Two-faced people are skilled manipulators and masters at hiding their true intentions. They’re friendly to your face but speak badly about you behind your back or try to undermine your efforts. Typically, the best choice is not to engage with these people at all, but we don’t always have that choice, like in the workplace. Sometimes you just have to deal with these people.
But whether avoiding or dealing with them, you need to know how to spot them first. The good news is that you can spot these people if you understand what to look for. That way, you can avoid leaving yourself vulnerable. Here are 8 behaviors to watch out for.
1. They change their tone and personality depending on the audience.
Quiet observation will tell you a lot about a person. Manipulators and two-faced people often act in a way that will earn trust, favor, or special attention. WebMD shares that a common approach is to ingratiate themselves to others. They may heap on praise, say every idea is a good idea, and be all smiles because they know a lot of people fall for that.
In the workplace, the most obvious place you’ll see it is with people who cozy up to the boss so they can whisper in their ear. In friend circles, it comes down to smiling to your face and talking badly about you behind your back.
But here’s the thing: most of them aren’t that clever, so they don’t typically do a good job of compartmentalizing. Meaning, if they don’t like someone else, they’ll be nice to them and then badmouth them to you. So look out for this behavior, as it will give you an idea of their character.
2. They “accidentally” share your secrets.
A two-faced person may let something slip that you told them in confidence. Then, if you get angry about it, they’ll say it was “just an accident”, they didn’t mean to, and don’t be mad. It wasn’t an accident. It’s never an accident. It’s not hard not to talk about other people’s personal business, especially if they are someone you genuinely care about. It’s as simple as stating, “Yeah, I’m not going to talk about my friend.” And then not talking.
What they’re actually doing is testing your boundaries. They want to know if you will accept this excuse, forgive them, and continue feeding them information. If someone “accidentally” reveals deeply personal information, never share with them again, because it will be used against you.
3. They play the victim while stirring the pot of drama.
Years ago, I was working in a terrible job with people who didn’t want to be there because the job was just awful, underpaid, and the managers were borderline incompetent. Then, they hired in someone that we’ll call “Matt”. Matt came in, was super friendly, extroverted, and outgoing, trying to connect with as many people as he could.
As time went on, he made work friends and cozied up to management, where he so helpfully provided his input regularly. The problem is that his input was all self-serving. If he didn’t like you, he would tell management you weren’t doing your job, were taking extra breaks, or other negative things that were difficult to prove.
One day, Matt was overheard telling the manager that one of our best workers wasn’t doing their work effectively. Said worker was not pleased about this and went and confronted Matt. Matt decided the approach was to talk about how he was tired of picking up so much slack from other workers, and he was frustrated, and don’t be mad at him, and then he appealed to management for backup on it, which he got.
Management believed him instead of their best worker, who then quit their job a week later. The moral of this story? Two-faced people are perpetual victims. It’s one of the more effective ways they control the narrative, because it’s easy for them to fool people who want to see the good in others or haven’t seen their other face, yet.
4. Their compliments feel rehearsed and not genuine.
Dr. Jason Whiting writes that compliments are a common tool of manipulation for the two-faced person. They don’t give compliments sincerely because they don’t genuinely care how you feel. Instead, they opt for a strategic approach, looking for times where they can give you praise to make you feel ingratiated or indebted to them. They will withhold praise when you do something that doesn’t serve their interests.
Let’s go back to the work example. Let’s say you have a “Matt” at your company. You’re working on a project, you do exceptionally well at it, and you are recognized for it by your management. Instead of being happy for you, Matt will instead undermine and undercut your achievement. “It’s not that big a deal. Anyone could have done that.”
On the other hand, Matt may wait until you’re struggling, then heap on the praise in the hopes that you will come to him again when you’re struggling. At that time, you’re most emotionally vulnerable and susceptible to being influenced as well as revealing sensitive information by accident or on purpose, because you trust Matt. After all, he was there for you when you were struggling. Right?
5. They ask too many questions about your personal life.
The interest that a two-faced person expresses in other people is not because they genuinely want to know them. Instead, they are looking for ammunition to use against that person later. The more they know about the person they’re manipulating, the easier it is for them to twist the truth or strategically deploy lies to get their own way.
It may appear like an innocent conversation, but what happens is that these people tend to be invasive. They ask too many questions, or they start pressing for details that they don’t need to know. They’ll be asking about things that you may only talk to friends about, or that you don’t feel comfortable sharing.
It’s a boundary-pushing behavior because they want to see how much information you’ll give up.
6. They align themselves with whoever is useful and will discard them when they’re not.
In my previous experience, I highlighted how Matt cozied up to management to be able to whisper in their ear. That’s a normal thing for a two-faced person to do. They want to sidle up to whoever is useful so they can exert their own will through that person. That could be a manager at work, or it could be like the “leader” of a friend group.
Their interest isn’t sincere or genuine. As soon as that person stops being useful, the two-faced person will drop them immediately and move on to whoever takes their place. Their loyalty is not to people, it’s to the power they can wield through their manipulation and deceit.
7. They will twist your words to suit their agenda.
Pay attention to the way people tell stories or relate information. Good manipulators are subtle with their approach, often using slight twists of words or leaving out context to change the meaning of the words. They may also repurpose your words to cast in a different context to use as a weapon against you.
For example, let’s say you’re having a bit of a hard time at work, and you complain about not being able to get things done due to a lack of time. A manipulator may take that information to your boss and say, “They’re complaining about you giving them too much to do!” Of course, very few bosses want to hear that, so they come to you with the idea in mind that you’re complaining about them instead of just struggling with the workload.
They will also do this in front of other people, even groups. Most people don’t pay close enough attention to notice those nuances at times.
8. They mirror your emotions to earn your trust until it’s no longer useful.
A common strategy to gain someone’s trust is to mirror the emotions that they’re projecting. It’s a type of fake empathy that causes you to feel as though you’re on the same wavelength as that person. It helps you feel at ease, and subconsciously encourages you to let down your defenses. The two-faced person will match your energy, so that they appear to be just like you, so that you think that you made a new connection.
That lasts right up until it’s no longer useful for the manipulator. After they’ve gained the access that they’re looking for, or you’re no longer useful, they will stop pretending and basically discard you. Alternatively, they may use the information that they gathered on you as a weapon against you.
Final thoughts…
Manipulators and two-faced people can be hard to spot when you first encounter them. Many people are on their best behavior when they first meet. However, these behaviors point to someone who does not have your best interests in mind.
Protect yourself. Stay aware, and be wary of anyone who comes on too strong or starts asking super-personal questions too early. Be wary of anyone who heaps too much praise on you to the point it feels excessive. Do that, and you can avoid a lot of these people.
