Most of the people you’ll meet will dislike at least some aspect of themselves for various reasons. Each of us has our insecurities, but many of us have learned to accept our quirks and unique traits, and even celebrate them.
In contrast, many others are filled with self-loathing due to various factors, ranging from the cruelty of others to their own self-scrutiny. Even if these people seem confident on the surface, the common behaviors listed here are signs that intense self-loathing hides just beneath their carefully maintained exterior.
1. Revealing something negative any time someone compliments them.
If someone tells them that they have a nice smile, they might respond by admitting that their back left molar is completely grey in order to neutralize the compliment. Similarly, if they’re told that they have a great personality, they may trauma dump about horrible things that happened in their past that required them to cultivate a dark sense of humor, which others seem to admire.
These behaviors tell us that this person experienced a lot of ugliness in their past, and amalgamated a lot of what they were insulted about into their own personal narrative. They can’t take a compliment gracefully because they’ll never believe anything good about themselves. They’re so braced for cruelty that if it doesn’t come from others, they have to inflict it upon themselves to be comfortable with the situation.
2. Self-restriction or punishment.
This is common with people who struggled with weight issues in the past, and who still have disordered eating even though they’re healthy now. According to Psychology Today, strict dieting is a major contributor to most eating disorders. A person might refuse to eat certain foods that may be considered “unhealthy”, choosing something nutrient-dense over anything with empty or indulgent calories, and may punish themselves by eating nothing but kale for days if they’re “bad” and eat a cookie. This behavior has become normalized over time, with “clean eating” (and even orthorexia) being held as an admirable behavior in others, so most might not clue into the self-loathing it’s stemming from.
Both my partner and I have experienced eating disorders in the past, and know firsthand how difficult it can be to let go of the self-criticism associated with them, especially when the impetus behind said loathing came from those closest to us. It’s their voices that echo in people’s memories long after real change has taken place, and dysmorphia continues to warp one’s sense of self even when there’s nothing left to criticize.
3. Social avoidance under the guise of preferring to be alone.
You probably know a few people who don’t seem to have many friends. While many of these people genuinely prefer it that way due to introversion, neurodivergence (such as autism), or other reasons, others will use these things as an excuse. They may insist that they prefer to spend time alone when really it’s just a cover story for the fact that they really dislike themselves.
Many of these people struggle with intense self-loathing and push others away rather than risk the pain of potential exclusion. Some might feel like they don’t deserve friends/partners for various reasons, while others are terrified that they’ll be rejected if they try to cultivate relationships with others.
As a result, they decide that it’s their choice to avoid social interaction. They might hold to the narrative that others are too simple to understand their complexity, or that they don’t have the patience for other people’s quirks, but it’s very much a question of striking first before another can get a blow in.
4. Choosing clothes that they insist are comfortable, but that are actually chosen to hide their bodies.
Many of us know people who dress in a slovenly manner because they insist that they’re more comfortable that way. Some might wear multiple layers of XXXL shirts and hoodies even though they have smaller frames, or they’ll wear heavy, long clothing items that leave them drenched with sweat, even at the height of summer.
While, of course, some people do feel genuinely comfortable dressed like this (and that’s perfectly fine), this behavior can also be a hallmark of a person who feels intense self-hatred about their body.
They might think that they’re too thin, too fat, too scarred, too hairy, or any other “unappealing” trait that tends to get mocked to high hell on Reddit forums. But there’s nothing wrong with them at all: they’ve just been programmed to believe that there is, and behave accordingly.
5. Slouching that seems out of place with the rest of their demeanor.
According to Psych Central, people who slouch instead of carrying themselves with straight posture usually feel quite terrible about themselves. Some might have experienced cruelty in the past, and thus attempt to appear as small as possible in order to avoid negative attention. Others might dislike aspects of their physical forms and thus try to hide them by folding themselves into origami in the corner.
Of course, body language can be (and often is) misinterpreted. Slouching has become an incredibly commonplace behavior nowadays, and in many places it’s the norm rather than the exception. In fact, a lot of people will make fun of others for looking like they have sticks up their backsides if they have a straight, strong posture rather than the default contemporary slump.
The key with all body language is to recognize it in context. For example, a person who dresses well and seems fairly confident, but who slouches in any social group, is likely filled with self-loathing and hatred.
6. Sabotaging their own happiness.
A surprising number of people end up getting in their own way when it comes to happiness and success, even when they don’t intend to do so. In fact, Psychology Today tells us that these self-sabotaging behaviors are usually a subconscious response that comes from having low self-esteem, an inability to be vulnerable with (or to trust) others, and a fear of both success and potential failure.
Some feel like they don’t deserve to feel joy, so any time they do, they have to do something to counteract it. Others might not know how to process positive emotions, or are so afraid of anything good being taken from them that they throw something negative into the mix to maintain the status quo.
Downplaying joy or success might seem like a normal behavior; after all, countless people downplay things that are important to them on a regular basis. They’ll act like it’s no big deal, or take on a difficult endeavor to “keep them humble”, and few people would question that behavior. Meanwhile, these actions often stem from a place of low self-worth, anger, hurt, and fear.
7. Calling themselves stupid, clumsy, and so on.
We all drop the ball sometimes and might mock ourselves for forgetting someone’s name or knocking over our coffee cup, but this is different from someone who’s perpetually putting themselves down. A lot of people have normalized self-deprecation — or have even elevated it to an art form — and will make constant jokes about how stupid, clumsy, or broken they are.
Some might do this because they’ve gotten so used to being insulted by others. They think it’s easier to demean themselves before others have a chance to do so, because that lessens the sting when they do. Others have taken on the role of the community clown in order to bond with those who would otherwise be unkind to them. Beneath the jovial, self-mocking exterior is usually a lot of pain and self-loathing, even if they’d never admit it.
Final thoughts…
Much like any other learned behavior, the ones listed here are undoubtedly due to past negative experiences and deep-seated pain. As such, when you come across a person who exhibits them, it never hurts to send a bit of extra kindness their way.
If they put themselves down, remind them how awesome they are. Let them know that you admire and respect them, and that you’re happy that they’re around. Over time, with these subtle, sincere course corrections, they might learn to hate themselves a bit less and believe that others think they’re actually pretty okay.
