Most of us have heard of invisible disabilities thanks to increasing public awareness. What isn’t addressed as often, however, is the concept of invisible burdens. These are unpaid, everyday responsibilities that many people don’t even think about, but are taken care of without recognition. And they take their toll.
If you’ve been carrying many (or most) of the invisible burdens listed below, the exhaustion you’re likely feeling isn’t due to weakness — you’re just carrying too much.
1. Invisible domestic labor that adds up bit by bit.
If you think of a piece of paper, you know it doesn’t weigh very much at all. In contrast, a ream of paper weighs about five and a half pounds. Now, imagine that every domestic task weighs the same as one piece of paper. Individually, they aren’t that big a deal at all, but they add up to become a rather intense weight for one person to carry.
Think about all the tasks and responsibilities you carry on a daily basis, from making sure there’s soap and toilet paper in the bathrooms to keeping track of bills, health appointments, shopping, laundry, etc. That’s in addition to your own professional workload, relationship maintenance, parenting, and house chores. All that added together is a heavy load, which is invisible to anyone observing you. If you’re the one carrying it all, it’s no wonder you’re feeling the strain.
2. Being constantly available when others need or want your energy and attention.
You might have just had the most harrowing day at work imaginable, and as soon as you walk through the door, your teenager needs counselling, your partner needs to vent, and your parent calls with healthcare concerns. Once you’ve finally settled into bed with a book for a few minutes of downtime, your toddler comes in and insists on sleeping with you (aka thrashing around and kicking you) all night.
This likely happens at work as well: no matter what you’re doing, you’re expected to drop everything whenever someone “just wants” to ask you a question, or “just needs” your help with something. Your time is everyone else’s to demand and spend at will, but never your own.
3. Perpetual task-switching and “multitasking.”
Many of us have been inundated with the idea that being able to “multitask” means that we’re effective workers. In reality, neuroscience research reveals that task-switching causes immense mental fatigue, makes us more prone to making mistakes, and can leave us with headaches and memory problems.
It’s important to be able to immerse fully in one thing at a time, rather than being expected to juggle a dozen items all at once. If you’re having difficulty doing so, you aren’t weak, lazy, or unskilled: you’re just overwhelmed and being asked to shoulder a heavier load than you’re capable of carrying on your own.
4. Hypervigilance, including about unspoken social rules and expectations.
Hypervigilance isn’t just a trauma response in which people remain acutely aware of potential threats around them. It can also refer to having to remain tuned in to everything going on around you at all times. For example, you may be keeping an ear out for your kid potentially getting into something while you’re simultaneously trying to keep dinner from burning.
This type of hyper-awareness can also include trying to discern social cues, rules, and expectations, especially when they haven’t been clearly expressed. For example, you may perpetually watch those around you for clues as to how to behave when a superior walks into the room, whether to eat at a dinner party before everyone has been served, if a report has to be put in a binder rather than stapled, and so on.
This is a particularly common experience for autistic folk who often don’t pick up these social cues as instinctively as neurotypical people do, and who often become hypervigilant about not wanting to make social “faux pas” because of previous negative experiences.
5. Carrying the weight of past injuries and traumas.
Although you may have healed exponentially from past injuries or personal traumas, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t physical or psychological scar tissue to contend with. Depending on what you experienced, your daily life may be significantly affected or impeded, and most people around you have no idea.
Countless injuries and traumas leave lasting damage, which can be incredibly difficult for a person to deal with on a daily basis. For example, you may be worn down from negotiating workplace responsibilities while dealing with chronic pain or chronic illness. Or you may have to deal with constant anxiety attacks because you’re triggered by stimuli that you can’t avoid. All of these contributing factors can make basic existence far more excruciating than anyone will ever realize.
6. Regulating other people’s emotions for them.
If you live or work with people who are emotionally dysregulated, you’re essentially a therapist who’s constantly on call to help them deal with and work through their emotions. For example, if you have a partner who’s not great at identifying and dealing with their own feelings, they may unload their frustration and anger when talking to you, expecting you to reflect it back and work through it with them, even though none of it actually comes from you.
And if you don’t perform this task, they’ll be upset with you for not being there for them. But if you do keep performing it, you end up burnt out and overburdened by their emotional load, which they’re essentially forcing you to carry. Furthermore, if you express frustration of your own at this imbalance, you may be accused of complaining and being a “downer.”
7. Being the perpetual planner.
Your kid comes to you, wide-eyed and panicky, at 10 p.m. the night before the big school bake sale and asks if they’re bringing anything tomorrow. Of course they are, because you baked and decorated cupcakes earlier that day. You get into the car to go to your in-laws’ anniversary dinner, and your partner asks if the two of you are bringing a gift. The answer is “of course”, because you bought one months ago (with an accompanying card, signed by the two of you), and it’s wrapped up beautifully in the trunk.
If things like this sound familiar, you’re carrying the invisible burden of not only keeping track of everything that needs to be planned, at any given time, but also putting those plans into action. If you didn’t, nobody would get birthday presents, everyone would miss parties and other fun events, and the fridge would be empty. Nobody else would step up and do it all the way you do.
8. Having to make all the decisions.
This often happens to people who are in positions of authority at work and also have to be the primary decision makers at home. It’s exhausting to have to be the perpetual decision-maker, whether it’s about the type of pens to order for next quarter or what to make for dinner every single night. Forever.
If you’ve gotten to the point where you’re choosing “whatever” rather than the most economical option for your office budget, or ordering food that’ll make as many family members happy as possible rather than meal-planning and cooking, that’s completely okay. You’re likely at the end of your rope, and nobody is noticing.
9. Masking neurodivergence.
This is one of the heaviest invisible burdens, and can lead to serious health issues. Burnout and nervous breakdowns aside, the intense, long-term stress caused by constant masking of neurodivergence, such as autism, ADHD, or both (AuDHD), can lead to serious physical health issues. Research shows that chronic stress can contribute to chronic pain and illness, cause cortisol dysfunction, increase the risk of heart attacks and strokes, and more.
Neurotypical people don’t realize just how much effort goes into masking — aka trying to appear “normal” — on a daily basis. What’s more, because masking starts from a very young age and is often unconscious, it prevents many people from even realizing they may be neurodivergent until the damage is already done. This is a common experience for neurodivergent women and girls and for those who don’t present in the “stereotypical” way.
Those of us who are neurodivergent are essentially forced by society to govern every single moment of our lives, from ensuring that we blink and smile just the right amount during conversations, to coping with extreme overwhelm from sensory input that other people don’t even register, e.g., flickering overhead lights, the constant hum or whine of office equipment, and so on.
Masking is like being expected to perform properly onstage, all the time, while simultaneously ignoring the sensation of having insects crawling over you, and not being allowed to acknowledge that discomfort.
Final thoughts…
If you’ve been carrying a heavy backpack while hiking up a mountain, you know that you’ll be able to experience great relief once you arrive at your destination and can put that load down.
Unfortunately, the invisible burdens mentioned here are almost eternal: they will only be alleviated if you end up unable to carry them any longer due to advanced age, illness, or injury. If you can, try to delegate at least some of them to others before they drag you down and dim your light any further, as they’re too much for you to carry on your own.
