There are a lot of people out there who have a hard time with direct confrontation. People who come from abusive or emotionally neglectful childhoods or domestic violence may learn passive-aggression as a second language just to survive.
They can’t say what they truly want to say without getting hurt, so they learn to say it without saying it.
Unfortunately, that which helps you survive toxicity can destroy healthy relationships. Passive-aggression doesn’t work in healthy relationships because it just causes resentment and hurt feelings. And a lot of the time, the person being passive-aggressive doesn’t even realize they’re doing it. These behaviors may indicate that you have some more work to do to heal those wounds.
1. You reply with “I’m fine” when you’re not fine.
“I’m fine” or “it’s fine” is often a passive-aggressive phrase that some use to mask their true feelings. Sometimes, they make their feelings incredibly apparent through their body language while using this phrase. For example, like crossed arms and looking away when this isn’t their usual body language. They expect other people to read their mind and know when they’re not fine based on context clues instead of words.
That can be a big problem in relationships because if you rely on the other person to interpret you, they may just not get it. Alternatively, they may get tired of trying to guess and just give up.
A healthy relationship cannot thrive in that environment. Healthy relationships require open, honest communication about feelings – especially the negative ones. If you’re unhappy, angry, or sad, then you need to express that so the other person knows what’s actually going on. Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not fine will just make things worse.
2. You ask leading questions instead of just stating your opinions.
“Don’t you think you should…?” is a passive-aggressive way for a person to express an opinion without coming out and saying it. They may not feel safe to express what they truly feel, for whatever reason. They could have some contrary points of view, or they may just not feel comfortable expressing themselves openly.
Healthy communication requires a more direct statement than that. A passive-aggressive person who is trying to lead someone else to their conclusion would get there much faster if they just came out and said it. But, if they did that, then they would be opening themselves up to disagreement or other people knowing what they truly think.
I once knew a woman who would never express her opinions openly because of domestic violence. She was “taught” that it wasn’t safe to have an opinion because it would get her hit or degraded. Instead, she would try to guide other people gently to the conclusion that she wanted them to reach, as she did with her abusive ex-husband.
It was understandable that she acted that way when she was under the threat of violence, but it didn’t translate well in healthy relationships.
3. You make digs at people through subtle “jokes” in order to hide behind humor.
A passive-aggressive person who is angry or frustrated will rarely come out and directly say that. Instead, they may hide their negative feelings behind flimsy statements that they have rationalized can be perceived as jokes. For example:
“Wow! Look who finally decided to show up!” The individual is annoyed with the other person being late to the function, and won’t just say that. This way, if the new arrival complains about their bad attitude, they can fall back on, “It’s just a joke! It’s not that serious.”
Another good indicator is when they’re called out, they say something that makes it the other person’s problem, like “Relax. It was just a joke.” Or “Why are you taking it so seriously?” But it’s not a joke if it hurts. It’s not a joke if you are creating a situation where there is pressure on the other person to either laugh along with you or be labeled as “too sensitive.”
That’s passive-aggression because it’s inherently hostile – accept it or be ostracized.
4. You hope other people feel bad for disappointing you instead of telling them that.
There’s a disconnect for passive-aggressive people where they would rather hide in safe obscurity instead of confronting difficult issues. Telling someone that you were let down or disappointed in their behavior requires vulnerability. It opens you up to disappointment if that person doesn’t really care or sees no problem with what they did.
Furthermore, it can feel like you’re gaining some power and sense of control over the situation by defining how that person can feel. If you withhold the potential for resolution, and they do feel bad, then you may find yourself delighting in knowing that. It’s not a healthy way to live, and it’s the kind of thing that builds resentment in relationships.
And as we all know, resentment is a common killer of relationships.
5. You procrastinate on shared responsibilities as a way to communicate anger.
There are few things more annoying than someone who is mad at you, then chooses to drag their feet to get back at you. I once knew a guy who used to do this to his wife a lot. If at any time she upset or displeased him, he would completely drag his feet on helping around the house. Or, alternatively, he would wait until an inconvenient time to do what he was supposed to do, like doing the vacuuming when she was trying to watch her shows.
Again, this kind of behavior fuels resentment. If you purposefully needle someone like this, they aren’t just going to submit. Or, they may for a while, until they figure out what’s actually going on. Then, when they figure out what’s going on, it’s going to devolve into a huge fight. Direct communication is the far better option.
6. You avoid setting clear boundaries, then resent when people don’t respect them.
Learning how to set boundaries can be difficult if you’ve never felt safe to do so. The thing about boundaries is that they often come with discomfort. It can be hard to say “no” if you’re used to being a people-pleaser or you’ve been conditioned to be agreeable. You have to get used to not just saying your boundaries out loud, but also sitting in the discomfort that can come with it.
The good news is that it gets easier as you do it more and more. What you’ll find is that most reasonable people, the people that you want around you, will be open and receptive to your reasonable boundaries. If they’re not, then they aren’t the right people for you. That is a clear sign that you should keep it moving and keep looking for your people.
7. You make other people chase clarity.
You may be engaging in this behavior if you find yourself using phrases like “I don’t care” or “whatever you want” when you actually do have a preference. Then, you may find yourself feeling angry or resentful that your priorities aren’t respected or your needs aren’t being met. Again, it boils down to stepping into the discomfort of a potential disagreement.
You can’t expect other people to read your mind to make you happy when you have a preference. Once they get frustrated enough, they may just stop asking altogether or just accept these fishing phrases as the gospel truth.
Closing thoughts…
Passive-aggression can poison your relationships and cause them to slowly decay. It’s just as damaging as having open and regular fights over petty things. The resentment builds, trust breaks, and the relationship will inevitably crumble.
Instead, it’s a better idea to focus on working on your communication and willingness to sit in discomfort. The better you can do that, the healthier relationships you can have because problems will actually be resolved instead of just punted down the road to deal with later.
