Many people experience something in midlife that others refer to as a “crisis.” Some turn their lives upside-down by reinventing themselves. Others have affairs, quit their jobs, buy sports cars, or take up extreme physical fitness goals like doing triathlons or taking up pole dancing.
These behaviors are often caused by a cocktail of hormonal and physical changes, the sudden awareness of limited time to meet goals, and the reality of our ever-imminent mortality. If you’ve been experiencing restlessness in your middle years due to any of these factors, here’s how to transform them into joy and fulfilment that will actually last.
1. Determine what no longer fits you (literally and figuratively).
Our bodies fluctuate and change as we get older, so the clothes filling our closets and dressers may not fit the same way they did years before, if at all. As a result, going through them and trying things on gives us the chance to figure out what to hold onto and what to donate or discard. Even some of the things that still fit fairly well may no longer be to our liking: our tastes change, and something we once completely adored may be truly appalling to us now.
The same thing goes for anything else in our lives. What once filled us with joy, confidence, or satisfaction may now be viewed with apathy or even contempt. Take a look at everything around you: your job, your home and surroundings, your social life, and so on. Ask yourself what your life would look like if you placed your own joy and satisfaction as top priority rather than how others may be affected by your actions.
2. Take note of what you pay the most attention to.
When I hit my mid-forties, I mentioned to a friend of mine that I felt restless and unhappy in my daily life. I felt that something was “missing” — that I should be doing something else that was more fulfilling to me, but I had no idea what it was. She responded with what should have been the most glaringly obvious answer, telling me to go through all the images I had saved or bookmarked on my phone, Pinterest boards, social media, etc.
The things we pay the most attention to are the ones that are the most important to us, whether we’re consciously aware of them or not. I had saved countless images of hobbies I wanted to do and books I was aching to read, but didn’t seem to have time for.
I realized that for as long as I could remember, all my time had been spent working or on other responsibilities, and I hadn’t read a book in months, nor done anything creative for years. The version of me who used to read voraciously and create beauty with my hands had been set aside for the sake of obligation. That awareness inspired me to delegate more tasks to those around me and prioritize rest and downtime so I could read and create once again.
3. Be honest with yourself about your relationships.
A startling number of people reach midlife and discover that they’ve been enduring various relationships in their lives rather than enjoying them. Some finally wake up to the fact that their partnership fizzled out a long time ago, and they were only still together for comfortable convenience. Others recognize that they’ve developed unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with toxic relatives they’d rather avoid at all costs.
If the thought of spending significantly more time with the people who make you uncomfortable or unfulfilled makes you feel like you’re screaming on the inside, then some changes need to be made. Determine what steps you need to take to live more happily and authentically, such as establishing healthy boundaries or taking some space and time for yourself. These actions can help you to determine which direction you need to head in next.
4. Ask yourself what you set aside, and whether it needs to be picked back up.
Many of us set aside some of our greatest dreams and aspirations to prioritize family, work, and similar obligations. Those dreams usually don’t die or go away, however. They are simply put in boxes and tucked away to languish and gather dust in the dark. A feeling of restlessness in midlife can sometimes come from those dusty boxes rattling around in the internal cupboards where they’ve been neglected for so many years.
When you get a chance, make a cup of tea, sit somewhere quiet, and take those boxes out so you can take a good look inside them. You may no longer have any interest in some of the contents, but if you take some of them out and find treasures within — things that still mean a great deal to you — then those are worth bringing out into the light so you can explore them further. This point in your life may grant you the opportunity to finally make those old dreams a reality.
5. Prioritize the goals you’d like to achieve.
One of the main reasons why people can feel restless in their forties and beyond is the feeling that there’s only so much time left to achieve things that are important to them. Most of us put things off until later, when the time is right, when we have enough money, when things aren’t as busy, and so on… until all of a sudden we realize that there’s a lot less time to do those things than we thought we had.
The restlessness you’re feeling may be your spirit champing at the bit to finally do the things you’ve been putting off for later. If you have the means, don’t wait until you’re older. Travel while you’re still healthy enough to do so, even if that means travelling on your own. Look into options for that degree you’ve always wanted to get. Find out whether you can afford property in that little village you fell in love with 20 years ago. Whatever your soul is aching for most, find out how you can make it a reality.
6. Evaluate whether your health aligns with your goals (or your vision of who you want to be).
Life can get really busy and stressful, and our health can suffer because of it. Many people reach midlife and realize that they don’t recognize themselves in the mirror anymore. Those who have spent years being sedentary at office jobs, grabbing fast food they haven’t had time to cook (or grocery shop, really), and living with spiked cortisol levels from constant stress, may find that their joints are screaming and they struggle to walk up a flight of stairs without catching their breath.
We don’t have to crumble to dust when we hit 40 to 50, though. Many people take midlife as an opportunity to get their health in order, whether it’s getting back into shape, pursuing entirely new health and fitness goals, or simply making a concerted effort to be a bit more active and eat a few more veg.
Book some time with your healthcare providers to determine what your nutritional needs are at this time in your life, what kind of exercise you’d benefit from the most (which is feasible for your unique needs), and how to adjust your everyday schedule to help meet your goals. It’s not a one-size-fits-all approach, and the best regimen is always going to be the one you can actually stick to, however that looks for you.
7. Establish a solid retirement plan.
One of the reasons why a lot of people feel restless in midlife is because they’re anxious about how they’re going to handle retirement. Uncertainty about the future can weigh heavily on a person, leading to feelings of being trapped and wanting to escape their own skin. Some people end up snapping at those close to them because they’re worried, or they may hoard resources like canned goods because they’re afraid of going without.
If you can, talk to a financial planner about your retirement options, and put a plan into action that will ensure your comfort and security once you’re no longer working. Knowing that you have a solid framework of support can help to allay a great deal of the restlessness you’ve been struggling with and provide you with much more mental and emotional security.
Final thoughts…
Far from being the beginning of the end, midlife grants us a great opportunity to revisit our priorities and determine which adjustments need to be made to our lives in order to experience real fulfillment in the second act.
