One of my favorite lines of any poem is this one, from The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:
“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.”
Quite often, when you take a path that you know is right for you, others will treat you as though you’ve betrayed them or otherwise done them some grievous wrong by doing so. That’s why it takes such courage to live a life that’s true to yourself.
If you don’t yet have that courage, but want to cultivate it, here’s how.
8 ways to be brave enough to do what’s right for you, even when it disappoints others:
1. Ask yourself how much betraying your own wants or needs will cost you in the long run.
Every choice we make has a cost. But making beneficial, self-affirming choices doesn’t drain our light or steal valuable time from our lives the way that betraying our needs and priorities does.
Betraying your own happiness can cost you your peace, your mental and physical health, and even your self-respect.
Still, if you don’t have a lot of self-confidence, you may find it difficult or scary to defend yourself and your own needs. The best way to push through this hesitance is to think about who you might become in the future if you don’t do what’s right for you now. What will you miss out on or regret?
Think about the people you know who are shadows of their former selves because they’ve lived for others’ approval and benefit instead of their own, and make the conscious decision that you refuse to end up that way as well.
2. Acknowledge that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions.
If you grew up in an environment where other people’s moods dictated your safety and your peace, you might have learned to adjust your behavior in order to regulate others’ emotions for them.
This likely included de-prioritizing your own needs, wants, and authentic self for the sake of keeping the peace.
I know I had to pretend to be a very different version of myself for a long time in order to remain housed and fed, as there was the constant threat of being kicked out of my home if I didn’t behave as expected or dictated.
Having the courage to do what’s right for you can be terrifying, especially if your own personal safety and security are at risk by doing so. Ultimately, though, you aren’t responsible for other people’s emotions, so you shouldn’t feel obligated to betray yourself for the sake of keeping them happy.
Bolster your courage by becoming as physically, mentally, and emotionally strong as possible, and by always having contingency plans in case your surroundings get too uncomfortable for you to remain there.
Your peace is too high a price to pay for the sake of not disappointing others.
3. Find out why you feel obligated to obey others’ plans or orders
Do you find yourself worrying that others will think poorly of you or be disappointed if you prioritize what’s right for yourself? Furthermore, do you feel that you don’t have much agency in your own life because you have to do as you’re told by others?
If so, ask yourself why doing what someone else wants is more important than living authentically, on your own terms. Other people may have ideas of what might be helpful for you, but trying to force you to become what you aren’t isn’t love or care: it’s a form of control.
It’s even worse if they refuse to take your preferences into consideration, and simply treat you like a child or a pet who should obey unquestioningly.
Recognizing that this behavior for what it is (unacceptable) can give you the courage to break free from their influence to do what’s right for you. If they feel disappointed that you’ve done so, then that might be the wake-up call they need to stop treating you so shamefully.
4. Determine why you’re placing people-pleasing above personal fulfilment.
People who like to control other people’s lives often manipulate others into behaving as wanted. They often do this by punishing them with the silent treatment or withholding affection (and even basic needs) until those people do as they want.
As such, if many people have treated you this way, you might have developed people-pleasing tendencies to get your needs met.
Over time, this can wear down your sense of self because you aren’t living for you — you’re throwing yourself away for the sake of approval from those who wouldn’t think twice about replacing you.
Recognizing this can encourage you to start saying “no” to them, and “YES!” to yourself instead. If they’re disappointed in you or upset that you’ve changed, good. That means you’re doing something right.
5. Remember that you only have this one precious life.
Every minute you spend living a life that makes others happy instead of yourself is a minute wasted.
The individuals who are trying to dictate your actions and choices have their own lives, but they want to live yours and are often trying to live vicariously through you to make up for choices they made (or didn’t make).
That isn’t fair to you.
For example, your parents may have created your life, but they don’t own it. Similarly, someone who has helped you achieve your goals doesn’t get to dictate where you go from there.
Brace yourself against the anger and negativity that may be thrown your way when you decide to walk your own path. If they try to coerce you into walking the one they’d prefer, remind them that this is your life to live and not theirs.
They won’t like it, but hold firm, and they may get the message in time.
6. Keep in mind that these people will be gone one day, and you’re the one who will have to live with the remnants.
Countless people have sacrificed years (even decades) of their lives to make other people happy, at the expense of their own fulfillment and happiness. Then, when those individuals are no longer around due to death, divorce, or estrangement, they are left with nothing but regret about all the time they lost and will never get back.
It’s not pleasant to have to stand up to those closest to you and prioritize your needs over their desires, but it’s what you have to do so you don’t waste your precious life for their benefit.
Practice setting and defending small boundaries with these individuals and then work your way up to establishing stronger ones.
Any time others try to overstep them, or guilt you into dropping them, remind yourself of the regrets you will have when they’re gone.
7. Find an encouraging support group.
If your friends, family members, and other close social network are all benefiting from your low self-worth, then it’s a good idea to find a neutral group that can offer you the type of support you need most right now.
Talk to your healthcare provider or therapist and ask them for recommendations for support groups that may align with your needs right now, or find a community online that’s tailored to your needs.
Just familiarize yourself with the risks of support groups as well as the benefits first. Be mindful of anonymity and your digital footprint, and choose spaces that prioritise safety, respect, and moderation.
Quite often, having the support of people outside of your social circle who don’t benefit from you being small and uncertain can be exactly what you need.
Find a group that encourages you to do what’s right for you, where there’s no manipulative, self-serving behavior or hidden agendas behind their actions. For many, it’s the first time they’ve been surrounded by people who genuinely encourage them to thrive.
8. Be the sole ruler in your own life.
It’s a difficult truth to accept that ultimately, you’re the only person who’s going to look out for your best interests.
For example, you may insult or hurt someone by not having a drink with them because you’re determined to remain sober, and that’s fine. You need to look out for your best interests and remember that others are doing the same for themselves.
It’s not easy to stand up to your friends and family. It takes far more courage to do that — and to risk disappointing or even losing them — than it does to stand up to those you don’t care about or even like.
But there are ways to make it easier. You can drum up the courage to stand up to them by making sure you have enough of a safety net to not need to rely on them, such as a strong social circle and a secure source of financial support.
If people don’t have leverage to use against you, then they have no power over you.
Final thoughts…
The most terrifying part of prioritizing what’s right for you is becoming a new version of yourself, and letting go of the one that was more comfortable or useful in other people’s eyes.
The promise of freedom is what encourages baby birds to crack through their shells so they can emerge into the light, and that freedom is beautiful — even if they disappoint those around them by being a species that they didn’t expect.
Let them be disappointed, and fly free on your own terms. Never let others clip your wings for the sake of their own comfort and amusement.
