What does it mean to take up space, exactly? While we’ve heard this phrase used in reference to people spreading themselves across subway seats rather obnoxiously, it also refers to allowing yourself to be seen and heard by others rather than choosing to fade into the background.
Unfortunately, many people have been encouraged to stay still and quiet so they don’t steal the spotlight from others. They were never told that they were also allowed to step into the light from time to time. Here’s how you can start taking up space, unapologetically, rather than perpetually shrinking yourself so others can shine.
1. Stop making yourself physically small.
Take note of your posture and body language when you’re in other people’s company. Do you lounge in a relaxed state with an open posture? Or do you hunch your shoulders and try to make yourself appear as tiny as possible? Many of us learned to shrink ourselves in others’ presence, especially to avoid mistreatment. Being small means being less visible, which offers the illusion of being safer.
I grew up in an abusive environment and attempted to become as unobtrusive as possible. That never helped to keep me safe, however. It was only when I unfurled to my full height, gained in both physical and emotional strength, and moved with confident purpose, that others stopped mistreating me.
2. Refuse to be rushed.
Many of us have experienced situations where others have tried to rush us through our pursuits so they can get on with theirs. They’ll inform us that they’re leaving in X minutes, and if we aren’t ready, then they’ll leave without us. Or when shopping, they’re able to pore over their interests for ages while we’re told to simply pick something and get on with it.
Why should you have to rush while they are allowed all the time in the world? Forget that noise. Take as much time as you need for whatever you’re doing, and let them wait for a change. Similarly, if you’re in the middle of doing something, refuse to drop it and give them your full attention until you’re ready to do so on your own terms. NOT theirs.
Yes, relationships need give and take, but that should be reciprocal, not one person giving and the other always taking.
3. Speak up when upset rather than remaining quiet for the sake of harmony.
If you’re uncomfortable with confrontation, there’s a good chance that you’ve tried to make yourself small when situations have become uncomfortable. After all, if you stayed quiet and kept your eyes averted, there was a good chance that you would remain unnoticed and wouldn’t be drawn into the fight. Alternatively, you might have been encouraged to remain silent for the sake of keeping the peace (such as in family disagreements), when you would have preferred to speak up.
This has likely resulted in you experiencing frustration and anger on numerous occasions — both at those around you and at yourself. Instead of shrinking and getting quieter, give voice to your thoughts and opinions (assuming it’s safe to do so). Let people be angry or upset with you if they want to be, but know that you’re strong and assertive enough to express yourself with confidence, especially when you know that it’s the right thing to do.
4. Let others come to you instead of going to them.
I don’t know about you, but one day several years ago, when I was with a former partner, I woke up and realized that when I wanted to talk to him, I’d go and find him and check to see if he was free to chat… whereas he would just bellow my name from wherever he was in the house and expect me to head over there.
If you’ve been doing this too, it’s time to stop. You deserve just as much courtesy and respect as anyone else, and it’s not your job to stop whatever you’re doing and go running every time someone demands your attention. If they want to speak to you, then they can seek you out and approach you with respect.
5. Embrace your authenticity even if it makes others uncomfortable.
What have you tamped down in your life in order to make yourself more palatable to others? From aspects of your appearance to life choices you’ve made, analyze how many of them have been rooted in authenticity rather than the yearning to be accepted and approved of. Essentially, how have you changed and adapted yourself to fit, instead of changing your environment (where possible) to conform to you?
It’s time to leave that type of behavior in the past. Now is the time to embrace being a creature of will and iron-clad authenticity. This may require you to make some big changes in your life, especially if you’ve been living a lie in order to please others.
For example, are you aching to live alone instead of being married? Pursue a same-sex relationship? Or move to another country to live out the rest of your days? Prioritize your happiness over others’ comfort levels, and you’ll experience far greater fulfillment than you ever would by remaining tightly bound by others’ expectations.
6. Realize you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone else’s satisfaction.
People often use the demand for explanations to inveigle themselves into your decision-making process. For example, they’ll ask what your plans are in order to undermine them, so that you’ll prioritize their pursuits instead. As such, you may find yourself in a position where you’re expected to justify your day-to-day existence, and possibly apologize if it doesn’t align with another’s wants.
Not only does this cost you an enormous amount of time and energy, but it’s completely unnecessary. If you want to follow your chosen pursuit, you don’t have to clear it with anyone first. (Well, it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor first if you plan on bungee jumping, but that’s about it.) Your life is your own, and you don’t need anyone’s approval or permission to live it. Yes, some discussion is to be expected if you have a partner and dependents, but you shouldn’t always be the one justifying (and sacrificing) your wants and needs.
7. Be as vivacious as you’d like to be.
There’s a common saying that women in perimenopause generally go in one of two directions: they go beige or go big. Essentially, these women either shrink, hiding their light so they fade into the background, or they choose to stop caring what anyone else thinks of them and turn themselves into masterpieces.
Of course, this point doesn’t just apply to women, but it is often women who are conditioned not to take up space.
Have you always wanted to dye your hair a bright color, take up burlesque, or transform your home into a celebration of 1980s nostalgia? Go for it! Regardless of your age or gender, you can choose to become the most unique, vivacious version of yourself as possible, without the need to justify yourself to anyone.
8. Don’t leave or move to make way for someone else.
If you were raised to always put other people’s happiness or desires ahead of your own, you may have learned to give up the things you were enjoying just in case someone else would like them instead. For example, if you’re sitting in the comfiest chair at your place and your partner comes home, you may instinctively get up and offer it to them because you feel that they somehow deserve that experience more than you do.
Make a conscious effort to stop doing that. Unless someone genuinely needs (not wants) something more than you, there is no reason why they should be prioritized over you, particularly if it is something that you do actually need.
So go to a coffee shop alone with a book and sit there for as long as you like. If you’re watching something and someone else joins you, don’t relinquish control of the remote so they can interrupt what you were doing in favor of their own preferences. You have just as much of a right to enjoy your space as anyone else does, so step into it fully.
9. Don’t allow anyone to interrupt you.
Most of us have been interrupted, talked over, or had our conversations derailed at some point in our lives. It’s worth pointing out that it doesn’t always come from a place of malice, superiority, or disrespect. Some people are simply wired that way, and it’s often actually a sign that they’re excited about the conversation.
That said, it can be frustrating, particularly when you’ve been conditioned to shrink yourself rather than take back control of the conversation. Similarly, a lot of us have experienced situations in which we haven’t been listened to or had our responses respected, so we’ve been forced to repeat ourselves over and over again.
No more of that. If someone interrupts you, let them know that you’re not finished or redirect the conversation back to what you were saying. Similarly, if you’ve stated something once and the person you’re speaking to tries to change your mind or get a different answer, simply say, “I have already answered this, and will not repeat myself.”
Final thoughts…
You are completely allowed to occupy the spaces you’re in with confidence and assertiveness. Furthermore, you have every right to be seen and heard, rather than scurrying away into the shadows to make way for someone you think is more worthy than you are.
Darling, you are a sacred manifestation of the universe in human form, and it’s time to step into that strength to embody it. No apologies or explanations are needed. Just live your life as you will, filling each space with your light, your energy, and most importantly, your joy.
