Many people enthusiastically label others as narcissists at the drop of a hat — most commonly when they exhibit behavior that they don’t like. This can lead a lot of individuals to worry whether they’re actually abusive narcissists, when, in reality, they’re just muddling through their existence the best they can.
Just about all of us will be a bit selfish and self-centered at times, but contrary to what seems to be popular belief, doing the things listed below doesn’t actually make you a narcissist.
1. Taking care of yourself.
I recently heard someone refer to a woman in our social group as being a narcissist. Why? Because after she got divorced, she started working out, got Botox, dyed her hair, and got a new wardrobe. In my acquaintance’s eyes, these were textbook narcissist traits, and she didn’t know if she wanted to continue spending time with this woman if she was going to act like she was “better than everyone else”.
A person who tries to be the best version of themselves, via their own preferences and parameters, isn’t necessarily a narcissist. This is especially true if they’re doing it to boost their own self-esteem rather than to garner admiration and praise from those around them.
2. Trying to blame others if and when things go wrong.
If this behaviour were a trait solely associated with narcissism, then every three-year-old on the planet would be diagnosed with that condition. Attempting to avoid accountability for wrongdoing is something that the majority of human beings will do at some point in their lives.
Some grow out of that trait and graciously accept when they’ve done wrong (and try to make amends when they do so), but others will perpetually try to escape the consequences of their actions — whether out of shame, guilt, or discomfort with the truth of a situation that they don’t want to face.
3. Introversion or otherwise keeping yourself to yourself.
Many introverts get labeled as narcissists simply because we keep to ourselves. This behavior is interpreted as antisocial, or that we think others are beneath us and therefore unworthy of our attention. In reality, we just want to do our own thing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been insulted or accused of misanthropic behavior simply because I wanted to read alone at a cafe or on a plane instead of indulging someone else’s demands to socialize.
My partner has experienced this as well because he’s so focused on physical fitness. He’d be running or working out on the property where we lived, intent on hitting his own progressive fitness targets, and would be constantly interrupted and mocked by acquaintances or neighbors who wanted him to spend time with them instead. Many people feel unwanted or unimportant when introverts turn down their invitations to socialize, and then call those introverts “narcissists” as a way to alleviate their feelings of rejection.
4. Telling others about similar things you’ve experienced when they’re sharing stories about themselves.
For a lot of people — especially those of us in the neurodivergent community — sharing stories that relate to what someone is saying is a way of trying to say “I understand and empathize with you”. An example of this would be someone telling a friend about how sad they were when their cat died, and their friend saying they felt the same way when their dog passed. Friend one might get incredibly upset that their companion was making it “all about them” when that wasn’t the case at all.
Unfortunately, a lot of individuals misinterpret this kind of behavior as the one in question trying to make themselves the center of attention, believing that’s a sign that they’re a narcissist, which isn’t the case at all. That said, if someone is constantly talking over others in this manner to show just how empathetic and compassionate they are, that can be construed as narcissistic behavior. This doesn’t mean that they’re a textbook narcissist: anyone can behave in this manner on occasion without being pathological.
5. Overstepping boundaries.
People make mistakes all the time, and that may include accidentally overstepping the boundaries that those around them have established. This often happens if someone is stressed or exhausted and has forgotten that a certain word or action has been verboten. Suddenly, they’re labeled a narcissistic abuser and discarded, though the intention behind their behavior wasn’t malicious in the least: just a mistake from a flawed, tired person.
It’s interesting to note here that many people are quick to pull the plug if the one they’re dating makes the slightest transgression, but ask for (and expect) grace when and if their roles are reversed.
6. One-upmanship.
It isn’t just diagnosed narcissists who try to one-up and outdo those around them: many ambitious people strive to be the best at what they do, whether it’s academic or career achievement, athleticism, or any other number of endeavors. Furthermore, many other nuances of the human condition other than narcissism may inspire this behavior: insecurity, avarice, and intense competitiveness may all lead a person to try to outdo those around them.
Ancient Egyptian papyri, the Mahabharata, the Bible, and ancient Greek texts all have writings about fairness with regard to outdoing one another, so people have been behaving in this manner for a very long time indeed. Those who do so are often focused on acquisition or personal achievement, rather than gaining admiration or emotional nourishment from others, the latter of which is more common in actual narcissism.
7. Wanting fair acknowledgement for achievements.
Let’s say you’re working on a group project at the office, but you end up doing 80 percent of it yourself while your colleagues gossip and go for three-hour coffee breaks. When the project ends up being a great success, and those colleagues get equal credit for all the work you’ve done, that isn’t fair.
If you speak up about this unfairness, however, those colleagues are certain to get upset about it. They may weaponize the word “narcissism” in order to get what they want out of this situation. Namely, credit for things that they didn’t do while simultaneously assassinating your character in the process. That way, if it happens again, nobody will believe you next time: they’ll simply assume you’re being a petulant narcissist because you aren’t getting enough attention.
8. Being intensely focused on another.
Actions that some may interpret as narcissistic “love-bombing” may simply be sincere, loving attention. Negotiating interpersonal dynamics can be tricky for a lot of people, and what one person considers to be too much, too soon, may simply be someone else being smitten. They may go overboard with affection, texts, and gift-giving, which puts others on high alert about potentially being hurt by them.
Their intensely focused affection may not be limited to humans, either. For instance, someone may truly love their animal companion(s) beyond possible measure and would prefer to spend time with them than with other humans in their social group. This doesn’t mean that they think others are beneath them and somehow unworthy of their attention: they simply get along better with animals than people, and prefer to spend their time with them accordingly.
9. Not loving someone the way they want you to.
You may have noticed that a lot of people throw labels around quite freely when they want to silence or police others’ actions. Similarly, they’re often eager to demonize behavior that they dislike, making unfounded accusations of things like bigotry, phobias, ableism, and narcissism when others don’t behave the way they want them to.
They’ll often do the same thing when a person doesn’t love them the way they’d like.
I’ve known several people who have accused their former partners of narcissism because they didn’t show them the right type of affection, or because they had firm boundaries that they refused to bend. Relationships may be incompatible for many different reasons, but that doesn’t mean that it’s because one of the people involved has a severe mental health condition.
Final thoughts…
Many people are quick to pathologize fairly common behaviors as personality disorders without just cause. In the same way that enjoying a tidy workspace doesn’t mean a person has OCD, someone who behaves selfishly or manipulatively at times isn’t necessarily a narcissist.
Furthermore, many are quick to throw the “narcissist” label at anyone they dislike, especially if they behave differently than expected. We may do things for countless reasons, and we’re all going to misstep and potentially hurt others at times. Let’s not be too hasty to label others as narcissistic monsters simply for being human.
