It’s interesting how we’ll tolerate behavior from family members that would be absolutely not okay coming from anyone else, from critical comments to lingering hugs. While many people learn to establish boundaries with relatives who are being inappropriate, they’ll still put up with things from their adult children that they would never accept from anybody else.
If friends, acquaintances, or even strangers did any of the following things, most people would be incandescent with rage. So why do grown offspring seem to think that it’s okay to do them?
1. Requests to lend them money without any repayment plan.
Most of us grew up asking our parents for money to buy snacks or little toys and such, especially when we were quite small. Once we hit our teens and started earning our own money through part-time jobs, additional chores, and so on, we asked for a lot less. That said, if we wanted something beyond our budget, such as some expensive clothes or electronics, we asked our parents to fund the purchase and then paid them back over time, in installments we could afford.
Many adult children, however, seem to have forgotten the latter part of that arrangement and will ask their parents to fund their purchases or endeavors without any kind of solid repayment plan. They still see their elders as walking wallets, rather than prioritizing their parents’ comfort and financial stability in their later years. Sadly, a lot of them seem to think that since they’ll be inheriting from their parents eventually, they’re somehow entitled to early payments on demand.
2. Using their home as a pantry.
When I was in college, a lot of my friends’ parents encouraged them to help themselves from the pantry and cupboard every time they came home from a visit. We were all in our late teens and early twenties at the time, scraping by on spare change we found between couch cushions and eating a lot of rice and beans. As such, those pantry shopping opportunities got us through those early years until we all had regular jobs and could support ourselves.
Some people never grow out of that, however, and will keep “shopping” from mom and dad’s pantry and fridge well into their forties, fifties, and beyond. They want to be treated respectfully by their parents as the adults they are, but don’t show respect in turn by asking permission before taking anything.
3. Moving in and living rent-free (or without contributing in other ways).
Just about everyone is struggling with the rising cost of living, and more people are moving back in with their parents than ever before. Multi-generational households are common worldwide, but the difference between them is how each individual contributes to that household.
Many adult children who move back home seem to have the expectation that they can live there rent-free; that they’ll simply pick up where they left off in childhood and have their parents cook for them, do their laundry, and essentially keep parenting them forever. They won’t even do their fair share of the domestic labor.
Can you imagine anyone letting a stranger live with them, without contributing to the home in any way? Probably not, so why would they tolerate it from their adult child?
4. Borrowing items without asking and not returning or replacing them.
In the same way that some adult children will treat their parents’ kitchen as a pantry, they’ll also see all their parents’ belongings as some type of lending library. They grew up being able to touch, use, and borrow just about anything from their parents’ home, and don’t understand how that dynamic changes once they move out.
As such, they’ll borrow items like books, tools, and even clothing without asking, and won’t return them unless prompted to. Of course, many parents are happy to lend their children items, but to just take without checking first shows a huge sense of entitlement and a lack of respect. Furthermore, if these individuals lose one of the items they absconded with, they likely won’t bother replacing it: they’ll just shrug it off with a bland apology and move on.
5. Using their parent as an emotional punching bag.
In general, parents were their children’s first “safe space” to turn to when they were upset or hurting. When kids are small, they run to their parents to tell them all their problems so they can receive love and comfort. They also knew that they could yell and lash out and be forgiven for doing so because their brains were literally too underdeveloped to know better.
But unfortunately, some grown children never learn to regulate their emotions and believe that it’s still okay to lash out at their parents in adulthood as well. They’ll use their parents as free therapists, monopolizing their time to gripe about all their woes, and may stoop to blaming them for all of their own problems if and when things aren’t going well in their own lives.
6. Free labor.
There aren’t many of us who would be okay with friends or random community members asking for babysitting services or domestic labor at the drop of a hat, let alone to expect it to be done without fair compensation. Of course, when it comes to family relationships, “fair compensation” doesn’t necessarily mean monetary payment. It’s often just about reciprocal care and support.
Unfortunately, many adult children use their aging parents in this way without recognizing how completely inappropriate and unethical it is to do so. They will take their parents’ time, energy, and expertise, without offering much time, care, or appreciation in return.
It’s one thing if the parents offer to help, but when adult children keep asking them to come over to help clean, work on the garden, take care of the kids, ferry them around like a taxi service, and so on, they’re essentially using them as domestic help — unpaid, at that.
7. Showing up for gatherings but not offering any assistance.
Young kids get bundled up and taken around to family gatherings for holidays and other special occasions, without any expectation to contribute to them. Once they get older, however, it’s considered good form for them to at least ask if they can help wash dishes or clear away wrapping paper after the festivities have wound down.
If acquaintances showed up at a holiday get-together and just gorged themselves on the food, packing some to take with them, not bringing anything to share (nor helping to clean up afterwards), they would likely never be allowed back. Meanwhile, many adult children behave in exactly this manner with their aging parents. They don’t contribute with either money or prepared food, don’t help with serving or cleanup, and then leave without a thank you. In what universe is this behavior acceptable?
8. Broken promises.
Countless people tell their therapists how devastated they feel when their parents break promises to them, without considering how their parents feel when they break their word in turn. It’s almost like a double standard in which the elders are expected to maintain integrity no matter what, but the kids get a free pass, no matter how old they are.
When asked, many people will simply say that their parents will understand if they break their word, and it’s no big deal. That was always the dynamic when they were growing up, so why would it change now that they’re adults?
9. Lack of reciprocation.
Those who see their parents as permanent providers often fail to reciprocate when it comes to generosity and care. They never get past the idea that although their parents were required to provide them with what they needed to thrive in childhood, they aren’t required to keep providing without reciprocation until their final days.
This demanding, one-sided behavior isn’t limited to the financial bailouts or physical labor that we’ve already mentioned, either: it can also be the expectation that their parents will immediately drop whatever they’re doing and come to their aid, day or night, regardless of what they may be engrossed in. And if they don’t, the kids may accuse their elders of being bad parents who don’t care about them.
Of course, no loving parent would begrudge their child for needing immediate help in an emergency. But few people would be okay with their friends or neighbors calling them unplanned at three a.m. for an airport ride simply because of their own poor planning, and it’s not okay when their adult children do it either.
Final thoughts…
The parents who allow their adult offspring to take advantage of their generosity or treat them disrespectfully often do so because they’re afraid their children will cut them out of their lives if they don’t acquiesce.
Although the boundaries they’re seeking to establish are perfectly healthy and reasonable, there’s always the risk of alienation if their kids don’t want to change the dynamic they’re accustomed to. If discussions of this nature end in hostility, family counselling or mediation may be beneficial so everyone involved can have a stronger, healthier family dynamic.
