Have you ever watched a film in which a person either sits up straight in bed or otherwise “snaps” to full alertness because they’ve had the sudden realization that there’s something very wrong? This usually happens after a period in which they had a feeling something wasn’t quite right, but couldn’t put their finger on what it was.
If you’ve been doing some soul searching recently, you may have snapped awake to the awareness that your social connections are hollow and unfulfilling, which isn’t fun to realize at all. Alternatively, you may have a niggling feeling that you haven’t quite placed yet. If so, you might want to ask yourself if any of these signs ring a bell for you.
1. You realize that you couldn’t count on any of your friends in an emergency.
If you imagine yourself in a crisis situation—whether it’s a medical emergency or just needing someone to drop everything and be there for you—you likely draw a complete blank when trying to think of who you’d call in your social group. You’re pretty sure most of your friends would make excuses or simply become mysteriously uncontactable when things get difficult.
It’s sobering to realize that those in your close social circle would either be too incompetent or utterly unwilling to be of service should the dire need arise. Not only would this make you feel very alone in life, but leaves you wondering why you’re spending so much time with people who wouldn’t Heimlich you if you were choking.
2. You haven’t had a meaningful interaction with them.
When you think of the conversations you’ve had with the people in your social circle, you can count on the fingers of one hand how many of them have actually been meaningful. In fact, if you’ve tried to talk to them about anything philosophical or mind-expanding, they’ve likely admonished you for being weird.
I remember one experience I had where some friends and I were camping by a lake, looking up at the night sky. I mused aloud about the possibility of life on other planets and what they would think of us, and those friends just laughed and said that topic was “too deep” for them. They redirected the conversation back to music and girls, and that set the tone for the rest of our friendship.
3. You roll your eyes when you get a message from them.
Whenever you hear from them, you may sigh and roll your eyes because you know that there’s going to be some fresh dramatic hell to contend with. Whether they’re friends or family, they likely only reach out to you when they need to vent or want your help with something.
Alternatively, these people may stay in contact with you because of things that you do for them or some status perk, rather than anything authentic. For example, you may score great swag from your job that they can benefit from, or you have a truck that’s great for hauling their stuff around on demand.
4. None of them “get” you.
You have to maintain tedious superficiality or keep explaining yourself, as those around you rarely understand where you’re coming from. Even though you’re technically speaking the same language, you might as well be talking to someone from another planet.
They don’t catch the book or movie references you use because they aren’t into the same things you are, nor do they have the same kind of life experience that you’ve had. Things that are second nature to you are totally alien to them, and vice versa. It’s startling to realize that you can be sitting next to someone, but are having a completely different life experience than they are.
5. You feel more drained than rejuvenated after each interaction with them.
When you have good friends and family members whom you love and get on well with, you feel a sense of warmth and happiness after spending time with them. Even if you’re tired and you’ve eaten far too many cheesy carbs for your own good, you still smile after parting ways because you’ve had such a good time in their company.
In contrast, you may find that social connections you have now drain the very life out of you. Although you might have felt high-spirited and energetic earlier in the day, after interacting with these people, you feel like it’d take everything you have just to form a sentence. They’re either energy vampires or otherwise so completely draining that it takes you days to recover from hanging out with them. You get zero benefit from spending time in their company, and might actually lose a few more brain cells every time you do.
6. You can’t be yourself around them.
These people are okay enough to hang out with at the pub on the weekend or to chat with in someone’s backyard when there’s a barbecue happening, but you have to guard your words and your actions carefully around these folks. Conversations are kept fairly superficial, maybe talking about current events or sports, because your perspectives on deeper subjects are so different from theirs that you may end up mocked, ostracized, or downright attacked.
As a result, none of these people has ever witnessed the “real” you. You’ve never spoken up about the things you’re passionate about for fear of mockery, and you don’t argue with them when they mention some idiocy that they’re claiming as truth. In fact, you may feel a certain degree of self-loathing about the fact that you’ve “kept mum” in certain scenarios instead of tearing somebody a new one for what they’ve just blurted.
7. Your friends don’t know anything about you.
They have no concept of who you really are outside their own perceptions of you. Essentially, they have a you-shaped picture in their minds, but it bears little resemblance to who you actually are. In fact, they may know so little about you that they’ll do things for you that they think you’d like, even though you despise them.
For example, they might cook you something that you’re allergic to or don’t eat for ethical reasons, or throw a surprise party for you even though you have told them outright that you absolutely detest surprise gatherings. Then you’re the jerk for not being appropriately appreciative of their efforts.
8. You’re quite certain that your death would go unnoticed.
You may have come to the realization that your cat would have contentedly gnawed upon your face for a good week or so before any of your so-called friends came over to check on you. Furthermore, they would have only done so because the neighbor had called the authorities about the ghastly stench coming from your flat.
Alternatively, if you died elsewhere and nobody notified your social group, it might take weeks or months for them to even notice that you weren’t around anymore, and quite a bit longer for them to reach out any tendrils to find out what had become of you. You’re simply not important enough to these people for them to put real effort into looking out for you.
9. You’ve come to the realization that you don’t sincerely like them.
Epiphanies can pop up when you least expect them to, and you may have experienced one recently in which you realized that you don’t actually like any of the people you hang out with. Maybe you’re with your partner because you had some chemistry a while back and stayed together because it’s convenient, rather than because there’s a real connection or emotion between you. Similarly, perhaps you’ve known your “friends” forever and hang out with them out of familiarity rather than kinship.
You’ve realized that if you suddenly woke up in another country, far away from all of your social connections, you wouldn’t miss them at all. In fact, you might feel a sudden lightness of being at the realization that you don’t have to deal with their drama or moping anymore.
Final thoughts…
It’s normal to outgrow friendships and to grow apart from people you don’t feel a strong connection with. If you discover that your social connections are hollow and unfulfilling, your relationship is going nowhere, and you’re yearning to create strong bonds with people who actually understand you, there’s no time like the present to seek them out.
Find your tribe by doing things with like-minded individuals, from hobbies to events, and cultivate some new friendships. Life is too short to waste on people who steal your light and offer next to nothing in return.
