If you were asked to describe how an important person in your life shows you how much they love you, would you describe how much they depend upon you? How they turn to you when they’re in need? How often they’ve told you that you’re their “person”, even though they don’t reciprocate anywhere near as much as you do for them?
If so, are you sure this is being loved and not just being useful?
Being useful to someone feels quite different from being loved by them, and it’s important to know the difference if you want a healthy, balanced relationship.
As such, here are some of the ways that being useful rather than being loved shows up:
1. You feel like the most important person in their world when you have something they want or need, and you become invisible when you don’t.
Many of us have experienced a situation in which someone expressed great joy to see us, and then we found out their enthusiasm was because they wanted our help with something.
As soon as we apologized and let them know that we weren’t available, this person’s mask dropped (along with their smile), and they went back to whatever they were doing, treating us like we weren’t even there.
It’s worth noting that this can happen in any kind of relationship, romantic, platonic, familial, or even work-based.
For example, my partner has often told me that she felt like furniture in her previous marriage. She was essentially ignored until her ex wanted or needed something, and then he’d go back to what he was doing without so much as a “thank you.”
Furthermore, she was the “best wife ever” to her former spouse because of how much he benefited from everything she did, but if she needed something from him, he groaned and complained as though helping her was the most tedious hardship on the planet.
2. Your conversations revolve around responsibilities and logistics.
When you have a conversation with someone who loves you, they ask about what you’re thinking and feeling because they honestly want to know.
They encourage you to talk about the things you’re passionate about and the two of you discuss everything under the sun, including future plans and daydreams.
In contrast, if you’re useful to someone rather than loved by them, your conversations revolve solely around what they need you to do. All of your exchanges generally have to do with duty, obligations, expectations, important dates, and so on.
You may not remember the last time they complimented you or expressed appreciation for what you’ve done (unless they were buttering you up before a big request), but you sure as hell remember all the times you fell short of their expectations and they gave you grief for it.
3. You feel like you could be replaced as soon as you’re no longer useful.
Instead of feeling secure in your relationship, you constantly feel as though you’re treading on thin ice. Essentially, you feel as though any supposed security you have in your life is wholly dependent upon how long you remain useful to this person.
If something were to happen to you that would render you unable to provide whatever you’ve been doing up until now — financial support, child or elder care, etc. — then you’d likely be discarded and replaced with another model without hesitation.
Deep down, you probably know that this person doesn’t love you for who you are as an individual, and could easily (and quickly) fill your shoes with anyone else who could provide them with the same comforts.
4. You only hear from them when you can benefit them, rather than just to check in or catch up.
Maybe your sibling or best friend only reaches out to see how you’re doing when they need to borrow your truck or get your help fixing something at home.
They don’t show up for your birthday BBQ or offer congratulations when you post on social media about something great happening in your life, but as soon as they need something from you, they suddenly love and miss you terribly and look forward to seeing you.
Essentially, they are using you.
A person who sincerely loves you will express that love and take action to show you that they care when they won’t benefit from doing so at all.
They’ll check in to see how you’re doing when they haven’t heard from you for a while, and take the time to really listen to you if you’re going through difficulty.
It isn’t just a matter of checking in because you didn’t do that chore you were supposed to do: they actually want to know if you are okay.
5. You feel depleted by them rather than replenished.
When you’re loved by someone, they pour just as much loving energy into you as you do for them.
Like two supporting pillars, you take turns leaning on one another, sheltering each other from wind and hail, and offering shade to one another as the sun moves across the sky.
When you’re mostly just needed by someone, then you’re the primary pillar, and they’re the vine that’s wrapped around it.
You offer them support, warmth, and shade, but all they do is choke you and draw upon you until you finally crack.
They take and take, but give so little back in turn. It’s no wonder you feel exhausted after spending time with them.
6. They show resentment towards you if you express your needs.
When you’re useful to someone rather than loved by them, they tend to view you as a tool by which their needs get met. As a result, they can get irritable and resentful if and when you express any of your own needs and wants.
People like that tend to view others as though they’re no different from electronics or vehicles.
They’re useful when needed, but a pain in the backside when they need repairing or if they start to make too much noise while in use.
7. Their “love” seems like a reward that’s only earned if you say and do the right things.
Real love doesn’t have excessive conditions on it. It stands the test of time, and remains strong and true through good days and bad, through arguments as well as snuggly moments.
You don’t have to walk on eggshells with someone who truly loves you, because even if something you’re discussing comes out wrong, or you need to change plans to accommodate capability, you’ll work as a team through all of it.
If someone only cares about you as long as you’re useful to them, then they may treat you like you only deserve their “love” as long as you’re behaving the right way (i.e., the way they like).
They may expect you to leap into action when needed, or say the “right” phrases when they want your encouragement or reassurance.
And if you don’t give them what they want, exactly how and when they want it, they’ll either give you the silent treatment or cut you out of their life until such time as you earn your way back in with “good behavior.”
8. They don’t respect your “no” or ask how they can help you.
When someone loves you, they won’t just respect the fact that you’ve said “no” to an invitation or a request: they’ll turn things around and ask if there’s anything they can do to make your life a little easier.
They pay attention when you’re struggling or hurting and want to help you the same way you help them.
This is very different from a person who only cares about you when you’re useful to them. These individuals get annoyed if you say “no” to them, or tell them that you aren’t available.
They’re the ones who will give you a hard time if you don’t respond to their text quickly enough, even though you’re in the ER waiting room. Or who get irritated if you say that you aren’t available after X time in the evenings or on weekends.
They want access to you on demand, and will quickly show you how little you mean to them as soon as you restrict it.
Final thoughts…
A non-reciprocal relationship is an exploitative one.
You may think you have a strong friendship, romantic connection, or family bond with someone because they can turn to you for anything, but watch what happens when you’re unavailable.
If they don’t make a point of taking action to see how you’re doing and ask how they can help, and instead berate you or stop talking to you entirely, you’ll know that you are simply useful to them, rather than loved by them.
It hurts, but this painful honesty will allow you to make better, healthier personal choices from now on.
