A person with poor boundaries who isn’t used to standing up for themselves will struggle when it’s time to learn how to set boundaries. Boundaries inform other people how to treat you, and they encourage intimacy because they tell others how to be present around your sensitivities.
Learning to stand up for yourself is a journey where you’ll face uncomfortable feelings, shed people who were using you, and no longer feel comfortable in the wrong situations. To get through that, you’ll need to work on your assertiveness with yourself. Let’s look at some ways that you can do that.
1. Clarify your boundaries early.
Other people can’t respect your boundaries if they don’t know what they are. Therefore, you need to express any boundaries you have early on, and make sure you speak up when someone brushes up against them or violates them. Boundaries are not for pushing, and some people need to be reminded of that fact.
It’s not going to make you a popular person, and if you’re just now starting to build more boundaries, you will find that people who were taking advantage of you may get angry or try to push. Psychology Today informs us that anger is a very common reaction. If they do, that’s a clear sign that you need to strongly enforce those boundaries, and possibly reevaluate their place in your life. You may find you need to cut people off.
2. Speak up in the moment.
People who struggle with confrontation often feel overwhelmed in the moment. However, it’s vital that you speak up for yourself in the moment, rather than waiting until later. If you don’t do it in the moment, that communicates that your boundary is weak and is subject to being pushed. Trying to approach someone who isn’t respecting your boundary later won’t get you good results.
When you’re confronted, take a moment to think before responding so you can identify where your boundary should be, then respond. Yes, you may feel a little bit awkward while standing there and thinking about it, but do take the time. That way, you don’t just give in to the reflexive habit of simply accepting what other people say.
3. Practice out loud in private.
In my case, I thought back to the times in my life where I felt pushed, disrespected, or someone tried to take advantage of me. I thought about how I responded then, the feelings I had, and then I looked for a different way to handle them. Then, when I find myself in those situations today, I already know what I’m going to say and how I’m going to stand up for myself.
A big one for me was work. I had poor boundaries with work because many managers are more than happy to engage in unethical behavior if it’ll get them their bonuses for productivity and payroll. I would say yes to everything, because I was operating under the mistaken belief that hard work would be rewarded. It very rarely was. In fact, most of the time, the only reward was more work and management bothering me when I wasn’t operating at my full capacity. It’s a fool’s game. As the University of Kentucky shares, workplace boundaries are so important for career success.
Practice asserting yourself by saying it out loud and into a mirror. Pay attention to your body language while you do.
4. Set boundaries with yourself.
You will struggle with setting boundaries with others if you have a hard time setting boundaries with yourself. The greatest act of self-love you can give is to set boundaries on unhealthy behavior that makes your life harder. For example, that could be maintaining healthy habits, limiting phone screen time so you’re not doom-scrolling constantly, or getting to bed at a reasonable hour.
Boundaries will help you build love for yourself. You are valuable and worthwhile regardless of what you do for other people. You shouldn’t have to earn their approval to feel good about yourself and love yourself. Cultivate that within by limiting the harm you do to yourself, and strive to keep those promises to yourself.
5. Say “no” without overexplaining.
“No” is a powerful word that can heal and protect you, though it will always cause some challenges for you. If you’re someone who’s been agreeable for a long time, you’re going to have people around you who do not value you as a person. Instead, they value your weak boundaries because they can manipulate or coerce you into doing things for them. When you start telling these people “no”, they are going to look for ways to coerce a “yes”.
The most common way they do that is to identify why you’re saying “no”, then try to poke holes in your reasoning. In relationships, sometimes there does need to be some explaining. Communication is necessary for everyone to understand their boundaries. However, if all they do is take your reasons and start finding fault with them, shut it down. Just say “no” and don’t offer reasons other than, “Because I said I don’t want to.”
6. Use “I” statements instead of apologizing.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.” “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to do that.” Do these sentences sound familiar? It seems polite, right? Well, it may not be sending the message that you think it is. On the one hand, there will be people who are trying to figure out your boundaries so they can respect them. On the other hand, malicious people are going to be looking for weaknesses so they can push your boundaries. That’s what “I’m sorry…” says in that context. It says, “I feel bad about not doing what you want me to do, keep pushing to get me to comply.”
That’s exactly what you don’t want. Instead, use “I” statements. “I don’t want to do that.” “I’m not available.” “I don’t feel comfortable with that.” Do not preface these kinds of statements with “I’m sorry.” Do not apologize for setting and enforcing boundaries.
7. Do small, uncomfortable things to challenge yourself.
There will be a great deal of discomfort when you first start setting boundaries. It may feel foreign to you since it’s not something you’re used to doing. You can increase your tolerance for discomfort by doing uncomfortable things in a more controlled fashion. This is actually a piece of advice from the philosophy of Stoicism that I like to use. You make yourself uncomfortable now to lessen the effects of discomfort later.
I do things like eat plain food and only drink water for a couple of days at a time. You could sleep on the floor, once in a while (assuming you don’t have a physical condition or similar that would preclude it). Taking a cold shower is another common piece of advice. And the way that you use these things to improve is by confronting the feelings that arise while doing it.
For example, let’s say I’ve eaten rice and vegetables for three days for my meals, and I’m already tired of it. I start getting angry, frustrated, and thinking about how easy it would be to eat something else. But I don’t. Instead, what I do is allow myself to feel the discomfort, remind myself that this suffering is temporary. I do some box breathing exercises to calm down, and then I finish my meal.
After a while of doing that, I find that the discomfort is much less. I feel like it’s fine, because I’m grateful to have food to eat, even if it’s not what I want, or if I’m tired of it.
8. Don’t dwell in guilt.
As you establish boundaries, you’re going to feel guilt. You’re going to feel bad as you start seeing how other people think of you. It’s going to be painful when some people drift away because you’re no longer openly vulnerable to them. Just know that it’s okay. That’s an entirely normal part of the process.
You’ll have to deal with some anger, disappointment, and guilt. Do not sit around and dwell on it. You will make your mental struggle all that much harder. Instead, take a little time to feel how you feel, and if it persists, then try doing something healthy to take your mind off it. Spend some time with people who value you, get some exercise, read a book, just do something else for a while.
Final thoughts…
Building assertiveness and confidence is a process that will take some time. Not only is it challenging to learn how to properly express your boundaries and enforce them with other people, but you also need to be able to manage the emotions that you’ll feel while you do. Those negative feelings are what set people back the most because so many of us make our decisions based on how we feel.
The good news is that it can be changed with focused, continued effort. It’s like exercising. You can’t just do it once and get all the benefits. Instead, you have to keep doing it over and over, and it gets easier as you do. You also create space for new, positive people in your life because you’re not spending time on people who don’t appreciate you.
