“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships were designed for.” – John A. Shedd.
Many of us are in pursuit of peace and happiness in our lives, with the assumption that an easier life means a better one.
But have you ever wondered if that is a worthy goal?
There are so many difficult things in the world, and not all of them bad! What’s more, a life without challenges can leave one woefully unprepared for an uncertain future. And the future will always be uncertain, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. There will always be difficult situations to be handled, problems to be solved, and challenges to face.
Overcoming adversity helps you grow as a person, but to do that, you need to have an understanding of what separates ‘good difficult’ from ‘bad difficult.’
1. Good difficult helps you grow, while bad difficult harms you.
Personally speaking, as someone who lived with undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder for years, I’ve had a lot of experience with both good and bad difficulty.
For example, I needed to go to therapy to address the unhealthy habits I had from my mental illness. I hated talk therapy. And therapy can be difficult when you are working on serious or severe issues.
I hated trying to put those emotions into words. I hated facing the shame that came with the many bad decisions I had made. I hated learning how I had this illness that would affect me for the rest of my life. But I still went.
I went because I understood that healing is not pretty. That the difficulty I was facing would lead somewhere more positive for me. It would lead me to healthier habits and a better way of life. It helped me grow in so many ways and added to me, even though it felt like I was chipping away at the rawest pieces of myself.
It was difficult, but it was a good difficult, because it ultimately led me to a greater peace of mind.
In contrast, bad difficulty in this context might have looked like accepting living in comfortable chaos, self-medication, or other avoidant and self-destructive coping behaviors that may have been easier, but ultimately more harmful.
2. Good difficult leaves you tired but feeling satisfied, whereas bad difficult leaves you feeling empty or exhausted.
Take improving your health and fitness as an example. A great workout is physically challenging. You’ll tire yourself out trying to push your body so you can build muscle or get in that aerobic exercise. The feeling after a good workout is often exhaustion, but it comes with a sense of accomplishment and progress. It brings with it a “Hell yeah! I killed it that work out!” kind of vibe.
Maybe you ran a little bit longer, did a little bit more intense workout, or pushed a little more weight. It makes you feel good even when you’re aching and sore.
On the other hand, there are some difficult things that can just leave you drained. Consider going to work every day at a place you hate. Yes, it may be hard to go to work in a normal situation if you’re not fond of working. However, when you’re in a toxic work environment, you just leave work every day feeling empty and depleted. But hey, gotta do what you gotta do. Right?
3. Good difficult requires effort to overcome difficulties in relationships, but bad difficult asks you to betray your values.
Relationships, and specifically relationship growth and repair, are a good example of where people struggle to tell the difference between good difficult and bad.
Let’s say you’re in a relationship with someone, and you’re having a hard time. Now, every relationship brings with it challenges. Sometimes, life is hard, and people don’t always make good decisions. They make mistakes, and those wrongs need to be righted so the relationship can continue. That’s where you hear phrases like, “We’re working on it.”
However, there is a difference between a mistake and disrespect.
For example, something like an affair is not “a mistake.” It’s a series of disrespectful choices and behavior. An affair requires someone to entertain another person who is interested in them, to somehow be in a situation to get physical with the person, and most likely, there are a whole lot of lies that surround the whole thing.
I’m not here to judge you, the reader, for what choices you’ve made in your life. However, for some people, forgiving an affair can easily cross that threshold of betraying one’s own values, particularly if fidelity is important to you. That might not be something you can “work on” because it’s a matter of values and principles that a person has. And don’t think I’m throwing stones in glass houses here. I’ve been on both sides of this equation, so I know firsthand.
It doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, though. Essentially, any relationship that asks you to betray who you are for it to work is not the good kind of effort required.
4. Good difficult creates independence, bad difficult creates dependence.
Going back to my previous example of therapy, like many therapy-reluctant patients, I viewed therapy as a scam for the most part. Like, what do you mean you want me to pay someone to listen to and solve my problems? What incentive does that therapist have to actually help me? Doesn’t it make more sense for them to half-ass it, not help me, so I become dependent and keep coming in to pay them?
It was a deeply cynical perspective because I couldn’t imagine that some people truly do just want to help other people. The fact of the matter is that any good therapist is going to be working with the idea of creating independence for you. They don’t want you to be dependent on them, or any other mental health professional, unless you have to be.
And there are some of us who will have to be. As a person with Bipolar Disorder, a lifelong illness, I will have to deal with mental health professionals throughout the rest of my life. But needing ongoing support to prevent a mental illness from potentially getting worse is not the same thing as someone creating dependence to purposefully undermine your success.
5. Good difficult becomes easier with experience, but bad difficult often becomes harder.
Back to my therapy example, as much as I hated it, I eventually grew to appreciate therapy more and more. I didn’t “enjoy” it, but I grew to appreciate it because I developed a better understanding of the therapeutic process.
Whatever the difficult thing is that you’re doing, it’s actually very easy to determine if it’s genuinely helping you improve or not. You will walk away from your time with this person or situation with things to think about, revelations, maybe homework, or other things to help improve yourself. You’re walking away from whatever this difficult thing is you’re doing with a clear benefit that is manifesting in your everyday life, and that makes it easier to keep doing it.
For me personally, as time went on, it did get easier for me to open up and put my emotions and experiences into words. It just took time and effort.
6. Good difficult makes sense after you’ve arrived, while bad difficult often requires justification.
If we use the example of health and fitness again, a person who is starting an exercise routine is likely going to struggle a lot. It may be hard to develop the habit of exercising, eating better, and working toward the goal. But once you start hitting your goals like losing weight or feeling better mentally, then it feels worthwhile.
On the other hand, you can tell when it’s a bad difficult because you have to make excuses for the suffering or enduring you went through. Consider trying to “work on” an abusive relationship.
By definition, an abusive relationship is going to be harmful to you. It’ll be hard to look back on those pieces of the relationship with any kind of fondness or happiness. What you find when you look back at the situation are instead justifications and reasons that don’t match the severity of your suffering.
“I had to do it because without me, he would have come apart.” Yeah, he very well might have. But ultimately, that’s not your problem. That’s his problem.
Final thoughts…
There’s no denying that life can be so hard at times. There are so many battles that we have to wage, whether it comes from our health, financial well-being, or relationships. But positive challenges should bring you closer to victory, to being healthier, having better relationships, or creating peace of mind.
If you find yourself wondering, consider the end state of the difficulty you’re facing. What comes after? Is it something good? If the answer is honestly yes, then there’s a good chance it’s a good difficult.
