Stubbornness isn’t the same as persistence, and the way to determine that is to unpick the motivation behind it. With persistence, you want to aim for that goal you’ve got in your mind. You want to keep trying, and you are willing to make changes to get there.
Stubbornness is that ‘digging your heels into the ground’ and ‘refusing to adapt’ attitude. Of course, it’s a little more complex than that, though, once you start exploring it. And I think it’s important to explore it, because if you aren’t careful, that stubbornness can ruin your life, especially if you regularly do these 9 things.
1. Turning every disagreement into a battle.
As the late, great Tom Petty once sang, “I won’t back down.” A classic, I’m sure you’ll agree, but how many of you can relate? And if you’re getting involved in a discussion, and that discussion builds to a disagreement, who isn’t the one to back down? Is it you?
People who encourage battles where there could be civil disagreement generally just want the conversation or disagreement to sway their way. Why else would they keep pushing until the narrative felt good enough to finally quit?
It’s impossible to see this as anything other than stubbornness. Though it often stems from a deep-seated, ego-driven fear that if their point isn’t validated, neither are they. It’s a person who isn’t happy unless their point is not only heard but ultimately agreed with. And it leaves everyone in their wake feeling exhausted and trampled over.
You can remain passionate about your opinions without dismissing other people’s. The two things aren’t mutually exclusive, and learning that leads to much happier relationships.
2. Saying sorry is impossible.
“Okay, look. Some unfortunate things were said.” “I accept it didn’t go to plan.” “I can see you are hurt about that.” “It was an error.” “If you hadn’t…”
Just say the word! It isn’t Voldemort!
Yet, sorry is so hard for people who are too stubborn-minded to be that vulnerable. It feels like a threat to their identity and self-worth. Like saying sorry means admitting defeat, and defeat means they are weak rather than simply human.
And often, they just honestly don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. So through gritted teeth, they’ll try to say something that sounds a little like an apology, but which isn’t really, just to appease the other person.
3. They can’t admit when they’re wrong.
I know and grew up around a few people who will never admit to being at fault. It’s a particularly toxic kind of stubbornness because it means there is rarely any growth on their part or resolution for the problem at hand. In relationships and life in general, they are doomed to make the same mistakes over and over because they never learn.
It’s a pattern that often starts early, in those whose childhoods taught them to fear failure.
Even so, it’s incredibly frustrating to deal with. There is no accountability with these people, so when they push your buttons or make a mistake, they will only blame you for it the moment you try to call them out.
Admitting you’re wrong means being able to lay down your defenses and swallow your pride. It’s an act that is simply too difficult – even impossible – for those who are stubborn.
4. They can’t shift their mindset, even when presented with new information.
All-or-nothing thinking gets a bad rep, but it’s worth noting that it does serve a useful purpose. It conserves mental energy in the face of complexity and allows rapid decision-making. Without it, we would be quickly overwhelmed. Under the right circumstances, it also brings with it a passion and fierce sense of justice that we could do with more of at times.
That said, the world is rarely only one thing or another, and when you choose to see things one way only, there’s no room for that sometimes necessary space in between.
“You won’t change my mind!” “I am not going to debate this; I think what I think!” Minds can literally become stuck, and I can’t imagine how that must feel, because my mind bounces back and forth like a ping pong ball. I see people’s points of view, and I can change mine if presented with the right evidence that sways me.
It’s worth noting here that we’re not talking about the sort of all-or-nothing thinking that arises from neurological differences such as autism. Stubbornness is more of an active refusal to see the shades of grey rather than a neurological difficulty in seeing it.
To have a mind that not only refuses to change, but that refuses to see the beauty in shifting must feel like some kind of trap that you don’t even realize you’re stuck in.
5. They hold a grudge for as long as it takes.
Stubbornness can act as a way to protect the person who is stubborn. My son is only 12, and boy, can he hold a grudge. But under those grudges is a person who was hurt, and his grudges protect him. Of course, he won’t see it that way (mumble, grumble), but he thinks never forgetting being wronged by someone is a continuation of holding them accountable.
