How often have you talked yourself out of doing something before even trying it?
Maybe you don’t feel that you’re smart or capable enough to succeed at it, so you step back and let more talented individuals take the reins instead. Or you come up with all of the excuses in the world as to why no option in front of you is feasible.
Instead of resigning yourself to this fate, let’s take a look at the psychological reasons why you seem to convince yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t do the things that you’ve been dreaming of pursuing.
Because after all, it’s pretty hard to change a behavior when you don’t understand what’s driving it.
1. You’re experiencing “analysis paralysis” because of perfectionist tendencies.
If you’ve ever watched the show “The Good Place”, the character named Chidi is a perfect example of someone who’s wracked with analysis paralysis.
Also known as decision paralysis, it involves spiraling into overthinking when it comes to making a choice.
Whether you’re a naturally anxious person or a perfectionist who’s terrified of making the wrong decision, you’ll likely hyper-analyze every single option and outcome. And these tendencies usually develop in childhood as a response to environments where mistakes were met with criticism or withdrawal of approval, leaving grown-up you terrified of getting things wrong.
Unfortunately, how this often translates to decision-making is that you never actually make a choice, because there are simply too many variables to decide between. And as a result, you talk yourself out of doing anything at all, simply because you can’t be absolutely certain that you’re choosing the “right” path.
It simply seems easier not to do anything than risk making a mistake and regretting that decision forever.
2. If you don’t start, you can’t fail and feel worse.
For many people, the fear of failing at something (especially if it’s important to them) is so overwhelming that they’d rather not do it at all — even if it’s something that means the world to them.
Psychology teaches us this fear is often rooted in early experiences where failure carried consequences, such as shame, punishment, or ridicule, thus conditioning the brain to treat failure as a real threat rather than a normal part of life.
If this is the case for you, it’s possible that you’ve even self-sabotaged on a few occasions in order to have a solid excuse as to why you didn’t pursue the thing you were passionate about.
That way, you’re able to save face about it. You did try, but it didn’t work out as planned, and now you have a reason as to why you won’t pursue it again.
3. You have low self-esteem thanks to the tyrants of your past.
For many people, their sense of self-worth was either cultivated or quashed in early childhood.
Those whose parents encouraged them and showed faith in them even when they stumbled often grow into adults who see challenges as opportunities to grow, and practice self-compassion if they stumble.
In contrast, those who grew up with parents, caregivers, and/or teachers who insulted them, called them stupid, or mocked their errors often grow up to have a terrible view of their own capabilities.
If the latter was your experience, it may not be your voice that’s talking you out of things before you begin, so much as the shadows of those who raised you convincing you that you aren’t good enough or smart enough to pursue this goal.
You may have such low self-esteem thanks to their cruelty that you sincerely don’t believe that you’re capable of succeeding.
4. You’re trying to be sensible with resources.
People who have had a history of poverty, homelessness, or other lack can get locked into a scarcity mentality that paralyzes them.
Case in point, my uncle (who was a Vietnam veteran) was so terrified of ever experiencing severe hunger again that he hoarded canned and dry goods all over the house, and would spend money on stockpiling food instead of paying bills.
If you’ve experienced scarcity, such as living hand-to-mouth or having to choose between buying food or paying rent, then even if you’re living comfortably now and can afford to pursue what you’re interested in, you may still be wary of doing so.
You may prioritize all the things that will continue to offer you security and stability instead of pursuing goals that come with risk and may not unfold as expected.
5. It’s self-preservation in action.
People who have been through a lot of personal difficulty often place peace and self-care as their highest priorities. As such, if you’ve gone through some intense ordeals in recent years, you may talk yourself out of things before you even begin as a means of self-preservation.
Quite simply, you’re so worried about falling apart again (physically or mentally) that even subconsciously, you convince yourself that it’s for the best if you don’t pursue anything that has the potential to drain you or give you grief if it fails.
For example, that new relationship could thrive and do well, which would eat up all of your alone time and force you to output energy and emotion that you don’t have to spare. Or if it fails, then you’ll have to deal with the depression that goes along with a breakup.
For some people, closing the door on the potential instead brings a certainty that’s hard to resist. Life is full of unknowns, so the comfort of familiarity and maintaining the status quo is something tangible they can count on.
6. If you never make the idea real, then it remains a pleasant fantasy.
Most of us know at least one person who often talks about all the great things they plan on doing, but they never actually see those things through.
This is usually because the thought of failing stops them from ever trying to succeed, which we touched on earlier. However, this is a slightly different psychological driving force.
Here it’s more about avoiding shattering the fantasy than fearing failure itself.
As such, if you’ve been dreaming about doing something for a while, you might feel much happier keeping it in the realm of possibility rather than trying it, failing at it, and being overcome by despair and defeat.
My partner has a friend who is a great example of this. He has come up with dozens of great business ideas. For instance, years before DoorDash or Instacart, he talked about starting up a service where people could order things from local grocery stores or pharmacies for home delivery, but he never pursued that. (A shame, since these companies generate billions in revenue!).
The attraction for this guy lay in the potential, rather than the execution.
As soon as it came to actually nailing an idea down and making it a reality, he would procrastinate, make excuses, and then shift attention to the next great idea he had instead. That way, the idea could remain a pleasant fantasy, rather than risk it not living up to his ideal.
7. Negativity bias and rejection sensitivity may be colliding to create the perfect storm.
According to psychological research, the pain associated with failure or loss can be up to twice as severe as the joy that comes from a successful endeavor. And for people who are prone to rejection sensitivity, that is, an extreme emotional and physical pain which is triggered by the perception of falling short or being rejected, that pain can be even more severe.
While it’s an emerging area of psychology, research shows it’s common in neurodivergence and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD).
As a result, if you’re prone to experiencing intense discomfort and grief when you fail at something that matters to you, then you may be fixated on all the things that could potentially go wrong, rather than ever assuming things could possibly go well.
When and if you start thinking about how much fun or satisfaction you’d feel about a particular pursuit, the brain’s hard-wired negativity bias kicks in, and that, coupled with rejection sensitivity, reminds you of how horrible it felt when you were mocked for your 5th grade science fair project, or how much it hurt when the person you were interested in turned you down.
As a result, your desire to avoid pain and suffering overrides your desire to pursue what’s interesting or important to you.
8. Anxiety can drive procrastination.
Anxiety doesn’t always manifest as crippling panic attacks. Sometimes, it takes the form of chronic avoidance or procrastination instead. This is because your amygdala (the threat-detection area of your brain) can interpret something new you’d like to try as a potential threat.
Even though logically, rationally, you know that you aren’t going to be in any real danger by doing so, your mind processes it with the same high danger alert as if a mountain lion were perched over your door, ready to pounce when you walk through it.
And as a result, unless you learn to gently challenge this response, you can’t help but avoid the thing in order to alleviate the anxiety associated with it.
Final thoughts…
If you find yourself in a situation where you’d really like to do something but you notice that you’re talking yourself out of it, take a moment to think about the phrases and excuses you’re using to do so.
Are they in your own voice? Or are you remembering how other people tried to naysay you in the past? Alternatively, are your excuses coming from a place of fear? Or self-preservation?
By analyzing where these responses are coming from, you can gradually learn to overcome them so you can pursue the things that are truly important for you to achieve.
