Pleasing others at your own expense can be driven by an instinct to overcompensate for past trauma. Somewhere along the way, you learned that your worth, safety, and abilities were tied to everyone else’s needs and not your intrinsic value. Perhaps you had a neglectful parent, or you were parentified like I was. This may cause you to focus on those around you so you can head off any drama that might hurt you.
Whilst people pleasing isn’t always a result of childhood trauma, it can certainly trigger this response as an adult coping strategy. Discover what’s really calling the shots for you, and you can begin the healing process.
1. You learned that only perfect performance deserves love.
In my parental home, a poor report card would easily provoke my dad, who believed in fixing inattention or “laziness” with the belt. And my Mom would weep and ask what she’d done wrong since I was clearly a failure (aka I had undiagnosed ADHD). As a result, I apologized profusely and believed that my worth was determined by what others saw as success.
To this day, I overwork because I remember the belt and my mom’s tears. As a child, I believed that the real me, who gets both distracted and hyperfocused, was only worth loving when I pleased authority figures. The adult me therefore tries to predict when people need help so I can prove to them and myself that I am worthy by being useful.
Your emotional wounds may prompt you to work hard, but withdraw and avoid settings where you’re not being of service and “earning” praise. You may lack confidence or simply feel too awkward to fit in without something to do or someone to serve. You’d rather clean and fix than relax.
2. You had your own feelings neglected, whilst being expected to carry other people’s.
Since my self-worth depended on being “good,” I avoided discussing my feelings with my parents. Instead, I eased my emotional lows by running laps around the block. However, when my Mom had a “moment,” I was roped in as her sounding board. I had to empathize with situations I didn’t fully understand, and this taught me that my comfort didn’t matter.
People who have experienced childhood wounds such as this often grow into adults who lend a willing ear to others and absorb their feelings while denying their own. They may order what everyone else is having at restaurants and coordinate their wardrobe to match the general fashion at work, because being themselves was never tolerated.
Personally speaking, I often mirror colleagues to fit in, but my own self gets folded away — a pressed wildflower in an unused handkerchief. As a result, I have never fully developed my core emotional intelligence skills, something that Psychology Today tells us is a common experience for those who experience childhood neglect. What’s more, my self-awareness and internal motivation are also in short supply.
3. You were made responsible for fixing adult problems.
One of my earliest memories is watching my mom stare blankly at the TV for hours, and me feeling a profound sense of responsibility toward her. I’d make her tea, draw her pictures — anything to get a smile. I thought it was my job to fix her depression.
Fast forward a few years, and for me, dating turned into a war zone, with partners who were more broken than I was, because my identity was tied to being helpful and supportive. When I couldn’t help someone, I was wracked with guilty feelings and felt responsible despite having done my best. Research shows that I’m by no means alone in my experience. To cope, I would either help beyond what I could offer or withdraw and avoid contact with those I felt I had failed.
You may experience something similar, for example, being super helpful one day and then hiding from colleagues the next, all while you drown in feelings of inadequacy and guilt.
4. You learned to make yourself small as a means of survival.
If you focus on pleasing your boss, colleagues, friends, family, or partner by reducing your footprint and doing for them, but never for you, it may be that your survival instinct is steering your present course. You likely learned early that being small meant being safe—and now, even when you’re not in danger, you can’t seem to take up the space you deserve.
To keep everyone happy in my childhood, I made myself small in every way I could. From starving myself to be as skinny as possible to internalizing all my experiences, I never wanted to upset anyone else, forgetting that I mattered in the process.
For many people, this carries into adulthood and is a common driver of people-pleasing behavior, particularly in women who are often socialized from birth to be “good girls”. That is, they are rewarded for being small, agreeable, and undemanding—while being punished and labeled ‘difficult’ or ‘too much’ when they’re not.”
5. Enmeshment, parentification, and codependency forced you into a caretaker role.
My mother used to call me her “little therapist” when I carried her emotions. I knew all about her marital problems and her frustrations with work before I was even a teenager. At the time, I felt important and chosen. I didn’t realize until I was an adult that I had been robbed of my childhood, trained to carry her emotions when I had no tools to manage them.