It’s not.
It’s holding onto anger because you don’t want to let your guard down again and risk getting hurt once more by that person. If you forgive, it’s almost like you accept what they did. With a grudge, the acceptance never gets a chance to rise up.
But ultimately, grudges cause the most pain to the one holding them. Because often, the person on the receiving end of your grudge has long since forgotten about you and moved on to enjoy their life. I am trying to teach this to my son, but naturally, he will learn in his own time.
6. New ways, ideas, or methods are resisted.
A few years ago, my son got his football stuck on the outhouse roof. I tried so hard to sweep behind it with a broom and pull it towards me. Honestly, I was there for about twenty minutes. My son came out, scratched his head, and said, “Why don’t you just push it to the other side, and I’ll go out the front and get it?”
Well damn! I could have growled and said, “I’m doing it my way, leave me alone!” And I would have wasted a lot of time and energy if I had. But instead, I laughed. “You’re a genius!” I pushed the ball with the broom, and voila!
As embarrassed as I was that I’d clearly missed a trick, I took on board this idea, and it worked. My son was smug for the rest of the day, and that was fine by me.
But to a stubborn person, “How about…?” “Why don’t you…?” “Have you ever tried to do it like this…?” is like setting a stick of dynamite underneath them.
You’d better step back, because you’re about to see a person explode.
They believe there are no new ways to approach life or that their way is the only correct way, and things take longer or cause them more frustration as a result.
7. They avoid reaching out and asking for help.
Note the word avoid. It isn’t that they don’t need help, but rather they don’t want to admit to wanting help. Their stubbornness means they would rather choose to go it alone, but that usually stems from a more complex root.
It’s likely that at some point in their lives, stubborn self-reliance became their preferred alternative to being called a pain or a burden for needing help. The criticism that may have come from asking would have been too frequent and painful, and so the only answer was to do things without asking for help.
There are people out there who were thrown into very adult roles as kids, being carers, or having too many responsibilities from a young age. In their eyes, why would they ask for help when they’ve been doing it themselves for decades?
But over time, it can cost a person to continue those refusals, and you can end up feeling very lonely as a result.
8. They’d rather be right than preserve a relationship.
How can the preference to be right overtake the desire for a strong relationship? You’d be surprised. When it comes to stubbornness, people resolutely and intentionally refuse to change. It’s no wonder they hit roadblocks in their life with others. It damages relationships by preventing growth and forward movement, as well as triggering the defensive side of a stubborn person.
I’ll go even further now and reveal that, according to one therapist, rigidity is the number one cause of marriage and relationship failures among her clients. Isn’t that just the scariest thing? Somebody would rather be stubborn than hold on to their relationship and find some kind of common ground of compromise or open-mindedness.
If you’re losing connections with loved ones left, right, and center due to your stubbornness, I’d say that it’s definitely costing you dearly. Nobody wants to end up alone, after all.
9. The last word always has to be theirs.
If you find yourself wanting the last word, it’s likely that a big part of you wants to be able to get closure from the conversation you’re having, and you won’t quit until you get it.
“Fine.” “Okay then.” “Yep.”
Those quick quips after somebody has voiced their final thoughts are rarely because you are acknowledging them; they are because you want to win. You want to draw the lines of the conversation, so you contain it with your last words.
But what this does to the other person is show your need – maybe even obsession – to dominate. It can be quite narcissistic, but ultimately, it’s argumentative and usually just escalates things even more. Either that, or it just teaches the other person to check out and not bother raising anything important with you in the future.
Final thoughts…
I had a few people in mind when I wrote this article. In my life, there are those whom I have to bite my lip around. I understand their stubbornness comes from a place of insecurity, entitlement, narcissism, or closed-mindedness (sometimes a blend of all!). What I don’t understand is how it could possibly add positivity to their lives.
I think any of the above things that are done regularly are a sure sign that stubbornness is ruining your life, rather than adding any enrichment to it. Do you see yourself in any of this, and if so, are you willing to give me the last word on it?
Oh… go on!
