Psychology says people who are liked by everyone but truly known by no one regularly engage in these 9 behaviors

What does it mean to be known? Why does that matter more than being liked? Does being liked even matter at all?

You may be thinking, “Of course it does!” But what if you have to sacrifice who you are and what’s important to you to be liked?

To be known is to show people the “unlikable” parts of you – your vulnerabilities, flaws, and weaknesses. That way, they choose the entire you, not just the good parts.

And that’s important, because authentic love (romantic or otherwise) makes space for the difficult parts of people.

In contrast, the following behaviors are common for people who shrink themselves to be accepted. They may be liked, but they are not known.

1. They are excellent listeners but not active participants.

This person may be warm, receptive, and an excellent listener. They will sit down and be the ear for other people, but they never really say too much about themselves.

They don’t share their struggles, challenges, or the more difficult parts of themselves with others because that requires vulnerability. And psychology teaches us that vulnerability is needed in order to be known.

As such, the byproduct of being a good listener but never exposing your own inner world is that other people only get the surface-level impression of you as a considerate person. They may never get a chance to know the real you, the you that struggles, the you that needs a friend to listen when times are hard.

Even worse, the good listener may find that no one is around to help them when they do need help, because other people were simply taking advantage of them.

2. They are constantly aware and monitoring how they are being perceived.

You don’t have to be liked by everyone in the world. In fact, it’s inevitable that you will meet people that you don’t like, and who don’t like you.

There are eight billion people in the world. We all aren’t going to get along all the time. Still, the unknown person is often paying close attention to how other people perceive them.

They want to be liked by everyone (or at least as many people as possible), so they tightly control their image and attempt to manage how other people feel about them.

They often live largely in their own head, analyzing interactions, worrying about whether they said the wrong thing, and wondering what people really think of them. As such, they miss out on opportunities for real connection because they’re never truly present.

They may even take offense when someone doesn’t like them, or see it as a reason to go on the offensive. To someone who wants to be liked, not being liked can feel like an intense, personal rejection rather than just a difference.

3. They often mirror the personalities of others.

While the individual is constantly self-monitoring, they will often also mask their true self by mimicking others’ personality, sense of humor, and mannerisms. They often become what psychology calls a social chameleon.

It’s not always a conscious choice, though sometimes it is. And it links to the deep-seated fear of rejection we mentioned.

It can develop from previous experiences of being misunderstood, bullied, and/or rejected, and even from abuse, where some trauma survivors unconsciously learn to adopt the traits of their abuser so they aren’t abused.

Masking is particularly common in autistic folk because they are more likely to receive the message (implied or direct) that their natural way of engaging with the world is misunderstood or unwelcome, though neurotypical people who have had adverse experiences in the past can certainly experience it too.

4. They use humor to deflect from serious conversations.

Years ago, before I started working on myself, I often used humor to deflect from serious conversations.

It’s a common psychological defense mechanism that people who aren’t happy with themselves use to keep anyone from getting too close.

Personally, I was struggling with deep Bipolar-depression, and I didn’t know how to show my vulnerability to other people.

I’d laugh and make jokes, mostly self-deprecating, to steer people away from the parts of me I didn’t want to talk about or acknowledge.

What I didn’t understand is that I wasn’t doing myself any favors by doing that. I wasn’t making friends or being an “easy friend.” I was just being entertainment for other people at my own expense.

5. They may compartmentalize their different relationships.

The example of Steven demonstrates this well. Steven finds himself in a predicament. He has two friend groups, Group A and Group B. Group A knows Steven as a fun-loving, outgoing guy who is always ready for an adventure. Group B knows him as a relatively chill, relaxed human who just wants to maintain a cool vibe.

Steven often feels lonely.

Why?

Because neither of those two groups actually knows Steven. He’s compartmentalized his identities for whatever reason, so neither group actually sees the real, multifaceted him. They just know a few dimensions of him.

People are complex. Rare is the time they can be easily fit into one box, yet some people like Steven decide they have to.

That can often be rooted in issues with self-esteem and self-worth.

6. They tend to be people-pleasers.

People-pleasers often think that it is a positive quality. After all, they are providing something positive and helpful to the people around them.

But numerous qualities of people-pleasing are unintentionally dishonest and harmful to everyone.

Why? Because a people-pleaser will typically be someone with poor boundaries, who limits any kind of difficulty they may have, and who tries to be as unobtrusive as possible.

They won’t express their needs or boundaries, and often feel quiet resentment when other people don’t respect them. That doesn’t end well for anyone.

It’s not healthy to not have boundaries. It’s not good to be so agreeable that you’re constantly disrupting your own life for the sake of other people.

Time is the most valuable resource we have, and people-pleasers often sacrifice it for people who don’t truly know or care about them.

7. They keep their conversations focused on the present rather than the past.

A person who does not want to be known will not expose the more difficult pieces of themselves.

They may not do things like reveal past experiences, talk about their childhood, or anything else they might perceive as being burdensome.

That is often the goal – not to be a burden. And developmental psychology teaches us that for many people, that feeling comes from being taught that they had to earn affection, attention, and care.

They have been taught that they are only lovable when they are useful or easy.

But that’s not what love is.

Love can hold the difficult, painful pieces of another person. Even a platonic love between friends should be able to accept and hold those difficult pieces.

If it can’t, then it’s not the kind of love that you want to rely on. It’s just superficial good vibes.

8. They often mistake being connected with being understood.

It’s easy to have a wide circle of friends and people around you when you’re never difficult.

And that can trick you into thinking you are known, because it’s not like you are alone.

The problem is that it doesn’t provide the kind of emotional nourishment that humans need. That’s when you run into situations where you feel like you’re alone in a room full of people, because you are.

You aren’t known to them because they only know the good facets.

That can be a hard realization when you look around and realize that you can’t really rely on anyone during your hard times.

You may have circles of friends that you couldn’t call on if your car broke down in the middle of the night, or needed a shoulder to cry on when a relationship ends.

It’s in these situations that deep friendships are solidified most.

9. At the root of it all lies the fear of vulnerability.

Ultimately, everything on this list comes down to the underlying fear of vulnerability. Vulnerability is hard when you’ve had a life that doesn’t allow for it, and far too many children grow up in situations where they can’t show vulnerability.

In some cases, vulnerability is met with abuse, whether physical or emotional, and they are coerced into performance in order to be safe, accepted, and loved.

That doesn’t make them (or you, if it applies) a bad person. It just means that they have some unhealthy coping skills that once helped them survive, but now don’t translate well to healthy relationships.

Because to have deep relationships, you have to be willing to show vulnerability.

Consider a marriage. If you want to spend your life with someone, then you need to know each other deeply. The same thing goes for best friends. You need to know all of those deep flaws if you want to have that kind of connection with someone.