Somewhere along the course of a relationship, a simple request to put the trash out can result in a full-blown wall chart, complete with Post-its on who does what, who does more, and who slacks.
“You never listen!” “That’s because you always…!”
I want to dive for cover just thinking about it, but let me be clear: these habits build over time, and they rarely expose one villain in particular, but rather two tired people who have grown resentful in a dynamic they once thrived in.
If you want to know which 7 habits slowly create power struggles from what was once a loving union, I have them here.
1. Small disagreements become less about the issue and more about who’s right.
What is that? Why do people want to be right all the time, even when they probably know deep down they’re not?
Well, in relationships, it’s often because those people think being right means that you get the upper hand, almost like you get a free pass when the next disagreement comes along.
I personally don’t think it works that way; I mean, there isn’t a single relationship where one person is always right and the other always wrong, although those who always want to be right will probably disagree…
People who enter a disagreement to twist it this way often end up pushing people away. The other person, who is often just fighting to be heard in some way, ends up thinking, “What’s the point? They’re never going to listen.”
Meanwhile, the spouse desperate to win remains disconnected from reality in their vain attempt to come out on top again.
It becomes not about resolving the issue, but about winning. The power is in the wrong place.
2. “Who does more?” begins to overpower teamwork.
At this point, you may as well keep a little notebook in your back pocket to track the score.
I am always astounded at the number of couples who remember all the ways their spouses failed them over time.
“I am forever tidying up and picking up your slack!” “It’s a little rich considering you never buy the groceries.” “Yeah, I’m busy too, yet somehow, I always find the time to clean the car.”
Where does any of this get anyone?
And I’m not blaming men over women, or women over men here. I’m saying it happens, and both parties forget that they’re supposed to be a team.
When you can work together, magical things happen! It takes both of you, though. Sometimes you end up with the wrong people claiming they’re on your side when they’re not, and it’s disheartening, to say the least.
If you both want it to work, you have to crawl out of the habit of trying to point-score your way out of conflict.
3. Jumping to defend yourself before you really hear what your partner is saying.
There are many reasons why people might be defensive. Some of the most common include: being raised in a critical household, fearing not being good enough, not knowing how to sit with discomfort, wanting people to be viewed accurately, having been used as a scapegoat in the past.
So what happens if one or all of those triggers come together in a relationship? One person just wants to be heard and seen, but they can’t because it immediately evokes a defensive reaction in the other person.
Well, first, there’s a whole lot of resentment.
When one partner can’t talk about what matters to them, they will start to feel like they aren’t being treated fairly. Conflict can also increase, escalating through misunderstanding instead of resolving itself through actual communication.
Mostly, and the saddest part of all, two people can simply stop being each other’s safe space. They either shut down entirely, or just as bad, they find someone else to confide in.
I say hold back on jumping in and telling your spouse why what they said was wrong or annoyed you, and try to just pause. Listen. Be curious about what they’re trying to tell you rather than immediately writing it off like a debt you can’t pay back.
4. Forgetting that it’s the two of you against the problem, not the two of you against each other.
This one isn’t about scorekeeping but rather remembering why you are in a relationship in the first place.
If you wanted to always come out on top, you could live alone and have cats and chickens who can’t tell you that you’re wrong.
Meeting someone, falling in love, and having that lead to a relationship means you have chosen to come together to share your lives.
You’re supposed to have each other’s backs, and the aim should be to stick together.
In a healthy, thriving relationship, couples should want to be on the same side. They should want to understand what the other is saying and feeling.
Life can make it so easy to forget this important factor, and instead allow the overriding power of winning the fight to take over.
Don’t lose sight of what matters the most. This isn’t about always agreeing; it’s about finding ways to disagree and solve the problem. Don’t slip into the ‘me vs you’ thinking instead of ‘us vs the issue.’
5. Saying “whatever” to deflect any subject or statement of importance.
When you’re trying to walk a path with someone, the word whatever can act like a roadblock that prevents your progress.
In the context of power struggles, a person can say it as a way to control the conversation or to shut down what the other person is trying to say.
It’s dismissive, and it’s hurtful to hear. No issue gets resolved by saying “whatever,” and actually, it comes across as pretty childish.
It doesn’t sound loving, does it?
It’s a small thing, but it’s these little day-to-day habits that really do turn what once was loving and meaningful into a battleground.
If it’s that you want a break from the conversation, I suggest, “Can we come back to this?”, or “I just need ten minutes to clear my mind.”
If it’s that you disagree with your partner and want to find a way to move on, then “Let’s just agree to disagree,” or “We obviously disagree, but we need to focus on some kind of solution” are far more mature.
Practice remembering that you chose each other because you actually want to be together, instead of always wanting to be the one in charge of the outcome of each conversation.
6. Turning every conversation into a bid for control.
Who can be louder? Who can make the most points? Who can say the most words?
Sounds exhausting just reading it, doesn’t it?
Yet you’d be surprised how many people out there seem to have relationships where they want to turn every single conversation into an opportunity to show why their opinion is superior and steer things in the direction they prefer.
You’re talking about renovating the kitchen together, and suddenly they are the expert on wall units and under-cupboard lights.
“No, don’t use that company, I know someone who owes me a favor and can help us.” “I don’t want a cupboard there.” “I don’t like your choice of flooring; it’s too bright.” “This shop has better prices.”
While it often stems from anxiety, the desire to always be in control, always know best, and to have the last word often leads partners on the receiving end to give up entirely.
“Fine, you do it.”
That can be all it takes for two people who started off wanting the same outcome to end up disconnected and unable to make a united choice.
7. Correcting small details during conflict.
“I’m just saying, you didn’t say that last week.” “No, that’s not what happened.” “You said Thursday, but I just want to jump in and say I think you meant Friday.”
If you’re carrying around a nit comb to pick out all the tiny details your spouse or partner has gotten wrong while they’re trying to talk to you, I urge you: put it down.
You may have a desire for accuracy and an eye for detail, and those are great traits in the right contexts, but you don’t gain points for being facetious, even if you’re not trying to be.
If you’re trying to maintain a loving relationship, and you think you can do that whilst correcting every minor inaccuracy or detail that isn’t perfect, trust me, you won’t get far.
Final thoughts…
Loving relationships always start with the best intentions, but it doesn’t take long before a power struggle can occur if both parties take their eyes off the prize.
There shouldn’t be the need for one person to have that power over another, yet so many couples fall into the same trap of wanting to be right or wanting to be in charge.
Healthy compromise is key. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but at the end of the day, if you aren’t working together, then you aren’t the team you thought you were, or that you initially set out to be.
So lower your swords. Life is too short.
