Most of us look back at some of the things we’ve experienced in the past and kick ourselves for what we should have done in that situation instead of what we actually did. This is particularly true in cases where we lost respect for ourselves because we chose an easier or less contentious approach than we would have liked, often for the sake of keeping the peace, remaining employed, etc.
Of course, walking away is not always easy, and in some cases, it’s simply not an option. But if you’re able to, be sure to walk away from the following, should you encounter them. If you can, you’ll be able to keep your head held high and your self-respect intact.
1. A workplace in which you’re being mistreated.
It’s a sad truth that many people who are in positions of power will mistreat those who can’t necessarily defend themselves. For example, someone who owns a business in a place where jobs are scarce will often take advantage of their workers, mistreating them terribly because they know that there aren’t any other options for them to apply to. A person who’s desperate to remain employed is far more tractable and will be willing to accept much more mistreatment than someone who has several other options on the table.
In a case like this, it may be tempting to tolerate abuse from your workplace superiors because you’re afraid of the alternative, and in some cases, your livelihood might depend on it. But if you have the means to walk away and find alternative employment, do.
Remember that laws exist to protect people in these exact situations. Document everything, talk to an employment lawyer if you can, and find out how you can best protect yourself. If something else is available to you, it’s got to be better than accepting mistreatment and losing your self-respect.
2. A relationship in which you’re being taken advantage of or deprioritized.
Someone posted on social media a few days ago that a lot of people look for “submissive providers” as partners. Those who will behave as desired while being the primary breadwinners, as well as the main housekeepers, cooks, and care providers. We also see people posting regularly about how their partners place them last on the priority list behind fun pursuits, time with friends, and anything else, for that matter.
If the person you’re with has been taking advantage of you, using you, or making it clear to you that you are a low priority in their life, then it’s time to walk away if you can. If there is the option to leave, why choose to remain with a person who doesn’t respect you? Respect yourself enough to know that you deserve more. You’re much too sacred and valuable to be taken advantage of by someone who doesn’t deserve you.
3. A situation in which the goal posts keep being moved.
Years ago, I worked as a writer for a media company. My responsibilities were very clearly laid out in my contract, complete with lists of deliverables and my fee for each of them. Unfortunately, my employer abided by the spirit of the contract rather than the letter of it, and kept moving the goal posts in order to squeeze more work out of me. For example, he’d declare that an unrelated task was “adjacent to” my duties, and therefore fell under my purview.
I protested this the first time, but ended up acquiescing under the caveat that it didn’t happen again. It did, of course, and when I called him out on this behavior, he refused to meet my gaze. He simply said that it was part of my job, and if I wanted my invoice to be paid, then I should take care of it. So I walked out. No amount of money was worth the self-respect I would have had to discard to keep accepting these ever-shifting parameters.
4. Family dynamics in which your boundaries aren’t being respected.
It’s astonishing to see how many people seem to think that they don’t need to respect their relatives’ boundaries because they’re “family.” In their minds, being related by blood or marriage seems to mean that they have full leave to say or do whatever they like — even if others have made it abundantly clear that those actions are unacceptable.
If you’ve made clear boundaries about certain things in your life, and certain family members refuse to respect those, then it’s time to walk away if you can. People only have power over you if you allow them to have it by not standing up for yourself.
You may be encouraged to “just ignore them,” i.e., setting aside your self-respect for the sake of keeping the peace, but this will only allow the poor behavior to continue. By leaving, you make it clear to everyone that you will not tolerate disrespect from anyone.
5. A social setting in which you’re being put down for others’ amusement.
Maybe your supposed best friend decides to share an intimate secret of yours when you’re at the pub with a group, trying to endear themselves to others by making them laugh at your expense. Or your partner pulls you close for what’s supposed to be a loving photograph, only to mash food into your face.
In a situation like this, you’re expected to play along as if it’s all a big joke so you won’t be accused of not having a sense of humor. In reality, accepting this kind of behavior sets a precedent in which others feel entitled to do similar things to you. Don’t allow them to disrespect you. Walk away, making it clear why you’re doing so, and be prepared to cut ties with those who treated you so shamefully.
6. If you find yourself considering inappropriate behavior towards an ex.
Breakups are horrible. They’re particularly terrible if you were head over heels in love with the individual in question, and the two of you had daydreamed about all the things you were planning to do together. Suddenly, you’re adrift in a sea of misery and despair, and you feel like you’d be willing to do just about anything to make that feeling stop.
You may consider going to your ex’s home or workplace and begging them to give your relationship another chance. Or you’ve put together a list of valid reasons to stick together, certain that you can convince them that staying together is the smartest, best course of action. Don’t do it. This kind of behavior is as desperate as it is inappropriate, and would undoubtedly make you lose an extraordinary amount of respect for yourself once your emotions cool.
7. When someone is getting increasingly more controlling, and you’ve been hesitant to push back.
After dating for some time, perhaps your partner saw fit to order for you when you’re out to dinner, or deigned to forbid you from wearing something you like. Maybe you didn’t push back when they did this, so they intensified the control by throwing out items of yours that they disliked. But still, you didn’t speak up for yourself because you didn’t want to upset them. Perhaps you sat there, hating yourself for not stopping them, but feeling unable to do anything.
This kind of behavior can come from anyone in your social sphere, and will only continue — and worsen — if you don’t put a stop to it by walking away. Manipulative, controlling people will often test boundaries by seeing how much you’ll put up with, stop temporarily when you speak up, and then try again and again every time you push back. You need to walk away to avoid negotiating this dance forever.
8. When you’re being pressured into doing something that you’ll feel shame and regret about later.
This can take a number of different forms. For example, a potential lover may try to pressure you into intimacy before you’re comfortable doing so, or some friends might try to coax you into taking part in a group harassment endeavor under the guise of social justice.
If your heart isn’t truly in the activity at hand, you may feel obligated to take part to avoid causing upset or ending up on the receiving end of negative repercussions. But unfortunately, you’ll likely end up losing respect for yourself if you go through with it. The best course of action here is to walk away and keep your self-esteem intact.
Final thoughts…
It’s incredibly difficult to rebuild self-respect once it has been lost. In fact, once it’s been damaged, many people end up spiraling downwards with repeated acts of self-sabotage or self-destructive behavior.
It’s much more difficult to stand up for yourself than it is to go along with whatever it is that’s making you uncomfortable, but the consequence of doing that is a price that’s much too high to pay. Brace yourself for pushback and inevitable fallout, but do whatever is necessary to keep your self-respect intact.
