I grew up believing that children needed more protection than I had. As one of 16 siblings in a chaotic home, I was parentified early and learned to manage responsibilities and emotions that should never have belonged to a child.
So when I became a mother myself, my children’s safety and stability meant everything. However, I soon learned that there’s a difference between giving kids the security they deserve and stripping life of opportunities.
Yes, children need basic safety and dependability to thrive, but they also need opportunities, skills, and interests that will support them as they grow.
9 things kids need more than a perfectly safe and predictable life, in order to thrive:
1. The belief that they can handle hard things.
When your child is struggling, stepping in can feel like the most loving response. And sometimes it is. But often, they need something that’s harder to give — your belief that they can manage without being rescued.
Maybe they’re feeling frustrated or nervous, and rather than just listening and validating, you are tempted to step in and save them. But only by doing will they develop the confidence to persevere when things are tough.
You are not abandoning them by not stepping in. Quite the opposite: your confidence in their ability becomes theirs.
There’s a powerful difference between communicating “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it,” and “I know this is hard, and I believe you can handle it.”
You can still let them know you’re there if they genuinely need help or advice, but when you don’t immediately jump in, they get the opportunity to discover that feeling uncertain, frustrated, or challenged is a normal part of life and doesn’t mean they’re incapable.
Real confidence is grown from experience, and sheltering them denies them that opportunity.
2. Reasonable freedom to do things without you.
Think about the first time your child wanted to pour their own cereal, choose their own clothes, or walk into a classroom without holding your hand. Independence develops in those small steps.
They aren’t born with it, and it doesn’t magically appear when they reach a certain age. Hundreds of small opportunities turn into a belief that they can do something on their own.
As they get older, that might mean ordering their own meal, making a snack, handling a simple purchase, or solving a minor disagreement without you speaking for them. Their freedoms grow alongside their judgment and abilities.
But always stepping in or being overly restrictive can accidentally deprive your child of the satisfaction that comes from learning to do things on their own.
Of course, you still need to apply boundaries, support them, and pay attention to what they’re ready for. A responsible parent gives their child the freedom to engage in age-appropriate activities and learning, rather than offloading adult responsibilities onto young minds that aren’t ready for them.
3. Support as they solve problems themselves.
Children build problem-solving skills gradually. They learn by trying, adjusting, and trying again, especially when they know you’re nearby if they truly need help.
Just as babies move from rolling over to sitting, crawling, standing, and walking, older kids develop confidence through small chances to practice doing hard things.
As a parent, you can encourage them to view challenges as opportunities to use their existing skills. The trick is not to hand them the solution, but to give them enough support to discover it themselves. This builds on the previous two points, drawing on your belief in them and the freedom you give them to tackle problems.
Finding the middle ground between abandoning them to struggle and solving everything for them is the hard part. The key is to guide them as needed but leave enough of the problem intact for the solution to feel like theirs.
4. Control over their time.
While children certainly need routines, they also need free time to determine what they want to do. Scheduling every minute of the day can leave children feeling like they have little room to make their own choices or find their own fun.
Unscheduled playtime is a vital part of development because it lets kids discover games and activities adults don’t direct.
The more your child takes ownership of their time, the better they get at avoiding boredom with new games, invented rules, and other forms of entertainment. And when other kids get involved, they must negotiate, solve disagreements, and figure things out.
Of course, depending on their age, you should linger in the background, ready to step in if safety or circumstances genuinely require it. Otherwise, resist the temptation to direct every activity or resolve each squabble.
Some unpredictability in a safe space builds decision-making, creativity, and flexibility.
5. Permission to fail without feeling like a failure.
While childhood should be safe, you can’t prevent all the potential failures and threats your kids may face. They must lose games, get answers wrong, and discover that enthusiasm doesn’t necessarily make them good at something.
But crucially, they must learn that none of those experiences changes how you see them.
How you respond to failing matters as much as your reaction to a win. If only achievement receives celebration, then children start to believe that success is what makes them worthy of praise. So notice the effort, persistence, and willingness to try again, too.
They need to learn that failure is something that happened, not who they are.
Guide them to areas where they can win, but allow them manageable experiences of getting things wrong while the stakes are relatively small. In time, they learn that disappointment hurts, embarrassment passes, and the world keeps turning when things don’t go as planned.
6. Space to feel uncomfortable emotions.
Children need space to feel angry, upset, disappointed, or sad. They need to learn what to do when feelings get big, because if they never feel these sensations as a kid, they won’t know what to make of them as adults.
You may want to protect your child from sorrow and big feelings like anger, but they should experience these and learn how to handle them maturely, by watching you do the same.
This is something I find hard, as I grew up managing grown-up feelings, often carrying my mother’s emotional load too. As such, my instinct as a parent is to spare my children this experience, but they must learn, so instead, I guide them through big feelings.
When kids get angry or sad, reassure them that it’s OK to feel this way. Let them discover they can move through these sensations and that it’s not permanent.
Emotional safety is not about avoiding big emotions, but about knowing that feelings are allowed, manageable, and temporary.
7. Opportunities to participate in their community.
Belonging is a core value in human psychology, and your child develops this aspect of their psyche through interactions with others. When they take part in community activities, they learn vital life skills that they may not always notice at home.
Your child may discover what it means to belong and participate in different groups, building their interests and teaching them about teamwork and loyalty. Moving within groups that impact the larger community can stimulate their thinking about the world and even guide later-life decisions, such as what to study or which career they want to pursue.
The saying that it takes a village to raise a child isn’t outdated. However, whilst you’re encouraging community-mindedness, do always keep their safety in mind, teaching them about stranger danger and taking other important steps to help protect them.
8. Access to your time and presence.
What do children need most? They must know that no matter what, you will always be there for them.
My children know that I will check for bed monsters 10 times a night, but they must go with me, hold the flashlight, and be ready to take action, rather than hiding behind me. The important thing is that I am always available for them without taking away their power.
I’ll comfort them and support them, but also hold them accountable and encourage them to fix the problem or own up to their errors. My presence provides stability, but I’m not going to step in and make everything better. They need to learn to do that.
By giving them access to my time, my children know they can depend on me. And sometimes, that’s all they need to help them face life’s obstacles.
9. The certainty that your love is unconditional.
If you grew up with it, you may not realize the full value of unconditional love to a child. But knowing your love is something they never have to earn is perhaps the best and most meaningful gift you can give your child.
I knew that I was loved when I was supportive, made my parents proud, or achieved something that improved our family standing. But it didn’t feel unconditional. Because of this, I dreaded taking home a bad grade or admitting to hitting the softball through the neighbor’s window.
To feel safe and secure, kids need to know they are loved regardless of what they’ve done. You can dislike what they did, enforce a boundary, and expect them to make amends without making them feel like you love them less.
Make home the place where their failure never threatens their belonging.
Final thoughts…
I now see my role as a parent differently. I can give my kids what I didn’t have by creating a secure space for them, but I can’t make their world perfectly safe and predictable. What children really need is the support to experience an unpredictable world.
My kids will struggle, fail, feel disappointed, and face situations beyond my control. That is life. Protecting them isn’t the same as preventing all threats.
Similarly, the best gift of security you can give your children is to make sure they know they can handle hard things, ask for help when they can’t, and come to you knowing they are loved exactly as they are.
