There are a lot of posts online about how difficult it is to make friends in one’s thirties, forties, and beyond. In reality, a lot of people have trouble making new friends regardless of their age group. Many young kids struggle with doing so, as do retirees, and everyone in between.
Fortunately, there are some behaviors that make it a lot easier to make more friends, regardless of how old you are or where you’re meeting new people. The eight techniques mentioned here are tried-and-true approaches that anyone can put into practice.
1. Show sincere interest in what other people are doing, or what they have to say.
Have you ever experienced a situation in which you were telling someone about something you were doing — with great enthusiasm, at that — only to have them brush it off, or pretend to care by being overly saccharine and insincere? If you have, then you probably remember how it extinguished how you felt about it, and stopped you from wanting to interact with that person any further.
When someone opens up and shows or tells you something that’s important to them, be sincere about it. If you don’t know much about the subject, be honest and tell them that, and ask if they’d be willing to tell you more. Alternatively, if it’s something that interests you too, share some information in turn so they can tell that you’re interacting honestly, rather than being performative or humoring them.
2. Be genuinely kind, complimentary, and inclusive.
Two of the greatest friendships I’ve ever had began with exchanged compliments. One began when I was seven, and the girl who lived across the street from the house I’d just moved into yelled that she liked my dress and asked if I wanted to play. The second was in my early 30s, when a student at the dance school I worked at said she liked my hair and invited me to lie on the floor with her.
Both times, the draw was the complete sincerity that these people exuded, and the kindness in inviting me to join them. If there’s something about a person you honestly admire, tell them! And if they express something they’re interested in, by all means — invite them to join in with something you do that falls within their sphere of interest.
3. Share the weird stuff that you’re passionate about.
You might feel a bit self-conscious about the supposedly “weird” stuff that you adore, and you may think that you need to hide what you love to make new friends. In reality, sharing the things you love is ideal for drawing out the people you’re meant to be friends with! After all, we like to be able to be authentic with our friends and spend time doing what we love, right?
Be honest about the things you enjoy, and share details with those around you. In all likelihood, you’ll discover that many others you interact with have been holding back from sharing the exact same things, and that there are people nearby who don’t just share your favorite subjects: they enjoy partaking in them on a regular basis. Boom! New friendships unlocked.
4. Exchange trinkets.
When it really comes down to it, making friends with other people isn’t all that different from befriending wild animals. Many bonds can be formed through the exchange of snacks and shiny objects. Case in point: at one of the Renaissance fairs I attended years ago, a rather delightful lady was wandering around and handing out little handmade pouches full of shiny stones, quotes on tiny parchment scrolls, etc.
Every exchange she made led to a bit of conversation, and when she gave me one of them, we ended up chatting for a while and met up again later to watch the joust. That was 25 years ago, and we’re still friends. It just goes to show that, like magpies or crows, people like little trinkets and will naturally gravitate towards those who exchange them.
5. Offer help on others’ terms.
The key here is to let others know when and how you may be able to offer assistance, without implying that they need this help, nor offering unsolicited advice. It’s a bit of a delicate middle road to walk, but it can be done in a way that allows other people the opportunity to thrive if they so choose.
For example, let’s say you’re well-connected in the entertainment industry, and you find out that a friend’s child is interested in becoming a film extra. Instead of telling them what to do (without being asked), simply inform them that you have connections that may help, and to let you know if you may be of assistance. This puts the ball in their court. If they approach you about helping out, you can make the necessary introductions and then back off again. This shows genuine help without interference, which most people appreciate beyond measure.
6. Interact with a wide variety of people.
Appearances can be deceiving, and an individual who appears one way on the outside may have a completely different personality than you originally imagined. This is why it’s so important to be open to talking to a wide range of people instead of holding preconceived notions about them.
Whether you’re chatting to someone online or in person, allow yourself to be open to getting to know them for who they are, rather than assuming anything about them. You may end up cultivating an amazing friendship with a person whose life experience or background is vastly different from your own, but who shares so much in common with you that they become closer than a sibling before you can blink.
7. Show up for them consistently.
If you’ve met someone new and they mention to you in passing that they’re involved in something that’s important to them, make a point of showing up for it. Not overtly, with big bunches of balloons and an encouraging sign, but quietly and supportively. You might be one of the only people to show that this person is important enough for you to care, and that can lay the foundation for a wonderful friendship.
They might have felt despondent because nobody else showed up to their book signing event. Or that there wasn’t going to be anybody cheering them on at the finish line as they finished their 5k marathon. But there you were: an encouraging presence who made them feel seen. That’s more powerful than most people will ever realize.
8. Share food.
Much like sharing trinkets, sharing food is a great equalizer across cultures. If you share tasty morsels with a person, that’s a great way to open a door to a potential friendship. This works just as well in an established community as it does when you’re new to an area, because honestly — who doesn’t love snacks?
When a friend of mine moved to a new country with her family, she was keen to connect with other book-loving mothers in the area. As such, she posted in the community social media pages and put up signs around the area that she was hosting a “fairytale picnic” at a local park on X date, and that if anyone was interested, to dress up as their favorite characters and bring snacks to share. Dozens of people showed up in costume, and many wonderful new friendships were forged that day.
Final thoughts…
The cornerstone of friendship is authenticity, so being your gloriously sincere, weird self is the best way to ensure that you draw others to you who match your energy. Acquaintanceships can be forged pretty much everywhere, but with those, you’ll always need to wear a variety of masks and curate your personality to suit their preferences.
Be real, be open, and be kind, and you’re sure to draw people to you who are meant to be in your life — possibly in delightful ways that you never imagined.
