You’re probably already familiar with the idiom of a person “digging their own grave”: it implies that they’re wholly responsible for the misfortune that they then have to contend with. Most of us have been in situations like these at least a few times, and have looked back with clear eyes and shaken our heads at our poor choices.
Unfortunately, some folks don’t learn from their experiences and end up repeating unhealthy patterns that cause them the same problems over and over again. Patterns like these:
1. They react to positive criticisms with hostility.
Instead of objectively looking at what’s occurring and considering that the other person’s words may hold a measure of truth, for many people, there’s a knee-jerk flash of anger and hostility. Furthermore, some people see these criticisms (which may be wholly constructive and delivered gently and respectfully) as a personal challenge, and thus need to be crushed down lest they be seen as weak.
When this happens, what could have been a free lesson and opportunity for improvement instead degenerates into a worthless and costly confrontation. Not only has whatever objective been thrown to the wind, but there’s now enmity between co-workers or family members over something that might have been completely trivial.
Even worse, the individual may eventually take said criticism to heart down the line and realize that it was correct, but be too headstrong and proud to admit it and make a change.
2. They aren’t honest with themselves about their missteps.
A person who’s dishonest with themselves, i.e., who is lying or otherwise denying reality to make themselves feel better, often has a difficult time both seeing and admitting when they’re in the wrong. This is a major problem that often comes from a lack of self-reflection: if someone refuses to gaze into the dingy corners to acknowledge their own poor behavior, then it can never be improved.
Examples of this might include things like a person consistently forgetting to write down the things they need to get at the store, and then blaming others around them for not picking them out when they were running errands. Another example may be someone procrastinating on projects, thus requiring additional time to finish them, and then complaining that their clients are unreasonable and demanding.
We all have flaws and things we struggle with, but blaming them on others serves no one, least of all ourselves.
3. They are unable to recognize others as having their own story.
This happens a lot with young people who don’t yet have the perspective that everyone is muddling through life as best they can. They’re so fixated on the present moment and having their immediate needs met (I want a cookie, I want a potty, me me, mine mine) that it never occurs to them that others don’t exist to tend to their wants on demand.
Some people never grow out of this and end up treating others as either scenery or NPCs in their personal MMORPG (that’s non-player characters in a massively multiplayer online role-playing game, if you’re not a gaming nerd). They honestly don’t consider that other people have thoughts, emotions, or valid experiences — especially if they differ from their own!
These are the types of entitled people who will steal and eat others’ lunches from work without remorse, or ignore friends (or partners) until they want something, but will go ballistic if anyone else treats them the same way.
4. They don’t manage their time well (or don’t utilize strategies to help them with time management struggles).
In most cases, it’s the beginning of the process that shapes how the work will unfold. This is why it’s so important to lay out the entire scope of a project, determine a workflow for it, and then map a work-back schedule in order to get it done efficiently. Chefs use this approach effectively by prepping mise-en-place ingredients for various dishes and timing them so they’re all done at the same time.
That said, it’s crucial to acknowledge that for many people, time management isn’t simply a matter of discipline or trying harder. For example, many neurodivergent folks, such as those with ADHD, experience “time blindness“—a neurological difference where the brain struggles to perceive time passing, estimate duration, or connect present actions to future consequences.
The solution isn’t shame and self-blame, but rather building external supports that work with your brain. For example, using visual timers, multiple calendar reminders, body doubling (working alongside someone else), and breaking projects into tiny micro-steps are all strategies that can help. It’s also important to seek accommodations in professional environments if you can.
Time management doesn’t just affect our personal efforts but causes a ripple effect that affects everyone around us. For example, lateness in delivering a project might anger colleagues or cause a business deal to fall through. Or difficulties with planning may cause rifts with family and friends. Left unchecked, this behavior damages others’ trust in us and earns us the reputation that we can’t be trusted, nor depended upon. It also does huge damage to an individual’s own self-esteem.
5. They struggle to delay gratification.
When I was in my twenties, I shared an apartment with a close friend of mine who always chose immediate gratification over responsibility. For example, he decided one day to spend a few hundred dollars on a guitar, and then couldn’t pay his half of the rent and bills at the end of the month. He had assumed that he’d have earned enough to cover it all, but had unexpected expenses that frittered it away.
