Some people wear their insecurities on their sleeves, and you can tell instantly that their self-esteem is subterranean. Others, however, manage to maintain the illusion of self-confidence so well that few will clue into the anxieties that roil just beneath the surface.
In many cases, the only way others will become aware of these people’s self-doubt is when they slip up and accidentally reveal how insecure they are. Here are some of the most common ways that they may unintentionally let their deep-seated scaredy cat out of the bag.
1. They look around for approval any time they say or do something.
These people care far too much about what others think. Whenever they speak or take part in a particular action, they’ll scan the faces of those around them to determine how others think and feel about them. According to Psych Central, they’re looking for signs that other people accept who they are or what they’ve done. They’re looking for smiles, smirks, nods of approval, and even applause — whatever will help to validate that they’ve done a Good Job here.
In contrast, if they look around and notice that others are avoiding looking at them or turning away from them, indicating that they’ve made an embarrassing social gaffe, they’ll either swiftly change the subject or withdraw into themselves because they feel humiliated. They might even find an excuse to leave the area, either going for a protracted restroom break or suddenly being called away by an emergency at home that they need to attend to.
2. They cannot admit ignorance.
“I don’t know” isn’t in this person’s vocabulary. At all. They find it almost impossible to admit they’re wrong or that they don’t know something. In fact, they’re likely to bluster and play along as though they’re experts in any given subject, and will get aggressive or belligerent if anyone confronts them about their actual ignorance on the subject. Basically, they’re more likely to start insulting someone (or threaten to pummel them) to defend their own pride than admit that they don’t know what they’re talking about.
I once lived with someone who behaved in this manner, and he was incredibly difficult to deal with. He would never admit to not knowing something, and would use obfuscation or misdirection to distract those who tried to call him on his ignorance. Then, if pressed, he would simply start shouting in an attempt to overpower those whom he felt were disrespecting him.
3. They badmouth those they’re threatened by.
According to Psychology Spot, if a person feels inferior to another, they seek out details or issues to criticize them about in order to level the playing field (or gain the advantage). In a work environment, they may find areas in which the object of their disdain struggles and mock them for it. For example, if a colleague of theirs is excelling in their work and is either upstaging them or threatening their promotion, they may call attention to this person’s weight or occasional spelling errors so others focus on their supposed shortcomings.
In other situations, they may imply that the one they’re threatened by isn’t nearly as cool or capable as they appear to be. They might suggest that this person earned their accolades via nepotism, sleeping around, or buying others’ support, or that they have serious ghosts in their past that others would be shocked by if they found out — anything to discredit and lessen them in other people’s eyes.
4. They’re quick to ostracise those who intimidate them.
A big giveaway that reveals someone is rampantly insecure is when they attempt to ostracize someone from your social circle. For whatever reason, they feel jealous and threatened by that individual and thereby seek to remove them from a position in which they can hurt or undermine them in any way. Depending on who they are and what their personality is like, they may imply that the one they want to remove has been inappropriate towards them and is therefore making them uncomfortable, or they might try to dig up dirt on them that would justify their expulsion.
This type of behavior can be very hurtful to the one being ostracized, especially if their actions have only ever been friendly and benign. Furthermore, being cast out like this can have negative repercussions in their wider circles. Most people assume that where there’s smoke, there must be fire, and might distance themselves just in case the rumors about this individual may be true. Many people have had their lives ruined by false accusations from insecure people who are seeking to further their own agendas.
5. They become incendiary after asking for feedback.
Your friend might ask you to give them some feedback about something they’re working on, but they aren’t looking for an honest response. Instead, they’re looking for reassurance that what they’re doing is spectacularly amazing — any mention of plot holes, flaccid tropes, or unrealistic circumstances will cause them to burst into flames of fiery rage in your direction.
Insecure people often merge their egos with their creations and thus take even the most constructive criticism personally. In their minds, they’re inextricable from the babies they create, so telling them that the Werewolf Paladin Timecop they’re writing about might want to use a sword instead of a mace might be enough to tip them into a self-loathing breakdown spiral.
6. Flirting with your partner.
This can just be a shameful attempt to swoop your partner, but it can also reveal an insecurity. The individual doing the flirting is, in fact, threatened by you on some level and is thereby attempting to take something from you and validate themselves in the process. In all likelihood, they wouldn’t have approached your partner if you weren’t dating them. They might not be attracted to them at all, and their only interest is in “winning” your partner away from you.
In their mind, if your partner can be convinced to leave you and date them instead, it proves they’re actually a worthwhile person of value. That they’re a coveted partner who is more worthy of love, affection, and devotion than you are. As such, when your partner inevitably turns them down and tells them off, it reinforces and feeds the insecurity that inspired the poor behavior to begin with.
7. Becoming excessively competitive over something trivial.
If you’ve ever seen someone go from 0 to 100 over something truly insignificant, you know what I’m talking about here. One minute this person seems fine, but as soon as something sets them off — usually concerning another person “besting” them at something that their ego is attached to — they go red-faced and start screaming obscenities.
This is akin to someone going way too hard in the ring after being invited for a light sparring session. They’ll fight as if their honour is on the line, and they refuse to countenance the possibility of losing. They don’t even let up if their opponent taps out, and like a bulldog with a jerky treat, they’ll only let go after repeated signals are given that the other has submitted. They want ultimate victory, and will gloat about it smugly for ages afterward.
8. Adjusting their clothes.
Another “tell” that an individual is deeply insecure is if they keep adjusting their clothes, hair, or other aspects of their appearance. For example, if someone keeps pulling their top loosely away from their abdomen, this could indicate that they used to be significantly overweight and that behavior became a reflex rather than a conscious action. On a subconscious level, they still feel insecure about their body and try to hide the midriff that used to be protrusive, even if it hasn’t been for years. Of course, body language can be misinterpreted (and often is), so it’s always important to take it in context rather than in isolation.
The same might be said for someone who’s insecure about any other part of their body. Others might try to overcompensate for perceived shortcomings by choosing clothing items that augment or deceive, rather than reveal. One might wear a girdle or other shapewear under their clothes, while another might only ever wear boots or shoes with a high heel to make up for their shorter stature.
Final thoughts…
Unless someone is a Buddhist monk who has abandoned ego trappings in their entirety, there’s a good chance they’re insecure about something. The key is to sit with this insecurity without self-condemnation, and then work on improving it. Only when this insecurity is repressed will it gain strength and grow.
Those who accidentally show their insecurities may seem insufferable at times, but they’re behaving this way due to deep-seated pain and likely aren’t ready to work through it yet. It’s best to be patient with them while simultaneously ensuring that they know you won’t tolerate disrespect or mistreatment.
