Few things are more aggravating than a sense of entitlement. Some people just don’t give consideration to others. At all. They look at other people and see a tool that they can wield to meet whatever needs they have. They may have unreasonable expectations, expect you to drop everything for them, or not even ask your permission before volunteering you for things.
You essentially get offered up to do something, and they expect you to do it. But this is not ok. You have a right to fairness, respect, and consideration. So how do you skillfully shut these people down?
1. Don’t over-explain.
In a good-faith disagreement, both parties may need to come together and explain themselves to understand what the problem is. When someone is not trying to use you, it’s good to explain so they can better understand your needs and where you’re coming from. That’s reasonable.
Entitled behavior, however, is not done in good faith. Instead, it’s done at your expense, because the other person is trying to get something out of you through manipulation. That could be time, labor, emotional labor, or even just attention. You don’t need to explain yourself in those situations.
The more you explain yourself to someone acting in bad faith, the more room you give them to argue. That’s because with toxic people, explaining yourself can be interpreted as a willingness to compromise or find middle ground. In a healthy relationship, compromise is good. But if someone close to you feels entitled to you, they’re only looking for reasons to convince you of why you should submit to their demands.
So keep it short, sweet, and don’t apologize, either. Simply say something like, “That just doesn’t work for me.”
2. Decline consistently until they give up.
These people may try to engage you in a battle of wills to get you to cave by just repeating the request over and over. The idea is that if they repeat it enough, they’ll either convince you that they REALLY need your help or that you’ll get frustrated and give in. They are testing your boundaries. Instead of engaging or getting frustrated, you want to calmly just repeat your boundary.
Every time they bring it up, break out your pre-prepared phrase, “That doesn’t work for me.” Sooner or later, they will get tired of asking and bringing it up. It’s important to try to keep your temper in check when you do it, though. As Dr. Susan Biali writes, they may fling anger and frustration at you, which can start a fight. And a fight can give them social or emotional pressure to bend you.
So try to keep it cool. It takes the wind out of their sales.
3. Ignore guilt-based manipulation.
Guilt and pity are two of the easiest tools for manipulation. After all, most reasonable people would want to soothe their person if they felt like they had done something wrong. However, entitled people are going to use that as a weapon against you.
Even if you feel bad, say no. They may try guilt-tripping lines like, “Well, I guess you don’t care about me if you won’t do XYZ…” This was a favorite line from my friend’s mother. According to her, everyone hated her, no one wanted to spend time with her, and everything was terrible. She would just load on the guilt until she got her way.
That loses all of its power when you realize that person isn’t genuinely suffering. They’re just using your emotions as a weapon against you. Personally? I like to stir the pot from time to time, so when I spot someone doing it, I agree with them and reinforce it. There’s always some over-the-top reaction, like “Ohhhh! I can’t believe you’d say that!” Yep. I would.
But, of course, the less confrontational way to handle it is to just decline their request again with whatever your basic reason is.
4. Set clear expectations in advance.
Entitled people love to spring things on you out of nowhere. They just assume that you will drop everything to meet their needs as soon as those needs arise. Annoyingly, they often make their lack of planning your problem. One way to avoid that is to preempt the requests that they like to make.
For example, let’s say your sibling is constantly borrowing money from you for “emergencies,” but has made virtually no effort to pay it back. For a situation like that, you could clearly declare something like, “I don’t have any more money to lend.” They may try to spark up a discussion about it so they can try to find another angle, but you just repeat your boundary until they get the point.
Another common example is people who take your time for granted by dropping unexpected things on you. “Oh, my god! I need a last-minute babysitter!” Well, that’s not your problem. If they can’t give 24 hours’ notice, they can find someone else.
5. Name the behavior calmly.
Manipulative behavior loses a lot of its power when you scrutinize it. Name what the person is doing in a calm, nonconfrontational way if you’re able to. “It sounds like you’re assuming that I’ll do that for you,” is a neutral way call out their actual motivation without accusing them of being manipulative. Of course, it’s only natural to want to call out their bad behavior directly, but you may not be in a position where you can.
Another technique is to detail what their actual request is versus what they’re saying. “So, you want me to stay late after work, after I already made you aware that I couldn’t, to catch up on this job that you’re running behind on?” After that, they will usually either stumble or they may try to pass it off as if they were just making a suggestion. If they do that, you can just shrug and say, I told you I can’t, and walk away from the situation when you can.
6. Be willing to be disliked and disappoint people.
People-pleasers are often faced with an uncomfortable truth once they start setting boundaries. They quickly learn that the people who they thought cared about them did not. Instead, they only actually cared about what they could get out of you with your weak boundaries. As you establish boundaries, you will likely be met with anger, bullying, and then silence when you don’t cave.
It’s going to hurt, but it’s okay. You don’t want those people around you. They didn’t genuinely like you, because if they did like you, they wouldn’t want to make your life harder than it needs to be. You wouldn’t have to worry about them trying to guilt-trip you or get past your boundaries. They would respect your boundaries because they value you enough to want access to you.
Once you shed the parasites, you make room for healthier relationships.
7. Escalate the situation professionally.
If you’re in the workplace, you want to make sure you develop a paper trail of complaints with management or HR. If you try to set that boundary, and this person ignores it or keeps crossing it, then you may need to file a formal complaint about their behavior. Being proactive is good in this context. They’ve already shown they are willing to manipulate to get their way, so you have to assume that they will weaponize the system against you, too.
By getting things filed formally and in writing first, you can point at it and say that it’s been a problem that you reported. That way, if they go to management to try to whisper in their ear about you, they can’t just say that your complaint was in retaliation. Some people need formal warnings to act right, unfortunately.
Final thoughts…
Entitlement is a gross, repeated behavior that is a violation of your boundaries. Yes, sometimes people make mistakes. In a healthy relationship, when that happens, you’d state your boundary, and your boundary would be respected from then on out. In an unhealthy relationship, your boundary becomes something to negotiate or try to make waver. And if they do it once, they’ll do it over and over.
Entitled people will fall away when you start building and enforcing boundaries. That’s good, because it makes room for the healthier people who will respect you.
