Some people take compliments with great grace and joy, beaming smiles at those who tell them that they look fabulous or have done exceptional work. In contrast, others have no idea how to handle compliments and get incredibly uncomfortable when they receive them.
More often than not, this discomfort with praise stems from deep-seated issues related to self-worth. Let’s take a look at some of the most common ones so you can better understand why you feel so awkward or uneasy when someone says something kind to you.
1. Being accustomed to backhanded compliments or “crap sandwiches.”
Many of us grew up in environments where any kind word was inevitably followed by something awful. If we were very lucky, that awful thing might have been softened by another bit of semi-kindness afterwards, but in the same way that we learned that burgers almost always came with a side of fries, a kind compliment always came with an insult.
Alternatively, the primary compliments we received might have been backhanded ones that were thinly veiled insults disguised as something kind. If you were subjected to this kind of treatment when you were growing up, you likely assume that any compliment aimed towards you is insincere, or is actually meant to be cutting rather than kind. Someone could tell you that you look nice, and your immediate response would be to ask, “What do you mean by that?”, because you can’t trust what’s said on a surface level.
2. “Ugly duckling” syndrome.
Others may have mocked you in the past because of physical attributes that they (and you) disliked, a perceived lack of talent, or any attribute that differed from the “norm.” People — especially young ones — can be immensely cruel to those who are different from themselves in some way, or who have traits they don’t understand.
Over the years, however, you might have had a massive “glow up” and become a version of yourself that you’re actually truly happy with.
Although you’re a radiant swan now, part of you still feels like the “ugly duckling” that was put down and made fun of in the past. As such, when and if someone compliments you on your appearance, capability, etc., you have a hard time believing that they’re actually sincere if they compliment you. It’s taken me years to get my partner to believe that I mean what I say when I admire something about her or something she’s done. Mocking and cruelty are not something a person gets over easily.
3. Previous betrayal.
It’s often hard to receive compliments when you have been manipulated by shady characters in the past. For example, if people have complimented you to get you to lower your guard, then betrayed your trust, stole from you, or otherwise hurt you, you’ll be wary of anyone whose behaviour mirrors those actions — even if that’s not the intention behind them.
The person offering the kind word may simply want to acknowledge your achievement or show you a kindness, but your guard instantly goes up. Others’ poor behavior has left you perpetually on guard in case you suffer an unexpected blow. To put it simply, compliments end up feeling like exploratory jabs just before you end up hit with a left hook.
4. Paralysis at positive attention.
Some people get so used to people being either flat or mildly abrasive with them that when someone offers something nice, they literally have no idea what to do with it. They don’t know how to respond, and sort of “freeze up” while they try to compute what to say or do in response.
Since they don’t intuitively know how to respond, they may behave awkwardly or uncomfortably, such as muttering a small “thank you” under their breath. Alternatively, they may act out of place for the situation, such as bursting out laughing (or crying) because this unfamiliar emotion has to manifest somehow.
5. Bracing due to past unwanted attention or even abusive behavior.
It’s possible that you’ve drawn far more attention than you’d have liked over the years and ended up feeling much like prey. As a result, any time someone pays you a compliment, you bristle because you’re certain that it’ll escalate into unwanted flirtation, propositions, and so on. Since you don’t want this at all, you may interpret any compliment you’re given as being sexually charged, even if that wasn’t the person’s intention.
Furthermore, you may go so far as to grey yourself out and make yourself as bland-looking as possible when you need to venture outside, to avoid drawing too much attention to yourself. This behavior is common to those who have experienced abuse. If you fall into this category, please be gentle with yourself: it’s not easy to let your guard down and accept kindness when very real threats have loomed around every corner for you.
6. Imposter syndrome.
Some people may not believe that they deserve the compliment, even if it’s well-earned. This is usually due to imposter syndrome: the belief that they aren’t actually as good as others think they are, that they somehow got into their role by accident, and that one of these days people are going to realize what a mistake they’ve made.
As such, any time they receive a compliment from someone, they’re quick to negate it with self-deprecating jokes or by sharing something terrible about themselves. This way, if they end up getting hurt by being discarded in any way, they’ll have done it themselves before someone else can damage them.
7. Self-loathing.
People who can’t stand various aspects of themselves often refuse to accept the idea that a compliment could be real. This may relate to their personal appearance, in which they hate how they look and therefore can’t believe that anyone else feels differently, or if they feel that they’re being mocked.
The latter usually happens if they feel self-contempt for doing sub-par work, only for it to be complimented. They may even end up losing respect for whoever has complimented what they’ve done: essentially, if that other person can’t see that they’ve created something useless, then they can’t possibly take them seriously.
8. Not wanting to be perceived.
Someone who has spent a lot of time trying to avoid being noticed may feel intensely awkward or uncomfortable when they aren’t just perceived, but complimented. This is because this experience can make them feel exposed and vulnerable.
As a result, if they receive a compliment from someone, they’re likely to murmur something unintelligible and go scurrying for cover to run away from the discomfort the compliment has caused. They may also retreat into seclusion for a while until they feel that they can venture forth invisibly once again.
Final thoughts…
It’s difficult to acknowledge that you have value and worth in other people’s eyes if you’ve been raised to think differently. Our formative years have an enormous impact on our self-worth in adulthood, and if you’ve spent decades feeling worthless, that mindset isn’t going to be overwritten easily.
Positive affirmations, therapy, and small celebrations are likely to help, as is asking your closest friends and family members to tell you what they honestly admire and respect about you. When people you trust completely tell you why you’re special to them, you can begin to believe them.
