A person who has self-worth is usually one who has had significant support, respect, and encouragement from those around them for a long period of time. Self-worth, however, can be eroded by others’ horrible behavior towards you, regardless of how strong it was to begin with. Like Hadrian’s Wall or the Great Pyramid, constant erosion will wear it down over time until it’s nothing but dust.
The behaviors listed below are some of the key ones that will grind your self-worth down to a fine powder if they’re tolerated long-term.
1. People “farming” your goodwill.
Over the years, you’ve undoubtedly come across people who are givers and those who are takers. The former tend to give generously of their time and resources, and if they ever need to lean on those around them, they will reimburse or return the favor enthusiastically as soon as they can. In contrast, the latter are those who’ll ask tearfully to crash on your couch for “just a few days”, and end up squatting there, eating all your food, and wearing your clothes until you get legal help to evict them.
If you’re a naturally empathetic, giving person, you likely leap at the chance to help others whenever you can. You’re the first to offer a shoulder to cry on or a meal if they’re hungry. Unfortunately, takers will simply farm your goodwill and use you for their own benefit until there’s little left of you. You’ll end up in a state of constant output with no gratitude and the feeling that you only exist to be used by those who claim to care about you.
2. Never reciprocating your efforts towards them.
One of the saddest things I came across over the holidays was an online thread of people whose families “forgot” to get them any gifts. These people went above and beyond for their loved ones — wrapping presents, stuffing stockings, and baking for weeks — only to have no gifts from any of them. Oh no, wait: one woman had a pack of dental floss picks tossed into her stocking by one of her children, since her husband “forgot” for the 11th year in a row.
If you’re the one who’s always putting in the effort and never receiving anything in turn, be it at home or at the office, your sense of self-worth will be ground down bit by bit until there’s nothing left. It’s difficult not to feel completely worthless when those closest to you can’t see fit to put the barest amount of effort towards you. Remember: you teach people how to treat you, so repeatedly tolerating this behavior shows them that you’re ok with it.
3. An unfair workload.
Is the workload that you carry equal (or equitable) to that of those around you? Or do you find yourself shouldering far more than your fair share? If it’s the latter, you’re likely feeling exhausted and resentful towards those who have it so much easier than you do — especially if it isn’t for any fair reason. For example, if you have extra work dumped on you simply due to your age, gender, cultural background, or because you’re the newest employee, that’s unjust and completely unfair.
Being treated like a beast of burden so those around you can have an easier lifestyle is going to wear you down on every level. Not only are you likely to burn out from the sheer amount of work you’re being forced to carry, but you’ll also feel like that’s the only reason you exist: to slave away for other people’s benefit until you collapse and are replaced without a second thought.
4. Others making personal decisions about you without consulting you.
Children don’t have much of a say when plans are being made because they can’t understand the full scope of a situation. As such, plans are made for them, and they’re included only in small ways that they can handle easily, while still making them feel like they’ve contributed. If they’re lucky. More often than not, they’re simply ordered or carried around and expected to appreciate the experience.
Treating an adult in this same manner is reprehensible. If your partner, family, and/or friends keep making decisions that involve or affect you personally, but don’t have the courtesy to involve you in the decision-making process, that tells you that they have zero respect for you and see you as little more than a tall toddler. They might try and do it under the guise of loving care, but assuming you don’t medically lack the capacity to make sound decisions, it’s not care, it’s control. Who can have or maintain any self-worth when they’re treated that way?
5. Food/money/valuables taken without your consent.
Another deeply wearing behaviour is when those who live in close proximity take that which isn’t theirs on a near constant basis. They may take items and offer assurances that they’ll be returned, or simply take whatever they want and laugh off your distress by telling you that you’re overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing.
This often happens in narcissistic or dysfunctional families, in which the “golden child” will steal something from the scapegoat and laugh it off because they’re not using it/don’t need it/don’t deserve it, etc. Then, when that scapegoat tries to assert boundaries and take it back, the narcissistic parent will punish them for doing so. Hell, it might even be the narcissist parent who steals the item because they feel that it should be theirs instead!
Few things can wear down a person’s self-worth quite as much as repeatedly feeling powerless because nobody respects their boundaries.
6. Being repeatedly condescended to.
It’s well-nigh impossible to keep your spirits high and sense of self-worth intact when others are constantly grinding you down and belittling you. Whether it’s out of nobility or a sense of material self-preservation (house, job, etc), regularly taking the barbs and insults of others will erode your sense of self-worth very rapidly.
Some people are condescending towards those they think are inferior to themselves, or those they perceive as being less-than-capable. This behavior is often directed towards people who are neurodivergent, who live with chronic illnesses or disability, are over the age of 50, or have suffered a severe illness. Others often consider people who fall into these categories as lesser beings and treat them accordingly, lessening their self-worth with every head-tilted sing-song word thrown in their direction.
7. Treating you like you aren’t even there.
It’s extremely wearing and disheartening when others talk about you as though you’re a piece of furniture in another room, even though you’re right in front of them. If you speak, whether to change the subject or to offer your own thoughts on the topic (especially if it concerns you), they won’t even acknowledge you with a glance.
What’s even more devastating is when the things you’re saying are for their benefit, and they choose to ignore you completely. Later, when you turn out to be right and remind them that they wouldn’t have suffered their current predicament if they’d listened to you in the first place, they have miraculous amnesia. They may even try to gaslight you into believing that you never said anything at all.
8. Blaming you unfairly.
A person’s sense of self-worth can all but disappear if they’re the perpetual scapegoat for everything that’s gone wrong. Somehow, even if you weren’t even present when the issue occurred, it’s somehow your fault. Either you should have warned them ahead of time, or something you said or did caused it to happen.
The utter unfairness of situations like these won’t just break your spirit over time: you may end up feeling that, on some level, you deserve to bear the brunt of everyone’s ire. If the people closest to you, who should love and protect you, treat you in such a shameful and degrading manner, you may end up feeling like you deserve such mistreatment simply for existing. If you were once inclined to stand up for yourself and argue, you may not even bother now because you feel like nothing you say or do will change a damned thing anyway.
Final thoughts…
Standing up to those closest to you so they’ll stop mistreating you can be daunting, but it is completely necessary if you want to preserve even the smallest fragment of your self-worth. It’s not just okay to create boundaries (and consequences for breaking them), or to distance yourself from those who continually mistreat you — it’s vital for your own wellbeing.
In case nobody has ever told you this before, know this: you have permission to choose yourself and prioritize your own joy. Stop tolerating these behaviors, break free, and live life on your own terms. Starting right now.
