Many of us know people who are still close friends with the pals they made in kindergarten or high school. A lot of us can’t quite relate to this, either because we’ve moved away or because people have always flowed in and out of our lives.
But those who have decades’ worth of memories and close ties with long-term friends seem truly blessed indeed. Furthermore, they all seem to exhibit the same behaviors, which have likely contributed to these lifelong connections.
1. They stay in touch, no matter what.
Keeping in touch with loved ones is foundational to maintaining bonds with them for life. This can be difficult at times, especially if people travel around, raise kids, or lead very different lifestyles from one another, but it really doesn’t take a great deal of effort to keep in touch. This is truer now than ever before, as we have the ability to video call anyone instantly, regardless of where they are in the world.
My partner is close friends with a woman she befriended decades ago, and the two of them touch base pretty much daily. They exchange letters and holiday parcels regularly, and have visited one another despite living and travelling through several different countries over the years. The bottom line here is that when you have a special bond with someone, it’s important to put sincere effort into keeping it alive.
2. They make plans to spend time together in person.
There’s a meme going around online that says adulthood is just telling one another, “We really need to get together soon,” over and over for the rest of our lives. It’s true that we’re all insanely busy these days, but for most people, spending time with others face-to-face is vitally important for maintaining lifelong friendship bonds.
This is a lot easier to do if you live in the same city (or at least country) as your close friends. The latter takes a bit more planning and coordination, but if you’re within 100 miles of one another, you can make a point of spending time together in person regularly. Though it takes some effort to do this, the benefits for all parties involved are monumental.
3. They make wise judgments about which friends to keep in their lives.
The best romantic relationships are those that are based on mutual care and interests, and the same goes for friendships. Sure, some folks remain friends with the people they were seated next to in first grade because they love familiarity and consistency, but most of the people who maintain lifelong friendships do so with people with whom they share common ground.
Even when people seem to be polar opposites in many ways, there are usually one or two facets that they have in common. These are the strong ties that truly bind people together. Shared values, interests, passions, and pursuits give people an eternal well to draw from as far as discussions and projects go. For example, I trade book and music recommendations regularly with the high school friends I keep in touch with, and buddies of mine go on bi-annual fishing trips together to catch up and trade gear, etc.
4. They check in on each other.
As people become more and more engrossed in their personal and family lives, it’s easy to de-prioritize checking in on friends to see how they’re doing. It’s easier to do this with your best friends when you share a flat, or you see each other daily at work or school, and something entirely different when most of your interactions involve sending each other ridiculous memes over the course of the week.
Those who maintain lifelong bonds with their closest friends make a point of checking in with them regularly. Not just a simple “you okay?” kind of thing, but with real observations. They’ll notice when their friends aren’t as chatty as usual, or if they’ve been “vaguebooking” dark or depressing posts. A lot of people don’t like to burden others with their struggles, and won’t offer up details unless prodded to do so. This is where real friends come in: to ask the difficult, potentially uncomfortable questions to see if those they care about need help.
5. They exchange trinkets.
Humans are, for the most part, not terribly different from crows or otters. We all get excited when those we care about share little things with us, whether they’re pretty stones, shiny objects, or other little trinkets that they know we like.
People who stay friends for life usually make a point of giving each other gifts regularly — not solely the usual birthday or holiday offerings. It might be as simple as a surprise e-book or craft pattern, or a basket full of their favorite snacks for no reason other than the fact that they adore this person.
6. They involve one another in major events.
One of the most important things a person can do to maintain a lifelong bond with a friend is to include them in major life events. Even if their life paths take very different routes, they’ll still make a point of showing up for one another for things like graduations, weddings, child blessings, and funerals.
Special events become even more important when the people you care about share them with you. When these events are joyous, your best friends are there to experience all the brightness and good times together. And when things are difficult, like the death of a spouse or a parent, your friends are by your side to lean on.
7. They express real gratitude.
People who truly care about their best friends don’t take them for granted. They show up for one another countless times over the years, and keep doing so because they know how deeply their efforts are appreciated. Some people express their gratitude by making sure they reciprocate kindnesses equally, while others may write letters, cook meals, or make gifts, depending on their means.
I recently read something online in which a woman whose friend cooked and cleaned for her during her cancer treatment paid off her friend’s costly vet bills when her dog needed emergency care. This type of reciprocation makes friends feel seen and respected, and lets them know just how much their friendship is valued.
8. They lean on one another.
This may be an uncommon perspective coming from a man, but one of the key things that keeps bonds between best friends is a measure of vulnerability. Your closest friends can tell when there’s something wrong, but if you’re always saying that you’re good, you’re okay, everything’s awesome, a measure of trust will be lost between you.
This is because your friend knows damned well that you’re very much not okay, and will likely feel that you either don’t trust them enough to open up, or that you’re being deceptive for one reason or another.
It takes quite a lot of courage to tell your friends that you’re not okay, and even more courage to ask them for help when you need it.
“My spouse is sick, and I’m scared of losing them.”
“I’ve been carrying the burden alone for so long, and I’m overwhelmed.”
“I need to do this task, and I’m not as capable as I used to be.”
Best friends leap at the opportunity to help one another, and this mutual aid can give everyone involved the strength to keep going, in turn.
Final thoughts…
While some people have been blessed to be born into loving, supportive families, others build a family with those they meet over the course of their lives. Just like with romantic relationships, these friendships need regular care and maintenance in order to keep them alive: they can’t be neglected for ages and then expected to be around when it’s convenient.
If you care about your closest friends dearly, put these behaviors into practice regularly (if you don’t already). See this like reinforcing and nurturing saplings so they keep growing into strong, healthy trees with deep roots, over time.
