There are many different types of people in the world, with varying degrees of resilience. While a significant number of them try to be as self-reliant as possible, others look for people to “save” them — either from issues they’re navigating, things that scare them, or even themselves.
While some of these individuals only show their true colors after you’ve known them for years, others put their helplessness into practice from day one onward. Here are some of the key behaviors they may display, and the factors that contributed to why they behave the way they do.
1. They display childlike behavior.
Regardless of how old they are, people like this will generally behave like small, helpless children in the hope of being saved from their current predicament. Many of them learned when they were young that if they acted cute and helpless, it triggered the nurturing instinct in others, and they would come to their rescue and handle whatever it was they were struggling with (or didn’t want to do).
It’s worth noting that although it’s frustrating to deal with in an adult, it can also be a defense mechanism that developed in response to an abusive upbringing. Since many people are hesitant to hurt those who are helpless in their eyes, acting vulnerable and childlike may have offered these individuals a measure of protection in their younger years. And as such, it’s now their go-to response in difficult scenarios.
2. They ask for help rather than trying to do something themselves first.
If you’re anything like me, you like to try to do something yourself before conceding defeat and asking someone else for help. Some people are naturally self-sufficient and fiercely independent from an early age, and tend to maintain that behavior throughout life.
In contrast, people who are eternally looking for others to save them will sit back and let others handle things for them. Even if they’re capable of doing them on their own, they’ll let someone else take the lead.
For many, this was a learned response in childhood. When they couldn’t do something immediately or did something wrong, someone would always come to their rescue and handle whatever it was they were struggling with (or didn’t want to do), rather than encouraging them to develop the skills needed to do it themselves.
It can often stem from the fear of failure, too (i.e., they’re severely lacking in self-confidence). This is particularly common in people whose parents yelled at them when they made mistakes, rather than treating them as learning curves instead.
3. They fear (or avoid) their own company.
Those who constantly look for others to “save” them are usually severely uncomfortable when they’re alone. They often feel scared and vulnerable on a fundamental level, and need someone else to keep them company, distract them from their own anxious thoughts, and potentially protect them should that need arise.
As a result, they’re usually serial monogamists when dating, and may rush commitment in order to feel secure in their relationships. Similarly, they’ll likely live with roommates when single, will spend as much time with friends as possible, and always have the radio or TV on in the background to minimize time spent alone with their own thoughts.
4. They blame everyone else for whatever’s going wrong in their life.
It’s generally seen as a sign of emotional maturity and self-respect when someone doesn’t just acknowledge the role they had in whatever’s going wrong in their life, but also takes action to remedy it. In contrast, those who are emotionally immature tend to blame everyone and everything else for their misfortune, never acknowledging the part they played in it.
They’ll most often blame those who aren’t in their immediate sphere anymore, namely, absent or estranged parents, former partners, old friends, and so on, mostly because those individuals aren’t around to be questioned or held to account. They’re convenient scapegoats to carry the blame and responsibility.
This behavior can be very difficult to deal with, but it’s often because the punishments these individuals received for wrongdoings in their youth were severe, or even deeply traumatizing, depending on what their caregivers were like. As a result, they end up being so terrified of the catastrophic consequences they may be forced to endure that they try to place the blame on someone else to save themselves from potential pain.
5. They wait for things to change, rather than taking action.
This passive approach to life in general can keep people in unhealthy, toxic situations far longer than they’d like, but when people feel helpless or reliant on others to fix their situation, they’ll feel no drive or urgency to change things.
They’ll complain bitterly about what they’re going through and resent everything about their lives, but will daydream about someone coming to rescue them to take them away from all of it instead of taking any initiative of their own. As a result, they’ll often waste years of their lives in excruciating circumstances. They may even tolerate various types of abuse and allow others to dominate and disrespect them.
It can seem incomprehensible to others, but this behavior is often ingrained by past conditioning in which expressing their needs led to punishment, conflict, gaslighting, or other negativity. Such conditioning often results in a lack of belief in oneself, one’s ability, and one’s self-worth, keeping an individual stuck because they simply don’t believe they have the power to change anything.
6. They self-sabotage to create dependency.
People who look for others to save them usually have very low self-confidence. They’re hesitant to take on challenges that they aren’t certain they’ll succeed at, and will (often unconsciously) self-sabotage to prevent themselves from potentially failing. Of course, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure in which they’ll end up feeling defeated and then turn to others to soothe them and reassure them that they aren’t worthless.
This soothing behavior is usually done by kind-hearted, empathic types who want to help them however possible. Unfortunately, it leads to dependency on the part of the individual who’s perpetually looking for their white knight.
Those who were abandoned or neglected in childhood often behave this way right through to their elder years. Essentially, they create situations in which others have to step up to prove how much they love them, so they feel valuable and worthy of care.
7. They have difficulty with emotional regulation.
Those who look for others to rescue them usually have great difficulty with emotional regulation. They may not have learned or had healthy self-regulation skills modelled to them, and as such, their emotions are often volatile, and they rely on others to comfort them and manage their emotions for them.
It’s worth noting that some people naturally struggle with emotion regulation more than others, and have to work much harder at it, such as those who are neurodivergent and/or have certain mental health conditions. It can also be more difficult for those who grew up in severely unstable environments. Chronic stress, invalidated emotions, and unsafe home conditions can cause someone to be hypervigilant while simultaneously repressing their feelings… until they can’t anymore, and they explode.
8. They avoid consequences.
Those who have gone through life with others always coming to their rescue when they make mistakes or bad decisions generally never learn how to deal with the fallout of their behavior. As a result, they avoid the consequences of their own actions whenever possible, and expect others to come rescue them whenever that’s needed.
In the same way that they blame other people for whatever goes wrong in their lives, they make their problems other people’s responsibility as well. Their housemates, friends, partners, and parents are all obligated to step up and come to their rescue when they do something irresponsible or damaging, rather than letting them suffer the consequences and learn from them.
It’s a pattern that starts young and continues. As children, they learn on a fundamental level that there are no negative repercussions to their behavior, and as such, in their minds, they never have to change. And though it often comes from a place of love, with parents wanting to spare their kids suffering, it risks completely destroying their ability to handle reality in adulthood.
Final thoughts…
There’s nothing wrong with turning to others for help when it’s needed. In fact, a lot of people would benefit from being honest about their struggles so others can lend a hand. That said, those who constantly look for others to “save” them can create unbalanced relationships in which there is little in the way of reciprocation.
Their formative conditioning isn’t their own fault: nobody chooses to be mistreated in their youth to learn unhealthy habits, but awareness offers the opportunity to work through these behaviors and hopefully develop healthier, more balanced life skills (and by extension, happier partnerships) going forward.
