There are several reasons why a person may not be able to rely on their family to help them out when they’re in a bind. Some may have flighty relatives who break commitments left and right, while others might be estranged from the toxic people who raised them. Alternatively, some people don’t have any living relatives or have been cast out of their families for not conforming to their relatives’ expectations.
When you can’t depend on your family for anything, you learn to do a lot of things differently in order to survive and thrive. Things like these.
1. Have contingency plans and savings.
A lot of people don’t worry too much about what will happen to them if their lives fall apart. After all, they can just move back home with their parents, or crash on their sibling’s couch until they sort their life out again. They have the security of knowing that they’ll be taken care of, so they can regroup without extreme stress or pressure.
When you have no close family to lean on, you have to make sure you’re taken care of in case the SHTF. The one who’ll be taking care of you is you, so plans need to be put into place accordingly.
2. Learn to do as much as you can on your own.
Those who don’t have family to depend upon usually end up being fiercely independent and self-sufficient. In my experience, the people who often have the widest range of skill sets across the board are those who either don’t have family at all or have never been able to depend on them for anything.
Both my partner and I were on our own from a very early age. As such, we had to learn what we could to get by without any guidance from experienced older relatives. Knowing cooking, crafts, home maintenance, and other traditional skills has come in handy on numerous occasions, but it was all learned by trial-and-error as we grew up, which was quite challenging at times.
3. Trust cautiously.
When you’ve been let down by those closest to you again and again, you learn to be very cautious about whom you trust. After all, the people you were supposed to be able to trust and depend upon have proven repeatedly that they’re utterly unreliable, and have left you in a bind more times than you can count.
As a result, you likely take a long time to trust others, and may even test them occasionally to see how they’ll behave when things get difficult. It might take you years to drop your defensive shields and let another person “in”, and much longer than that before you’d allow yourself to depend upon them for anything important. Furthermore, it’s always a surprise when people do step up and show you that they can be relied upon, since you brace yourself for inevitable disappointment.
4. Spend judiciously.
Since you don’t have family to borrow from when things are tight, you don’t spend money like it’s burning a hole in your pocket. Instead, you set aside enough to ensure that your monthly bills are paid for (or even pay them in advance), and then use what’s left to buy things sparingly and wisely.
You’re more likely to invest in a solid pair of shoes that’ll last you several seasons than a trendy pair that’ll fall apart in a few months. You’ll likely choose hard-wearing, well-made clothes for the same reason, and treat everything you buy with great care. In fact, you’ve likely learned how to mend, repair, and preserve things well, specifically because it would be entirely up to you to replace them when and if needed.
5. Create personal rituals for holidays and other special occasions.
People who have continually been let down by the family they can’t depend upon usually create fun rituals for the special occasions that would usually be spent with relatives. For example, one person might celebrate their birthday by taking a vacation to a spa resort every year, while another might make it a ritual to watch the extended versions of The Lord of the Rings at Christmas with a sushi feast to share with their cats.
Special occasions and holidays like Christmas may cause you pain or grief because of past hurts you’ve experienced, but you also aren’t obligated to spend them with people who perpetually let you down. Instead, you can celebrate on your own terms, in exactly the ways that you like.
6. Work through difficulties on your own.
People whose families are emotionally absent or abusive know that they can’t open up and be vulnerable with them about any of their difficulties. Their struggles will either be mocked or turned against them and used as ammunition for personal attacks.
As such, people who have experienced this may develop resilience and coping skills on their own to get through. Maybe you’ve read a lot of philosophy and self-help books to gain perspective and understand yourself. Or you took up a physical discipline to help you channel difficult emotions in a healthy way. In any case, you learned to lean on the only person who’s always been there for you, no matter what: you.
7. Become the rock for others to lean on.
If you’ve never had people close to you whom you could depend upon, you likely make a point of being that rock for others. Basically, you’ve made a point of becoming what you never had when you were younger.
You likely make a point of being a “caretaker” in your relationships — both platonic friendships and romantic pairings — and may be a bit overprotective towards those you care about. That said, you’re also likely to hesitate when it comes to accepting help from others. People know that they can trust you and rely upon you, but you don’t feel comfortable when the shoe is on the other foot.
8. Create your own community.
You cultivate relationships with people you sincerely care about and respect, and these become your “found family”. In many cases, those who have strong community ties can rely on one another far more than their biological relatives.
Many relatives feel obligated to show up for one another instead of sincerely wanting to. The umbrella of “family” fills many people with resentment because they feel that they have to do things for those who share their blood, and they often lash out and punish those who put them in this position. With “found family” and close community, these actions are seen as loving privilege rather than obligation.
9. Reflect the energy you’re given.
While some people who don’t have close family ties develop anxious attachments to others, others learn to give exactly the same amount that they receive. For instance, if they’re shown loyalty and generosity by someone, then that’s what they’ll return in equal measure.
If you fall into this category, then you undoubtedly give back what you’re given, or may even go above and beyond when someone shows you real care and devotion. In contrast, if someone treats you poorly, you’ll either dish it back to them or cut them out of your life faster than they can blink.
Final thoughts…
While it’s disheartening in some ways to realize that you can’t depend on your family the way others can, this can also be an invaluable learning experience. Those who are overly dependent upon their families often stagnate in an extended adolescence and don’t develop the vital skills necessary to traverse life’s many challenges on their own.
Your fierce independence, resilience, and wide skill set allow you to deal with anything life may send your way. And if you haven’t cultivated a chosen family of your own yet, you’ll undoubtedly do so in time.
