Depending on what you experienced growing up, or how your previous relationships unfolded, it isn’t always easy to know what a healthy relationship should look like.
That’s where interdependence comes in.
Interdependence consists of two people who are very capable as individuals, but who can lean on one another and share responsibilities for various things, too.
Each person has a strong identity and personal interests, but they also come together to enjoy shared ones.
This is in stark contrast to emotional dependence, in which one or both people in a relationship rely too heavily on the other for emotional stability, happiness, and self-esteem.
If the signs below seem familiar to you, then you can be almost certain you’re building healthy interdependence in your relationship, which is ideal for long-term success.
8 Signs of healthy interdependence in a relationship:
1. You have your own interests as well as shared pursuits.
People who are emotionally dependent on others tend to change who they are in order to endear themselves to the person they’ve bonded with.
For example, they might abandon their own hobbies in favor of adopting those that the other person is into. They may even change their religious or political beliefs in order to better align with their partner, rather than because they genuinely believe.
Take a look at your relationship and the interests you both pursue. If you’re both content to have some independent hobbies rather than needing to align in every single way, that’s a sign that you’ve got a healthy, interdependent dynamic going on.
2. You’re both happy spending time by yourselves, as well as time together.
My partner and I are both fiercely solitary creatures by nature, and we need a lot of alone time.
As such, we retreat to our respective nooks to pursue our own interests, and then come back when we’re ready and enjoy time together.
Neither of us feels neglected or insecure when this happens, nor do we constantly check in on each other. We recognize that to do so would be disrespectful and intrusive: we wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of it, so we certainly wouldn’t inflict it either.
This is in stark contrast to my former partner, who wouldn’t go for a walk or watch a film or partake in any other pursuit unless I was doing it with him.
He would even get upset if I was knitting or embroidering while a film was on because I wasn’t paying attention to it like he was.
That type of emotional dependence infringes greatly on other people’s autonomy: it demands that the individual in question behave the way others want them to, rather than honoring and respecting their own preferences.
3. You do things together, but take initiative to do things on your own too.
It’s often fun to do home improvement projects as a couple. Sure, there might be some playful bickering as you’re trying to put an IKEA bookcase together, but the good aspects generally outweigh the frustrating ones.
The difference between interdependent couples and emotionally dependent ones is that with the former, one might take initiative to get the project started (or finished), while with the latter, they won’t work on it at all unless their partner is there with them.
This sometimes stems from deep insecurity about one’s own capability.
If the partner is there with them, there’s less chance of them making a mistake. In fact, they may be so paralyzed by the fear of doing something wrong that even though they’re supposed to be working on this project together, they’ll repeatedly take steps back and “let” their partner take the lead on all the labor.
This can lead to arguments and resentment because the more capable partner is expected to always carry the majority of the work, while the other partner chooses not to learn new skills.
4. There are equal exchanges and support.
When both partners are emotionally secure and the relationship is interdependent, conversations tend to be equal as far as support goes.
Essentially, both individuals feel secure in discussing hardships with one another and can also discuss things that upset them so they can work together to find a healthy resolution.
This doesn’t happen in cases where one is emotionally dependent on the other, or if that dependence is mutual.
In situations such as those, partners usually have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting each other.
Alternatively, one partner may dump all their insecurities on the other and need constant reassurance from them, but can never offer support in kind when it’s needed.
5. Both partners are secure in the relationship.
Emotionally dependent people tend to feel insecure about themselves, and thus the relationship. As such, they need a lot of reassurance that the relationship is okay.
Now, it’s normal and healthy to check in with your partner from time to time.
For example, my partner and I will check in with each other on occasion — usually a few times a year — to determine whether we’re both happy, feel sufficiently supported, and if there are any new areas to be negotiated.
And many other secure couples do the same thing.
Insecure people, however, might ask questions like these on a near-daily basis.
They’ll constantly ask if the other person still loves them and still finds them attractive. Furthermore, they’ll often ask if their partner is mad at them or if they’ve done anything wrong.
If their partner is upset about something else, such as a stressful situation at work, they might assume they’ve done something to upset them and will fret and worry until their partner is in a better mood again.
6. You trust them with others (and vice versa).
With healthy interdependence, neither partner feels threatened when the other is out with friends of any gender. They have full faith in each other, and know that this trust is reciprocated.
Neither partner is going to “surprise” the other by showing up unannounced to check on them, for example, or make passive-aggressive comments about friends they feel suspicious about.
In contrast, emotionally dependent people tend to need so much reassurance that they may insist upon always having access to their partners’ phones so they can go through messages to search for subterfuge, instead of respecting their privacy.
Furthermore, they may try to forbid each other from spending time with specific people who make them feel insecure.
7. You’re both fully actualized adults.
If you’re emotionally interdependent in your relationship, you’ve likely both been through a lot in your own lives, grown from each experience, and are aware of your strengths and weaknesses.
Of course, you support one another, but you’re capable of regulating your own emotions, and you can “hold your own hand” in difficult situations rather than relying solely on others.
That doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t prefer to have each other with you if you get rushed to the hospital or have to plan a family funeral, but you’d also be fully capable of doing these things alone if you needed to, without falling apart.
Their company is welcome in these scenarios, and difficulty shared with a loved one is usually easier to bear, but you know that you’re both capable of handling whatever life may throw at you.
8. You feel safe expressing differing opinions.
Emotionally dependent people are often so afraid of sabotaging or otherwise damaging their relationships that they won’t discuss things that could potentially upset their partners.
For example, they may not voice conflicting opinions in order to avoid possible arguments. Similarly, they may not establish boundaries or discuss personal preferences. They’re so afraid of losing their partner that they choose to lose their individuality instead.
In contrast, interdependent couples feel fully comfortable expressing their differing opinions, and might even enjoy healthy debates from time to time.
They aren’t worried about potentially driving each other away by having the audacity to disagree.
Instead, they can agree to disagree, respect each other’s perspectives, and even broaden their own horizons by learning more about why the other feels and thinks the way they do.
Final thoughts…
If you and your partner are both secure in yourselves, it’s much easier to form a strong, healthy, interdependent bond with one another.
Furthermore, you aren’t bogged down by the weight of responsibility that comes with being another person’s support pillar.
A healthy dynamic like this will stand the test of time, because one isn’t perpetually being weighed down or depleted by the other.
It’s a partnership of equals who lean on one another from time to time, but can stand tall as individuals as well.
