Unfortunately, there are some people out there who are entirely allergic to responsibility. They either cannot understand how they could be responsible for their own problems or they genuinely lack perspective. It’s easier to put the blame on someone else because then they don’t have to look in the mirror or do any personal work.
What these people fail to realize is that they are sabotaging all of their relationships. That’s because emotionally healthy people with healthy boundaries don’t tolerate that kind of nonsense for long. After all, it’s destructive. So if you want to avoid falling into this trap, or if you want to avoid those people yourself, look for these behaviors.
1. They are constantly in conflict but can’t see that they are the problem.
You would think it would be obvious to someone that they are the problem if all of their relationships are chaotic or end in disaster, but you would be wrong. As the “teamwork doctor” Liane Davey writes, some people lack any kind of insight into themselves and their own behavior, and it’s more people than you may realize. With people like this, it’s always someone else’s fault. It’s other people who are unreasonable, uncompromising, and difficult. It’s never them.
These people tend to have a revolving door of romantic partners, friends, and associates that is constantly changing. Somehow, they just can’t seem to make things work because everyone else is unreasonable and difficult to get along with.
2. They rewrite events to avoid responsibility.
I briefly had a friend who was like this, whom I will call “Val”. Val could not see how utterly ridiculous it was that any problems that she had with other people were NEVER her fault. And by never, I mean never. In the year or so that I was friends with her, I couldn’t recall her ever once admitting fault for anything that happened, even when there was no other option.
An extreme example is a messy breakup she had because she got mad that her boyfriend went through her phone and discovered that she was cheating. She focused on that invasion of privacy and all the things she felt were wrong with her boyfriend to justify her affair.
Yet, there was no real reason why they couldn’t just break up amicably rather than her cheating. It’s not like he was a bad guy or anything like that. They just weren’t compatible, she wasn’t happy, and decided to step out instead of taking responsibility for her own emotions and ending the relationship.
3. They interpret boundaries as a personal attack.
Boundaries are not an attack. The only people who feel like boundaries are an attack are those who are typically trying to weaponize guilt and take advantage of you. Instead of viewing boundaries as a neutral thing, a guideline on how to treat someone, they instead treat them as disrespect or rejection. That way, they can turn it around and try to paint you as the unreasonable one for not letting them do whatever they want without consequence.
An easy way to identify this behavior is when someone responds to the setting or enforcing of a boundary with anger or defensiveness. You may hear statements like, “I can’t believe you think I would do something like that to you!” Or, when you enforce a boundary, they may instead tell you that you’re being unreasonable for feeling the way that you do.
4. They react defensively to any feedback.
People who can’t accept responsibility are often incredibly insecure. They feel like criticism of what they do is a personal attack on who they are, as opposed to a critical opinion about a choice. A reasonable person can take some criticism, examine it, and decide just how valid it may or may not be. People who avoid responsibility do not have that ability because they are insecure about themselves.
They could take it as a step on the journey of personal growth, but they can’t observe the information in a detached way. Taking onboard constructive criticism and feedback is necessary if you want to grow as a person. They may be the only way that you can fully see your shortcomings.
5. They confuse discomfort with disrespect.
The quality of your life depends on how well you can stomach discomfort. People who blame everyone else are often trying to avoid the discomfort of taking responsibility for themselves. They tend to think that because someone puts them in an uncomfortable position, they are being disrespected. However, sometimes that uncomfortable position is just the other person asserting their boundaries how they need to be.
It isn’t necessarily that there is a problem with the person, but rather the behavior. The only way you can address that is by having the difficult conversations when it’s time to. That means you’re going to be uncomfortable. The good news is that repairing breaches in a relationship actually strengthens the bond. It’s much easier to accept the uncomfortable feelings if you can look at it positively, as a step on the path to growing the relationship.
6. They expect other people to adapt to their emotions.
A person who blames everyone else for their problems and feelings will typically expect you to change to make them comfortable. Instead of looking at themselves and their own behavior, they will be more than happy to tell you all of the ways in which you need to make yourself smaller.
That is not a fair or sustainable solution. Sooner or later, you realize that person is way too much of a pain in the ass to bother with any further. If you have healthy boundaries, it’ll be sooner rather than later. Their emotions and actions are their responsibility, not yours. They have more personal growth to do if they can’t handle such a simple part of social interaction. It’s simple, but it’s not always easy.
7. They only self-reflect when they’re forced to.
It usually takes a lot for this kind of person to actually do some self-reflection. Sometimes they’re capable of it, sometimes they’re not. Sometimes this behavior is rooted in childhood trauma that needs to be unwound before they can truly see themselves. In many cases, things have to get so bad that they just can’t make any more excuses as to why things aren’t working out.
Only then are they able to consider the idea that maybe it is their fault? Maybe they did do something wrong, or need to make better decisions? Unfortunately, it usually takes quite a while for someone to reach that point. They usually have to blow up their life or lose someone they deeply care about before they finally get that glimmer of insight that, “Hey. Maybe I’m the problem?”
A final word…
Insecurity and trauma often drive a person’s inability to take responsibility for their own behavior. They don’t realize how much they’re hurting themselves by it. If they were more aware, they wouldn’t be so concerned with avoiding responsibility because accepting responsibility for your own actions is not only good for your soul, but it also strengthens relationships.
There are so many opportunities for growth and intimacy if you’re willing to say, “Oh, I screwed up. I’m sorry. How can I fix it?” And if the other person doesn’t respect that or tries to take advantage of it? Well, then you know that it says more about them than it does you. Maybe that other person isn’t the most emotionally healthy person to begin with.
