We all make mistakes, and that includes things we say or do to our partners. It might be an offhand comment at the wrong time, or an irresponsible action that results in hurt feelings. However, some things cause more damage than others, even when that isn’t our intention.
In fact, some of the deepest wounds we inflict on our partners are from things we’ve said and done without thinking, nor realizing just how deeply our words and actions (or the lack thereof) have cut. Things like these:
1. Making “jokes” that are actually hurtful or damaging to their partner.
People have a wide range of humor thresholds. As such, a comment that one person may find hilarious may wound another deeply. A person might make a joke about their partner’s appearance, weight, interests, or accomplishments that wouldn’t bother them at all if reversed, but what they consider to be a light-hearted barb may wound their partner permanently.
When a situation like this happens, the best course of action is to acknowledge the hurt given and apologize. In addition to making amends, the one who gave the insult needs to learn that their partner has a different threshold and doesn’t share their sense of humor. The worst thing they can do is to minimize the partner’s hurt, mock them for not being able to take a joke, and keep bringing up the situation in the future because they found it hilarious.
2. Dismissing their partner’s thoughts and feelings instead of validating them.
The dismissal mentioned above is one form of invalidation, but there are several others, such as telling their partner to calm down, that they’re overreacting, or being childish, and so on. They may also judge their partner for their thoughts and emotions, and shame them if they don’t seem appropriate in their own view.
Many people dismiss others’ feelings reactively, without acknowledging the long-term damage it can cause. Perpetually telling someone that they’re wrong or implying that they aren’t actually feeling the way they do may cause permanent psychological and emotional harm.
The individual may end up perpetually doubting or second-guessing their own feelings, and tamping down their thoughts instead of expressing them. What’s more, this doesn’t just damage them: it also damages the relationship in the long run.
3. Bringing up difficult past experiences that their partner would rather forget.
People who have gone through terrible things often prefer to leave those experiences in the past. They won’t mention them and will change the subject if it gets raised. And if their partner brings it up carelessly, that tells them that this person hasn’t paid attention to their boundaries, nor do they seem to notice (or care) that this behavior is causing them distress.
As an example, my partner’s father took his own life over 20 years ago. It wasn’t a pleasant experience for her, and she prefers not to discuss it. Her ex used to bring it up in casual conversation all the time, and even volunteered her to give one of his colleagues advice when her brother did the same. Few things make a person feel unheard, unseen, and disrespected quite like that.
4. Criticizing or condescending in the guise of “helping.”
A lot of people think that they’re being helpful by making comments or certain actions for their partner’s benefit, when in fact they’re wounding them deeply instead. Examples of this can include buying a planner for a partner who is autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD) to “help them” manage their time despite executive dysfunction, or buying that partner clothes in a smaller size to encourage them to work out more.
Even though these actions may be done with the best of intentions rather than mean-spiritedness, their effects may wound their spouse terribly. People are generally very aware of their own struggles and shortcomings, and often feel that they’re letting their loved ones down even when they’re doing their best. Actions like these reinforce those feelings over time.
5. Assuming instead of asking.
Making assumptions can take several forms, from food preparation to interpersonal conflict, but it always stems from the same source: not treating one’s partner like a person, but as an extension of themselves. Yes, we get to know our partners well over time, but we’re never inside their heads.
A person might only bring home food for themselves after work because they assumed their partner wouldn’t want any, instead of asking, which is beyond discourteous. Alternatively, they may be accusatory and demand to know why their partner threw out a particular item instead of asking them whether, in fact, they had done so. Neither of these behaviors is appreciated on any level, and can cause real harm to the relationship over time.
6. Not paying attention.
I recently came across a thread on social media where people were discussing the worst holiday gifts they’d received, and the majority of them involved utterly clueless partners. The worst stories involved people telling their spouses what they were dreaming of for gifts (and even sent links to online wish lists), only to receive things like food processors or bubble bath in the one scent they despise.
The discussion veered over to how their partners didn’t seem to pay any attention to what they say, do, or are interested in. They asked their partners to name their favorite colors, books, foods, and so on, and few could answer these basic questions. Meanwhile, the spouses in the forum knew everything about their partners, from basic interests to various clothing sizes. It’s disheartening to say the least when you realize your partner doesn’t care enough about you to take an interest in the most rudimentary aspects of your life, and worse still, that they likely only keep you around because of what you do for them.
7. Taking their partner for granted.
Countless people take their partners for granted instead of appreciating all the little tasks they do constantly. They’re content to waltz through life because someone else is handling the labor that would otherwise be on their shoulders, and they’re so accustomed to it that it’s become the norm of their existence.
There’s always toilet paper, soap, and shampoo in the bathroom, and the pantry is always stocked with tea and coffee. Their health appointments are booked months in advance, and bills are paid on time. When people like this lose their spouses unexpectedly, either to death or divorce, they invariably marry again as soon as possible. This isn’t because they’re suddenly lonely and desperate for companionship, but because they want someone else to take care of them the same way.
8. The tyranny of incompetence.
Sadly, many individuals will feign incompetence when it comes to household tasks, so their partner will take care of them instead. For example, they may intentionally break dishes so they aren’t allowed to wash them anymore, or perpetually buy the wrong groceries so their spouse takes on that task in the future, and they can get back to doing what they enjoy instead.
They’ll see this as a hilarious achievement instead of realizing how it pushes their partner into a lifetime of servitude, drudgery, and resentment. Their partner isn’t their parent, and this isn’t a victory. By behaving like a child in an adult body, they’re torturing the person they claim to love and treating them like a slave. This person chose to marry them, not adopt them. Behaving like this will likely result in either eventual divorce or drive their spouse into an early grave.
9. Deliberately choosing to let their partner carry the weight.
Just as bad as the chosen incompetence mentioned above is stepping back and deliberately choosing to let their partner carry the weight of supporting the family, even when it’s damaging their partner’s health. They’ll spend their days pursuing their own interests and passion projects while their spouse works two or three jobs to keep the bills paid, and give them hell if they say they need some time off.
They see their partner struggling, and they may tell them how proud they are of how hard they work and how much they appreciate it, and then they’ll step back and do nothing to help out. These people won’t suggest that they take on extra work so their spouse doesn’t break themselves: they only offer hollow platitudes, and then ask their supposed loved one to pick up dinner en route home from their second shift.
Final thoughts…
Many people use the word “love” quite nonchalantly, especially when it benefits them to do so, but love isn’t selfish: it’s giving. When you truly love someone, you’ll help and support them and seek the best possible outcome for everyone involved. Real love isn’t a child’s dependence — it’s a symbiotic union. You help, nurture, and strengthen one another. You sacrifice for one another.
If you find yourself always feeling heartsore and tired while your partner is thriving, happy, and utterly disinterested in how you’re thinking and feeling, it may be time to reconsider your partnership.