Unfortunately, this kind of trauma can cement a child into a codependent role where they firmly believe that they have to carry their parent, forgetting that they were still a child. And as an adult, this often results in the individual easily slipping back into that rut and taking on more than they should.
For example, before I worked through this in therapy, I would often choose needy people instead of healthy role models because I am enmeshed in the role of caregiver and fixer. But these types of adult relationships only bring more trauma and stress while leaving you without support.
6. Being neglected, excluded, or having a lack of stability in childhood has left you with abandonment issues.
My first marriage was a disaster, but I clung to it and hoped that I belonged, despite feeling absolutely no connection with my ex. I was terrified of being alone and excluded. It took years of therapy to realize that I was ignoring red flags because I struggled to deal with my early abandonment issues.
My clinginess caused problems in platonic and working relationships, too. I often pushed balanced people away because I anxiously clung to them like a leech, instead of just being a good friend to them with a healthy amount of reciprocity.
When your childhood has taught you to fear abandonment, you amp up your people-pleasing behavior, desperately trying to earn acceptance and support. The problem is, no amount of extra coffee or working overtime will win you the stability you crave. That can only come from self-acceptance.
7. Feeling like you still have to earn love.
As a kid, I desperately wanted a bright red bicycle. When I earned an A in a math test, my dad bought one, and I enjoyed it for a week before a C grade in English convinced him I wasn’t good enough to deserve the reward, and he pawned it. Good grades earned rewards, while anything else meant I was less-than and not worthy of love.
Perhaps you experienced similar conditional love as a child, and as such, have a similar reaction to me as an adult, feeling acceptable only when you have earned respect by doing and being useful. It’s a transaction — your effort in exchange for someone else to approve you and validate your existence. It’s only when you begin to see your relationships for what they are, and accept that you can have support and understanding without first earning it, that you can build authenticity and mutual respect.
8. Mistrusting people despite going out of your way for them.
It’s worth pointing out that just because you are willing to do things for others doesn’t mean you trust them. In fact, trust issues often go hand in hand with people-pleasing. That’s because when you’ve been hurt or let down repeatedly, you learn to keep people at arm’s length emotionally, even while you’re bending over backward to help them and earn their favor.
I have a few of the classic signs, as I’m constantly anxious and don’t feel safe with anyone. My self-confidence levels are often low, and social interactions can really drain my reserves and trigger fear and worry. As such, I never felt safe in my first marriage, and unsurprisingly, it didn’t work out.
Extensive therapy helped me get into a better headspace to date again, and when I remarried, I played open cards with my husband. He accompanied me to treatment so he could understand me better and get beyond the barriers I so frequently withdraw behind. As a result, he helps me cope with my anxiety by talking openly and overexplaining when I need it. I have come to trust him and learned that I don’t have to overextend myself to please him. With him, my “red bike” is always there.
9. People pleasing to avoid or minimize bullying.
Bullying is something many people can relate to, and I certainly had my share growing up because I was different. Sarah was the biggest bully in kindergarten, and I had the misfortune to go to the same schools as her right up to high school. I learned in middle school to carry her bags, do her homework, and even slip her answers in tests because then I’d get off lightly.
Unlike the typical motivation for people-pleasing, I kept her happy because then I would be safe, even though she was never my friend. In time, a few belligerent bosses or section chiefs replaced Sarah, but the results were the same — I did extra work or put in additional hours to appease them so I would survive relatively unscathed.
Unfortunately, when people pleasers are faced with an adult bully, they often pull back, hide behind extra work, or quit their job to work in a more stable environment, even if it means missing out on good career opportunities. They’d usually rather keep others happy and avoid a conflict than fight for what they are worth and deserving of enjoying.
Final thoughts…
Being agreeable is a good quality, but when you adopt a “them-over-me” attitude, you say yes at your own expense, undermining your self-worth. When your childhood wounds ingrained the belief that you are only worthy when you are of service or make others feel better, you are set on the path where you survive by being a people-pleaser.
You can stop surviving and begin thriving when you acknowledge your past injuries and start the healing process. I learned from my current husband that it’s a path where you can use some company, if you can begin to trust and believe in yourself and in others.
