What does it mean to be a good friend?
There are many answers to that question. People have so many characteristics and qualities that it’s hard to nail down just a few. Still, you can find certain qualities in the most meaningful friendships and relationships you have. Once you can identify and understand those, you can then look for those qualities in other people when trying to form new relationships.
But what kind of qualities should you look for? Well, someone who possesses these is a good place to start.
1. They truly listen to you.
Communication is the foundation of any meaningful relationship. As Better Health informs us, you can’t have a healthy relationship if both people can’t feel comfortable communicating about uncomfortable topics to one another. People who genuinely listen can be rare, and they are so valuable to have as a friend because sometimes we just need to be heard.
A person who truly listens to you won’t judge you or try to one-up your story. They won’t be scrolling through their phone while you’re having important conversations. Instead, they will focus on you and what you have to say. They will make you feel seen because they are genuinely seeing you.
2. They are reliable.
Reliability is something so many people just don’t take seriously, and it’s confusing why that is. Showing up when you’re needed – whether it’s a late-night call, a hard day, or a celebration – is a statement that says much about how you feel. As psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, writes, it tells the other person that you value them and you want to be there for them.
Still, far too many people are perfectly happy to disrespect their friends with ghosting, being late, or otherwise wasting time that isn’t theirs to waste. These are the habits of a bad friend, even if they’re not intentional. Reliability matters because if a person says they’re going to do something, then they should do it. It’s a slight on your own word and a lack of truthfulness if you don’t.
3. They celebrate your growth and are happy to see you succeed.
Genuine, sincere people are not haters. They aren’t happy to see you fall, and they don’t enjoy the drama that happens to you in your life. They are happy to see you grow, succeed, and thrive because they genuinely care about you and your well-being.
It’s astounding how many people claim to love others and then put them down in some way, minimize their successes, and actively want them to do worse. It’s not always because the person is a bad person, either. Low self-esteem and self-worth can make it hard to celebrate other people’s wins.
Still, even if they feel that way, they shouldn’t be raining on your parade. You can’t always control what you think, but you can control what you do with your thoughts.
4. They are willing to hold space in harder times.
Sometimes we just need someone to be there for us when times are hard. It’s not that we necessarily need someone to do something for us; we just need someone to be present during our hard times. They may not be able to offer any kind of meaningful help or solution, but a true friend won’t avoid you when things aren’t going well. Instead, they will sit in the discomfort and just let you be.
The concept of holding space acknowledges that a lot of problems either can’t be fixed soon or at all. Sometimes all you can really do is just be there with someone in their own pain, so they don’t feel like they’re completely alone or uncared for. That can mean more to people than a solution, particularly if they’re confronted with a problem that doesn’t have a good solution.
5. They respect your boundaries.
Boundaries are essential for any good and healthy relationship. You just have to have them; otherwise, other people won’t know how to treat you, and vice versa. People who genuinely care about you will care about your boundaries. They will want to know where the boundaries are so they aren’t harming you.
As a person on the autistic spectrum, and I imagine this would apply to people who aren’t, it is exceptionally difficult to forge relationships with people who aren’t clear about their boundaries. You never really know where a line is that you can accidentally step over. When I start talking to someone, it’s important that they can express themselves clearly.
No one should make you feel bad about having boundaries. They won’t make you feel guilty if you need some space or time alone. They won’t make you feel like you’re selfish or dramatic for asking. Instead, they will honor your limits like you’d want yours honored.
6. They may challenge you truthfully.
The emotions surrounding truth can be difficult to navigate. Sometimes, we need to hear the unfiltered truth when we don’t want to hear it. To have a friend who is willing to wade in those difficult waters with you is such a blessing. You can’t know everything, and sometimes you can’t tell that you’re making bad decisions without an honest third-party opinion.
Cherish tactful honesty in people, but expect brutal honesty. There are people who believe that any kind of honesty not given with grace should be discarded, but that isn’t a good metric. Most people aren’t that emotionally intelligent, so you may get hurtful honesty at times. The key is to look at why the person said what they did.
Are they trying to help you? Or did they just want to hurt you? If they weren’t trying to hurt your feelings, then that’s likely someone you want to keep around. They may just not be good with words.
7. They accept the real you, not just the best you.
“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women are merely players.” That’s a statement from Shakespeare acknowledging how we all play roles in one another’s lives. Many people need to adopt masks to live different parts of their lives. They may not feel comfortable or safe enough to be their genuine self.
But the best friends to have in your life aren’t going to think that way. They aren’t going to want you to put on a performance or be fake for them. They will be happy and accepting of you regardless of how you show up. Sometimes, we just need to be able to be free to be ourselves.
8. They apologize and take accountability when they’re wrong.
Sincere apologies are the glue that binds a good relationship together. Why? Well, it’s because our disagreements and the process of fixing them bring us closer together. There will always be disagreements and arguments between people, no matter how in-tune they are. The way that those problems are addressed is what makes the difference.
These are people you genuinely want to be close to because the relationship is more likely to weather difficult storms. You know that they aren’t just going to ghost you or cut you off. Instead, they will be present, willing to take their share of the responsibility, and come to a reasonable conclusion.
9. They choose you over and over.
Friendship isn’t just a convenience; it’s a commitment. You need to do things like check in, stay consistent, and make your friend feel like they are a priority rather than an afterthought. The act of being chosen is typically seen in the decisions that the other person makes.
Are they demonstrating thoughtfulness and consideration to you? Are they trying to include you? Are they being supportive of you? And you them? It can be hard to be friends with someone at times. It’s in those times that you need to choose the relationship and choose to go through those difficult challenges together.
A last word…
Everyone needs good people and friends in their lives. Much of life would be pretty boring and uninspiring without having people to enjoy it with. As you meet people, keep an eye out for these qualities. Make those people who possess them your friends.
Maintaining meaningful friendships does require additional work to make sure everyone stays emotionally invested. Of course, there are people with different tolerances for how long or how close they should be. The easiest way to go about it is to put out the same kind of energy that they’re putting in. That’ll keep you on the same page.
