their own mental health maintenance to know how to vent off that pressure in a healthy way.
You can release stress and overwhelm through exercise, therapy, meditation, or even just having healthy emotional processing skills. It’s not healthy to take your anger and frustrations out on the people around you. That’s an abusive relationship, and it does harm to everyone involved.
6. They’re miserable and want company.
“Misery loves company” isn’t just a cliché. Unhappy people often lash out to drag others into their emotional pit. That’s why it’s so important to protect the happiness that you are able to cultivate and grow for yourself. Someone will definitely come by to try to kick down everything you’ve done because they may feel like you don’t deserve happiness.
You have to keep these people at arm’s length so they can’t do harm to your life and happiness. This is also why it’s a really good idea to be wary of advice you get from miserable single people. There are a lot of people out there who will try to sabotage a happy relationship.
It may be that they just don’t like seeing you happy, or maybe they want company, or maybe they want to try to take it for themselves. Whatever the truth, protect your peace.
7. They don’t value people.
People don’t bother with kindness when they have no interest in maintaining bonds. Respect isn’t important to them because they see other people as disposable. They’re just tools to be used, pawns to be sacrificed, or a means to an end.
You can’t be mean and expect to build close, happy, healthy, functional relationships. People don’t like mean and miserable. They also tend to go out of their way to avoid you completely if you’re too much of a mean person. Like, why would I subject my day and energy to that? No, thank you.
8. They enjoy it.
Much of the misery and suffering in the world can be more easily understood when you accept that some people are sadistic. They enjoy being mean, hurting, and belittling others. They want to make other people feel small, have control over them, and turn them into victims.
These people aren’t monsters, they’re just people – everyday people. They’re all around you, all the time. They’re the person you pass by on the street, your boss at your job, your relative, your spouse, or whoever, really.
Luckily, they’re often pretty obvious about their meanness and taking joy in it. Steer clear of them.
Final thoughts…
As you can see, people are mean, rude, and disrespectful for a variety of reasons. However, despite the reason, you are never under any obligation to tolerate it. In fact, you shouldn’t. By tolerating it, you encourage the other person to continue acting how they are, treating you badly in the process.
It’s just not worth it. It’s not worth the mental and emotional scars and trauma that you’ll need to work through in therapy later when trying to be close to these people. Let them be miserable on their own. It’s the only way they’ll ever realize they need to do things differently.
