Many of us have spent a long time either stuck in survival mode or in a sort of fugue state in which everything around us felt like a dark, surreal fog. If you’ve ever come out of anesthesia after surgery, it feels a lot like that: like things are slowly coming into focus again after being blurred for years.
When that starts to lift, and things around you start to become clear again, many unexpected emotions can rise to the surface to be dealt with. And if you’re not expecting them, they can be harder to process. The ones we’re going to talk about here are the most common ones that you might experience.
1. Confusion as to how you got to this point.
If you’ve experienced the feeling of wondering where the hell you are and how you got there, that’s completely normal. When you’ve been in survival mode for a long time, you put every ounce of strength you have towards what’s needed just to get through the day. Then you do the same thing the following day, and the one after that.
All of a sudden, you wake up one morning to realize that several years may have passed and you have few memories about any of them. You’re confused as to how you got here, and where “you” have been all this time. It may feel like you’ve been looking in on someone else’s life, watching it all happen from a place of detached observation, rather than firsthand experience.
2. Regret about losing time.
While processing the feeling of confusion about where you are now and how you got there, regret is bound to rear its head about all the time you feel that you’ve wasted. It’s like you blinked and suddenly discovered that years have passed while you were in a haze of darkness and duty.
This has the potential to launch you into a deep funk of depression and remorse. You may feel inclined to bitterness because you didn’t get a chance to do various things while you had more strength and energy to do so, forgetting that you were in that darkness due to overwhelming factors that were beyond your control.
Rather than gazing backwards in grief, turn your gaze forward towards the immensely beautiful paths opening ahead of you instead.
3. Hypervigilance or “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
People who have experienced horrible things and managed to free themselves from them (either alone or with help) are often terrified of sliding back into the abyss they managed to claw out of.
As a result, even though things are looking up for you now, you may find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Basically, things feel like they’re too good to be true; like you don’t deserve them somehow, so you’re afraid of lowering your guard and actually enjoying them fully.
Bracing yourself for inevitable pain and disappointment is completely understandable. It’s a self-defense mechanism that most people who have experienced hardship have developed.
The key here is to try to remember that you no longer need to be on high alert all the time, because that can prevent you from truly enjoying your new life. Instead, keep in mind that you have proven yourself capable of handling even the most difficult circumstances.
Be present and mindful, and only deal with any issues if and when they unfold, rather than being hypervigilant or dealing with unnecessary, anticipatory stress over hypothetical issues.
4. Excitement (even elation) at potential avenues opening up for you.
One of the most positive things about rebuilding your life piece by piece is that you’re essentially working with a blank slate. Instead of feeling trapped and smothered by your circumstances, you suddenly feel like there’s an endless vista of possibility opening up before you.
Do you want to switch careers? Or maybe travel for a while? How about starting that business you’ve always daydreamed about? Life might now feel like that scene from the Wizard of Oz in which the black-and-white film gave way to glorious Technicolor. It can literally feel as though your world has opened up, and there are no limits to what you can do or where you can go from here.
5. Sensory overwhelm.
The downside to everything suddenly coming into colorful focus is that you may feel overwhelmed by it all. You’re doing the emotional and mental equivalent of stepping from a darkened room into a psytrance rave. As a result, everything around you may seem too bright, too loud, and simply “too much” overall.
It’s more than okay to retreat into a calming space when you feel overstimulated. Furthermore, there’s no shame in using aids like earplugs or sunglasses to help tone down your experiences. Whatever coping mechanisms you need to help you through this transitional time are completely valid.
6. The strong impulse to burn everything (metaphorically) and start anew.
Many people who find themselves rebuilding their lives piece by piece when the darkness they’ve been mired in finally lifts have an incredibly powerful urge to metaphorically burn everything around them to the ground, so they can start anew with a clean slate.
I know one woman who packed up the few items she truly cared about and booked a one-way ticket to Tibet. She ended up backpacking around Asia and eventually found a job at a hotel in the Maldives.
This woman never even gave notice at her work: she simply didn’t show up. She had a lawyer serve her husband with divorce papers on her behalf, and none of her friends or family members have seen her in person in nearly 15 years now.
Of course, not everyone will take actions as extreme as this, and it isn’t necessarily wise to, but the urge to start over again from scratch is immensely powerful after spending so long in a dark state.
7. Uncertainty about who you are.
When you’ve been in survival mode for years, you’re essentially functioning on autopilot. All the energy you had in the world was being put towards keeping your head above water, so you didn’t drown, and you spent little to no time on personal pursuits.
As a result, when you finally break through the darkness, you may not have much of an idea of who you are anymore. Now that you aren’t simply surviving, you have the opportunity to do hobbies again or enjoy media that you sincerely like. But what do those entail?
You’ll need to take tentative steps in several directions to figure out what you like (and dislike), and who you are on a fundamental level. This can be very disorienting, and even scary at times — especially if you’re learning to live authentically instead of adapting yourself to other people’s needs all the time.
8. Dissociation regarding your own experiences.
This won’t apply to everyone, but depending on what sort of darkness you’re emerging from, and how traumatic it was, it’s worth keeping in mind.
I have complex PTSD (C-PTSD), so I’m missing memories for over half of my life. As a result, I can look at photos of myself from various functions I apparently attended in the past, but have no recollection of ever being there. Seeing those images is like observing someone else’s life as an outsider rather than having firsthand memories of having experienced any of it.
Rebuilding your life after a long period of darkness can feel just as disorienting as that. You may not be sure of where to go next because you aren’t sure of where you’ve been.
For example, you may be keen to try a certain experience, while those close to you tell you that you have, in fact, done it before, yet you can’t remember it. This can be difficult to navigate without professional assistance, so I highly recommend working with a therapist who can help you find your way out of that labyrinth and into the light.
Final thoughts…
It’s completely normal to feel confused, overwhelmed, and even a little frightened as the darkness lifts and you rebuild your life anew. You’re bound to feel quite vulnerable — like you’re navigating a new life while still trying to figure out how your limbs work.
Don’t make any snap decisions that you may end up regretting, and ease into things on your own terms. There is no rush. Even though you may be champing at the bit to dive into this new life and make up for lost time, be patient and gentle with yourself during the process.
