If anyone has called you selfish for simply living your life, you may have felt confused and upset by that accusation. In fact, unless you had spread yourself over the buffet table so you could eat everything undisturbed, or told a grieving person to stop crying because it was annoying you, then chances are you were simply living life on your own terms.
The behaviors listed below are those that are often labelled as self-serving by those with main character syndrome, but they aren’t actually selfish. At all.
1. Changing your mind.
As long as you’re still breathing, you’re allowed to change your mind. This can be about something as small as changing dinner plans to delivery rather than a restaurant visit, or standing at the altar and recognizing that you absolutely do not want to spend the rest of your life with the person in front of you.
Here’s an example: a friend of mine cultivated a long-distance relationship with a guy, and they decided to meet up and travel through India together. While on the plane, however, she recognized that she had no chemistry with him, and they parted ways upon arrival.
Any new experience, information, or personal paradigm shift may cause you to reframe your entire perspective on a person or situation. Change is both inevitable and permitted, regardless of others’ preferences.
2. Choosing not to have children.
Having a child is actually one of the most selfish things a person can do, yet it’s those who choose not to procreate who are often labeled as self-indulgent. In the minds of many parents, not having kids means that the individual wants to live a life of hedonism instead of responsibility. On the contrary, most people who choose not to have kids make this decision because they recognize that it isn’t a good idea for them to do so.
Some don’t want to bring new life into a world that’s falling apart, while others either don’t want to inflict their genetics on another generation. Or they’re aware that their personal struggles would make them less-than-ideal parents. It would be terribly selfish of them to have children only for those kids to suffer.
Unfortunately, those who have had children and regret doing so will call child-free individuals “selfish” to validate their own choices, and potentially guilt-trip others into making the same ones. Your choice to have children or not is yours alone, and you don’t need to justify it to anyone.
3. Focusing on your craft.
Many people admire artists, writers, craftspeople, and musicians of the past who have dedicated all of their time and energy to mastering their chosen field. They’ve lauded these people’s unwavering dedication and are in awe of the masterpieces they ended up creating. Who hasn’t been awestruck by the Sistine Chapel ceiling or Beethoven’s music?
They, along with Leonardo da Vinci, Emily St. Vincent Millay, and Nikola Tesla, are among the many people who never married and instead poured all of their effort into their creativity.
Nobody today condemns them for doing so, but they will deride their peers for doing exactly that. The reality is, those who call others selfish for pouring their souls into their passions are usually terribly unhappy people who are miserable that others are doing what they wish they could.
4. Stepping away from harmful people — including family.
Few people would condemn anyone for distancing themselves from an abusive partner, but they don’t often show the same grace when it’s a toxic family member. When they find out your abuser is a relative, they’ll tilt their heads and say, “but it’s your mother/father/child…” and trail off, as though sharing DNA with someone gives them free rein to mistreat you.
If you’re trying to live your life as quietly and joyfully as possible and want the constant arguments and drama to stop, then it makes complete sense to cut these people off. You have already wasted time negotiating sensible boundaries, and they’ve proven unwilling to honor and respect them. You’re neither selfish nor uncaring for doing what’s necessary for the sake of self-preservation.
5. Paying for yourself when you go out to eat as a group.
A lot of people will try to get as much out of others as possible, especially when it comes to food. One of the most classic tricks used by individuals like this worldwide is to go out to eat with a group of friends, with the expectation that the bill will be divided equally. Then they’ll order the most expensive item on the menu, or stuff themselves with multiple courses. After all, the bill’s going to be split evenly, right? What a jerk.
It’s not selfish at all to establish from the onset that you’ll only be paying for your own meal. In fact, when the server asks if you’ll be paying separately or as a group, that’s your opportunity to establish that you’ll be paying alone. You can tell whether your friends are respectful or opportunistic users if they do the same or call you a selfish jerk for doing so.
6. Prioritizing your own pursuits over others’ needs and wants.
Maybe you’ve put your own desires and pursuits aside for others for years in favor of raising and caring for your family, but you’ve been saving up to go on a world cruise while you’re still young and healthy enough to do so. Unfortunately, your adult child needs new appliances, is behind on their mortgage, or simply wants free childcare, and tries to guilt-trip you for prioritizing your own interests over their wants.
And this happens on a regular basis. You’re constantly expected to be a workhorse or a wallet for other people’s demands. As such, the only way you’ll be able to live your life in a manner that you like is if you put your own interests higher on the list. Learn to say “no”.
7. Moving away.
This could be the next street over, or several countries away: whatever makes it inconvenient for others to have access to you. They’ll call you selfish because of how much they’ll miss you and will get upset when you point out the fact that you’ve only seen them twice in the past five years.
Essentially, you not being available may inconvenience them in some manner when and if they have a use for you. It’s rather like how people (adults and children alike) hoard items that they may want to use or play with at some point. They’ll never look in that drawer, but they get devastated at the thought that items in it aren’t within arm’s reach anymore. The person calling you selfish for moving away might just find it inconvenient that they’ll have to ask someone else to babysit their kids or lend them tools when needed.
8. Cancelling plans.
Sometimes things come up that you have no control over, and there needs to be a change of plan. This can upset and annoy even the most reasonable person if they had their heart set on doing that special something with you. They’ll be more understanding if it turns out to have been an emergency, but if you’re just not feeling up to it anymore, then they’ll get resentful and imply that you’re selfish for putting self-care ahead of spending time with them.
There may be countless reasons why you’re not up to getting together, and this is especially true if the plans are with someone who’s expecting physical intimacy with you. Nobody is entitled to your time, your energy, or your body. If you need to cancel because something in your life has shifted and you need to withdraw, then that’s that. End of discussion.
9. Making alone time your priority.
Many of us have well-meaning people in our lives who take it upon themselves to spend time with us so we won’t be lonely, when all we want is to be left alone. This is particularly common with extroverts who get depressed without regular human contact, as well as those who enjoy your company and will imply that you’re selfish and misanthropic if you don’t offer it up on demand.
There may be countless reasons why a person prefers to be alone. Some may get overstimulated easily, while others have been through a lot and just want to be in their own heads. There’s nothing selfish at all about wanting to keep yourself to yourself without intrusion.
Final thoughts…
When someone calls you “selfish”, it’s usually because they want you to behave differently and resent that you aren’t acquiescing. Or there are aspects of your life that they want but can’t have, so they’re condemning you for it. In cases like these, every accusation is a confession of some sort.
If a person calls you selfish, determine whether they’re projecting their issues onto you or trying to manipulate you into doing what they want. Then ask if it would be selfish if your roles were reversed, and watch how they respond.