The responsible route may be the more boring one, but it’s less likely to get people into difficult, stressful situations. He didn’t need that guitar immediately: he could have set money aside bit by bit for a few months until he had cash to spare and then bought it, but no, his impulsivity got in the way, and then he had to beg and borrow from his friends so we didn’t get evicted.
Again, it’s worth noting that such impulsivity can be hardwired. For example, people with ADHD often struggle with delayed reward processing—their brains don’t respond as strongly to future rewards, making it neurologically harder to simply choose “save for three months” over “buy it now.”
Understanding this can help people to put in additional measures to curb such impulsivity, particularly when it puts them at risk or harms others. For example, it can help to set up automatic transfers to savings, using apps that block impulse purchases for 24-48 hours, asking a trusted friend to be an “accountability buddy” for major purchases, or working with a financial coach who understands neurodivergence. If you have a diagnosis, there may also be medication options you can discuss with your doctor.
Impulsivity can be a positive in many ways. It promotes spontaneity, creativity, and seizing the moment. The goal isn’t to change who you are but rather to create systems that protect both you and the people who depend on you from some of the more problematic aspects of impulsivity.
6. They are oblivious to other people’s life patterns.
Living with other people can be immensely beneficial at times, but the key is to share a living space with those whose lives match one’s own rhythms. When those patterns are synced up, everything is shanti. And when they aren’t, chaos reigns. A perfect example of this is when one person works the night shift and the other doesn’t: they end up having to creep around when at home so they don’t wake up or disturb the other.
Years ago, a friend of mine boasted that he was going to share an amazing apartment with a guy who charged low rent because he was a drummer. Sounds great, right? The caveat was that there would be a lot of noise because he needed to practice regularly. Guess what happened? His drum practices interfered with their sleep and work schedules, and that housing solution didn’t last long. An enormous amount of conflict can be avoided by acknowledging the differences in others’ daily patterns and working with them to create optimal solutions.
7. They fail to prepare for the day before them.
This is similar to point #6; however, that was more about organizing one’s time, whereas this point is more about logistics: what you need in order to get things done well and properly. One of the simplest examples is the fact that you need to ensure that your work clothes are washed and ready for you to wear the following day, and that you’ll need to pack a lunch if your workplace doesn’t provide one for you.
Similarly, if someone is planning a backyard garden project, they need several tools and materials (ranging from shovels and spades to good soil and seeds) in order to carry out that work successfully.
This can often be linked to executive functioning challenges, and there are a lot of legitimate reasons why someone might struggle with this (ADHD, autism, perimenopause, chronic illness, to name but a few). Or it can occur when someone has gotten so used to other people doing their thinking and planning for them, thus rendering them incapable of planning for themselves.
Whatever the reason, these days the internet is awash with both science-based and lived experience hacks from YouTubers, Podcasters, Bloggers, authors, experts, and more to help you compensate for difficulties with executive functioning and minimize the impact it has on your life.
8. They never learning from past mistakes.
Mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth, no matter when or how they occur. An intelligent approach to a past failure or mistake is to reflect on what went wrong and then course correct to ensure that the mistake is never repeated, or at least mitigated. Unfortunately, a lot of people double down on their behaviors and even seek to justify them instead of accepting responsibility, learning from the experience, and changing their behavior.
An easy example would be a young man who needs to get to work on time in the morning, but chooses to stay up all night playing video games. Then, he ends up sleeping through his alarm, shows up to work late, and gets fired for tardiness. He might blame the video game and pack it away for a while, and then be a bit more diligent at the next job, but then repeat this same mistake a few months later. Similar things may occur with people dating toxic individuals and never learning from that experience, or letting awful relatives bait them into arguments.
Yes, we are all heavily influenced by our genetics, past experiences, neurology, and more. But we usually have at least an element of control over our behavior, if we’re prepared to do the hard work of honest self-reflection and taking steps to learn from poor choices we’ve made in the past. Sometimes we might need some professional help on that journey, and there’s no shame in that.
Final thoughts…
Life can be really difficult at times, but many people make it far more difficult for themselves by not putting common sense, responsibility, and compensatory strategies into practice. These actions may be boring at times, but they can make our lives a lot easier in the long run.
Basically, when we learn from our mistakes and do our best to prepare ahead of time, we end up swimming through our difficulties rather than sinking beneath them over and over again.
