A marriage that lasts for several years is often compared to a comfortable, well-worn shoe. It fits perfectly, is still in good shape, and never causes blisters or bunions. The thing about shoes, however, is that people tend to take them for granted. In fact, most people don’t even think about their shoes unless they’re causing them discomfort somehow.
If you don’t want to take your spouse for granted in this fashion, make sure you keep doing the things mentioned below. Keep reminding them why they married you in the first place.
1. The seemingly unimportant “little” rituals.
Most couples have little rituals like these that they look forward to from each other. For example, if one partner travels a lot for work, they may bring back a snow globe or T-shirt from every location they visit. Maybe their spouse warms their PJs for them in the dryer so they’re toasty when they’re getting ready for bed, or they slip notes into each other’s lunches to encourage smiles at the office.
My partner brings me coffee in bed every morning, without fail. It has become a ritual for us over the years, in which he brings me coffee, we chat about the things we dreamt about, and discuss our plans for the day, and then we part ways to do our own thing.
I dread the thought of when this ritual may ever stop because it means so very much to me.
2. Showing physical affection.
There’s an old joke that says that if people put a coin into a jar every time they’re physically affectionate during the first three years of marriage, and then take one out every time they’re physical after that, the jar will never be emptied.
You don’t necessarily need to be all over each other several times a week right into your 90s (unless you really want to), but for most people, showing physical affection towards one another is of the utmost importance. Hugs, forehead kisses, hand holding, and couch cuddles while watching ridiculous murder mysteries involving giant wheels of cheese all serve to keep reinforcing the bond between you.
And if you’re not a very affectionate person and your partner is (or vice versa), it’s going to be important to work through this mismatch to ensure you both remain happy, comfortable, and satisfied in the relationship.
3. Planning special “dates” together.
Do you remember what the beginning of your relationship was like? How much did the two of you look forward to seeing one another? You’d dress up to look your best for one another, go to restaurants or cafes, visit museums, maybe do silly things like mini golf or terrible antique shopping, and so on. Once you were married, however, there didn’t seem to be a point to having “date night” anymore. After all, you were both locked in — there was no reason to keep trying to impress or woo each other anymore, right?
Quite the contrary, actually: it was those sweet little experiences that drew the two of you together in the first place, and continuing to do them can help to keep your relationship going strong for decades to come.
4. Taking an interest in (or simply supporting) what they’re passionate about.
There are few things as heartbreaking as getting really excited about a subject or a project, only to have one’s spouse show zero interest in it. Nobody is expected to share all of their partner’s interests, but it doesn’t cost much to simply be supportive and encouraging.
Maybe your spouse has taken up a hobby since they retired, and they’re excited about showing you what they’ve made. If you show irritation and make it clear that you don’t care whatsoever, that’s going to crush some of their joy and passion for it.
Furthermore, if and when you discover a hobby that means a lot to you, they may retaliate and show you just how little they care, in turn, thus creating a negative feedback loop between the two of you. You don’t have to take up this hobby yourself, nor pretend that you share their passion: just let them know that you’re proud of them, and that you’re happy that they’re excited about it.
5. Treating them respectfully.
Just because you’ve been living with this person for decades, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t worthy of just as much respect as when you first met them. For many people, familiarity doesn’t just breed contempt — it also breeds disregard.
Your spouse isn’t an extension of you to be treated as an extra appendage rather than another human being, nor are they a piece of furniture to be moved around or ignored. Knock before entering their space, ask for permission before using their belongings, acknowledge them politely when you see them, and so on.
6. Showing them real gratitude and appreciation.
If your spouse has spent days cooking a holiday meal for the family, how do you thank them? Do you just say “thanks” and then wander off after you’ve eaten? Or do you express real gratitude by cleaning up and putting everything away? How about the other things they do for you on a regular basis?
Many people take for granted the fact that their clothes are washed, folded, and put away for them, that the tea caddy is always full of bags, and that there’s always jam for their toast, without acknowledging that it’s not a helpful house Nisse that’s taking care of all of these things: it’s their spouse. Take note of all the things that are “taken care of” without any requests for acknowledgement, and express sincere appreciation for them on a regular basis.
7. Prioritizing time with them.
When you think about the priorities in your life, is spending time with your spouse at the top of your list? Or somewhere near the bottom of the totem pole? If you’ve made plans to go out with them on the weekend, do you adhere to those plans even if something more interesting or exciting comes along? Or do you bail on them in favor of an outing with friends who have extra tickets to an event you’re interested in?
You chose this person to be your other half, just as they chose you. So make it clear that you’ll continue to choose them above all others for the rest of the time the two of you have together. Think of it this way: if they suddenly weren’t in your life tomorrow, how gutted would you feel for having ditched them in favor of a sports game or luncheon?
8. Telling them how much you care.
I remember overhearing an ex of mine ask his father why he never told his mother that he loves her. His dad brushed this notion off as ridiculous and explained that she already knows that she does, so why would he have to bother saying it?
We may show our affection towards our spouses in many ways, and assume that they know how much we care, but it’s always nice to hear it from them as well. If you have difficulty saying the words, write them down in a letter or a nice card instead. You may not realize just how much your life partner would love to receive such an expression from you: it may be the most important and special gift they’ve been given in years.
Final thoughts…
Many of us fall into the trap of taking our spouses for granted, especially if we’re feeling drained by life’s many travails. After all, it can be difficult to take care of ourselves during rough patches, let alone output towards those we care about.
The good news is that it doesn’t take much effort to do things that mean the world to our loved ones. Encourage their creative projects, hug them, and tell them just how important they are to you. Then take note of how their eyes light up a little bit more each time they see you.
