It’s never fun to realize that you’re the person who’s putting all the effort into keeping a relationship going. This goes for friendships as well as romantic entanglements or family dynamics. When you’re fortunate enough to have a connection with another person and cultivate a friendship with them, you know how important it is to keep that connection alive.
But what if you’re the one who’s putting the effort in without reciprocation? If this is the case, at least one of the eight truths listed below may be contributing to the situation.
1. You may want to be their friend more than they want to be yours.
If you’ve dated a fair number of people, you know that romantic interest isn’t always matched evenly. Sometimes, a person will be really into you, but you just aren’t feeling it, or vice versa.
The same thing happens with platonic friendships, even though this isn’t discussed very often. It’s possible that you keep putting the effort in because you really want to be friends with this person, but they don’t reciprocate that interest. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with you — it’s just not a good match, for various reasons.
2. It could be an imbalanced pairing.
Few friendships are completely balanced. But ideally, there’s an equal give and take between both people, though those efforts may ebb and flow depending on what both individuals are going through. If you find that you’re the friend who’s always putting effort in without it ever being matched, then you may have chosen to pursue a one-sided friendship with someone who really isn’t worth your time and attention.
They may not be able to meet you at the same level, be it equal energy exchange, acting with integrity, etc. Alternatively, you may have been nothing but gentle, generous, and kind to this friend, and they’re just not that way inclined towards others. They may see such behavior as weak or pandering, or they may simply not know how to be a good friend.
3. They might have a lot going on.
This often happens when a couple of people have been friends for a long time, and then one of the friends’ lives undergoes a drastic change. Suddenly, instead of hanging out every weekend or spending hours on the phone, they don’t have much time for you anymore. You may feel like your efforts are being taken for granted, but this is the point at which it’s important to take a step back to see the big picture.
What’s going on in your friend’s life? Is there a lot of stress in their life due to relationship issues, a new job, a sick parent, or similar? My partner and I experienced this when a couple we used to spend a lot of time with had a baby and were suddenly too exhausted and overwhelmed to socialize anymore. There wasn’t anything “wrong” with our friendship: it just changed shape.
4. They’ve withdrawn from you for one reason or another.
If you’ve been close to this person for a while and suddenly they stop putting effort into your friendship, then it’s possible that you’ve said or done something that has upset them. Maybe you’ve said or done something that made them lose respect for you, or that hurt them on some level, even if you did so unintentionally.
Essentially, there’s something about your life — be it your behavior, your character, or even things that you’re experiencing — that’s causing a dissonance in your behavior. It could also be as simple as the fact that you’re succeeding in an area in which they’re struggling, and it’s too painful for them to be around you right now. We had one friend who went through several rounds of IVF, all of which failed, and she couldn’t bear to spend time with friends who had kids for several years.
5. They might only associate with you when it benefits them, rather than for your company.
If you take a look at the friendship in question, you may discover that although you put the effort in most of the time, they’ll make a big effort over you when and if they’ll be benefiting from you in some way.
For example, you might invite them to all kinds of parties, gatherings, etc., as well as remembering their birthday and other special occasions. In turn, they’ll wish you well on social media when the reminder comes up, but they’ll go above and beyond if and when you land a great opportunity, and they can benefit by proxy. Essentially, they’re using you.
6. Perhaps they’re so introverted that they prefer to spend time alone, and/or they’re neurodivergent and socialising wears them out.
This person might be an amazing individual whom you’d really love to spend more time with, but socializing exhausts them more than most others realize. They’re happy to socialize on occasion, when they have the bandwidth to do so, but most of the time they’d rather be by themselves.
If you’re an extroverted type who’s full of bubbly enthusiasm, they may do their best to match your energy when they’re with you, but then need a few days to regroup after every interaction. This is particularly true of introverts and neurodivergent people, such as those who are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD), who can get overstimulated very easily and wear themselves down trying to do their best to mask and mirror others.
It’s not that the person in question dislikes you: in fact, they might think you’re amazing on every level. They just aren’t able to socialize on the level that you’re looking for.
7. They may have crippling social anxiety that they’re trying to hide.
People who don’t suffer from social anxiety don’t (can’t) understand how paralyzing it can be. Those who suffer from it often end up isolating themselves due to the overwhelming fear of being judged, mocked, or otherwise humiliated in social situations — either due to their own awkwardness or because other people are mean to them.
They may want to reach out and put the effort into talking to you, spending time with you, etc., but they can’t. Furthermore, they may try to hide this condition as best they can, which is why you haven’t clued into it. If you run into them in a social situation, they’re likely masking as best they can in order to appear functional, only to leave early and have a weeping panic attack in the shower as soon as they get home. From your perspective, they’re just avoiding you… but in reality, they’re falling apart.
8. Your friend could be hurting more than you realize.
If you have a friend who takes forever to get back to you, bails on plans, and doesn’t make a point of staying in contact, they may be in a really dark place right now. Most people view life through the lens of their own perspective, and end up overlaying their assumptions and experiences onto various situations — even if those situations are completely different from what they’ve experienced firsthand.
You might assume that your buddy keeps flaking out because they don’t care enough to put effort into the friendship, but in reality, this person is barely holding on. They’re just not talking about it because they’re ashamed of how they feel, they don’t want to burden others with their woes, etc. But if they don’t share that load with anyone, it could end up causing severe (and possibly even permanent) harm. It may be uncomfortable or awkward to ask your friends if they’re doing okay, but it might mean a world of difference for that person.
Final thoughts…
Friendships, like every other type of relationship, change and evolve over time. In the same way that gardens don’t bloom year-round and need to go fallow at times, people draw away and move closer together again over the course of their lives.
If you feel that you’re always putting the effort into a friendship, consider easing off a bit and letting that person come to you when they’re ready to do so. Whether they have a lot on or you’ve done something to hurt them, time apart may be a soothing balm to heal any rifts between you.
