Many people seem to be able to fit in just about anywhere. They’re the ones who make friends almost effortlessly and get absorbed into some of the most “desirable” social groups as soon as they enter the vicinity.
Others, however, are not so fortunate. They struggle with making connections and always feel like an outsider, even if they’ve been interacting with the same groups for years. If you fall into the latter category, then the truths listed below may feel painfully accurate to you.
1. You can’t relate to TV shows or films where people have close circles of friends.
Many shows and films depict people who have strong friendship circles that have lasted for years. Some, like Stranger Things or Friends, revolve around people who have had close buddies since childhood or adolescence; people who would do anything for one another, and have each other’s backs no matter what. Others depict people who make friends easily and end up with a close community or “tribe” of like-minded, caring individuals.
If you’ve never fit in anywhere, then it’s likely that you can’t imagine what this kind of community closeness is like. You never had a clique that you were part of, or you might have moved around so much that your childhood friendships fell by the wayside ages ago.
It’s possible that you’ve tried to join groups that you’d like to get to know better, but for some reason that you can’t understand, the connections never “clicked”. As a result, you’ve always been on the outskirts rather than being part of the pack, so to speak.
2. You wonder what’s “wrong” with you.
Worse still, people may have even asked you that question on more than one occasion. This happens quite often when a person isn’t quite like those around them, for various reasons. For example, someone who’s artistic or academically inclined in a sea of sports aficionados, someone who is neurodivergent in a society full of neurotypicals, or has a questioning, philosophical mind in a community of conservative, religious individuals.
If those you’ve been surrounded by since childhood are the polar opposite of you in almost every regard, you may feel that there’s something “wrong” with you. Many people who feel this way end up doing their best to fit in by mimicking what other people are doing, saying, wearing, etc., in an attempt to avoid being rejected. Unfortunately, the others can usually tell that this is all an act, which makes their rejection even worse.
3. There’s always a fly in the ointment.
For many people who feel like they don’t quite fit in anywhere, they’ll find groups in which they feel comfortable and think they’ve actually found their people, only to discover that there’s something about that group that’s completely antithetical to everything that’s important to them. When that happens, it’s like the rug has been torn out from beneath you, and you need to start all over again.
I remember how amazing it felt to finally feel a strong kinship with a group, and how devastating it was to discover that those I had befriended shared viewpoints that were diametrically opposed to my own. In my case, I got involved with a homesteading community that was incredibly warm and welcoming. We did fiber crafts together, like spinning and knitting, traded recipes, had canning parties, and so on, and it was wonderful to finally feel like I’d found my “tribe”. That is, until I attended a dinner party with them all and discovered their racist, bigoted leanings.
4. When you start to create connections, you wonder if they’re just messing with you.
This often happens with people who were bullied or made fun of a lot when they were younger. You might have gotten so used to people being mean to you that if anyone is nice and welcoming, you worry that you’re actually the butt of their jokes and they’re going to treat you like Carrie at the prom.
Because of this, you may be unintentionally contributing to your own sense of alienation: there may be people who’d love it if you joined their “tribe”, but you’re so guarded about potentially being mistreated or humiliated that you keep defensive walls up around yourself. Even though you desperately want to belong and forge those close connections with other people, you can’t seem to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to do so.
5. It feels like you’ve missed out on something vitally important for personal growth.
When you hear people talk about the great times they had with their close friend groups in college, or the holiday trips they take with their close parent groups, you can’t help but feel a pang of sadness and loss. You’ve been looking for your “village” for as long as you can remember and can’t understand why this experience has always eluded you. Even worse, it feels as though you missed out on a crucial part of your personal evolution — like never learning how to swim or ride a bike.
As a result, you may feel stunted, like you’re stuck in a position of arrested development, and you’re uncertain of how to move past this. After all, you’ve tried countless times to fit in with groups and have never succeeded. Right now, it feels like you’re stuck on a game level that you can’t beat, and therefore can’t proceed with.
6. You wonder if you’re the alien, or if they are.
Sometimes, the reason a person feels that they don’t fit in anywhere is that they’ve never met other people like themselves. For example, someone who is autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD) may feel like they don’t even speak the same language as those around them, all of whom seem to understand each other’s gestures and social cues. This can be even worse when said person doesn’t even realize they are neurodivergent yet, which is a common experience for many autistic and/or ADHD women in particular.
Alternatively, someone may feel like the only rational person in a sea of oblivious drones. Fires could be raging all around them, but when they try to tell others to watch out for the flames, they’re treated as though they’ve gone insane. Others may deal with imposter syndrome, in which they feel that they’re forever playing a role in an attempt to be accepted and approved of, without any sincerity behind their actions.
Whatever the reason, it’s like you’re a visitor to another planet where you haven’t been informed of all the rules, and are simply making things up as best you can as you go.
7. It feels like you’ll be lonely forever.
Those who feel like they never fit in anywhere often try to cultivate connections for years, with no success. As a result, they tend to withdraw and spend most of their time alone, or adopt animal companions to fill the gaps they feel they have in their lives. If they don’t have close family members, they may spend special occasions such as holidays and birthdays alone, and suffer from increasing levels of depression as a result.
If this has been your experience, you may feel as though you’ll be sad and lonely forever, never having the connections that your peers seem to cultivate so easily. Even though this is unlikely to be the case, it’s difficult to shake the feeling that you’ll always be the odd one out. You might have even resigned yourself to this idea and have given up on trying to make new connections because you feel nothing will come of them, so why bother?
Final thoughts…
In many cases, those who feel that they don’t fit in anywhere haven’t had the opportunity to meet their “people” yet. In situations like these, it might be an idea to travel and get to know others from many different locations. You may discover that you click instantly with people in another region or country whose values, interests, and personalities are similar to your own.
You could find the belonging you’ve been yearning for all this time when you start looking in the right places. There’s nothing “wrong” with a swan in a sea of ducklings: it just isn’t surrounded by those who speak its language yet.
