Getting some alone time shouldn’t have to mean sneaking into the nearest cupboard for ten minutes just to get away from everyone. It also shouldn’t be treated as a sign that you’re antisocial or miserable (phew).
But it should be non-negotiable.
Those who already treat it this way don’t feel guilty about it. They want to protect their time, rather than waste it getting more and more overloaded and overwhelmed. They understand that they won’t be a better friend, parent, or partner if they exhaust themselves with commitments.
And if you’re not yet that person but want to be? Well, you’ve come to the right place to start.
9 things people who treat alone time as non-negotiable do to guard it:
1. Saying no to plans without giving elaborate excuses.
No.
Say it with me:
“No!”
Okay, so you don’t have to yell it at someone to get your point across, and it never hurts to drop in a thanks, but it can be a firm, “No, thanks.” Not a “No, thanks, and here are all my justifications so you can try to find loopholes in them…”
No means no, and that’s the end of it.
You’re asked if you want to join someone, and you don’t want to. It’s simple. Or rather, it should be. You don’t need a “better” excuse.
For many, it isn’t that easy, though, so they give up their alone time and pack it full of stuff they don’t actually want to do.
Just say no. I do, and I don’t feel even slightly guilty about it. You’re not being purposely difficult or rude; you’re just expressing your right to choose how you spend your free time.
That should be enough.
2. Keeping certain evenings free… for doing absolutely nothing.
Maybe it’s Tuesday and Saturday evenings. Or if you’re me – it’s all seven days of the wild week – kept free for me. I don’t care to do anything, and something has to be really special to tempt me to give that time up.
I don’t spend every evening of my life packed with seeing people, hitting the gym, going to that fitness class, catching a show, going to a friend’s house for dinner.
I just cannot be persuaded to surrender my alone time unless I actually want to. I value it far too much.
Is that weird? Probably to some people, but I’m 43. I don’t want a diary that I need to check. I love solitude. I’ve learned to use it wisely.
If you’re struggling to carve out those evenings, feel free to adopt the mantra: Be more Ali.
3. Putting their phone away when they just want that space from the world.
Yes, there are people in the world who put their phones away from time to time (but if you’re one of them, and you’re reading this on your phone, please wait until the end of the article).
But seriously, a phone in the hand has somehow become this extra limb that will one day show up on anatomical posters in science rooms across schools. The skeleton … and the device.
Now is the time to think about whether or not your life would benefit from tucking yours away for a while so you can look up and take life in. It’s one of the things that people who guard their solitude fiercely have learned to do. After all, you aren’t truly protecting your alone time if you are constantly connected.
Adults now spend over three hours per day on average on their phones; more time than they spend watching TV. We are missing out on some serious opportunities to mindfully embrace alone time, all because of that little rectangle in our hands.
4. Being honest with people when they need time alone rather than sitting through company feeling resentful.
Often, I’ll curl up with a hot water bottle, a hot chocolate, and a few episodes of Wednesday on Netflix. It might be because I’m not feeling my best, or it might simply be because I want to.
Either way, if someone invites me out, I prefer declining their offer with honesty, instead of mumbling some excuse or being ‘dragged out’ and not being able to hide how resentful I am.
I’m never dragged anywhere. If I don’t want to go, I just say so.
“I just want to stay in.” “It’s been a while since I’ve had a night in.” “I need to catch up with myself and just chill.”
People who know me understand. And those who don’t aren’t my people. There doesn’t need to be any offence taken. In fact, there’s usually just respect for me honoring my need for solitude, and healthier relationships as a result.
5. Choosing to do activities solo even if they could invite people along with them.
There is being lonely, and then there is being alone. You can be in a room full of people and feel like the loneliest person in the world, or you can be alone and feel like you’ve got everything you could ever want.
Indeed, research shows that choosing to spend time on your own can lower stress and give yourself a break from everything that’s expected of you.
Now, imagine that plus doing an activity that you love? It’s a no-brainer!
If we carve out time to take that walk alone so we can observe nature without distraction, or do some painting or exercise without interruptions, we are prioritizing the best kind of solitude. It’s the kind that is regulating rather than isolating. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
‘Do not disturb’ – I am busy being alone.
6. Choosing not to answer messages immediately.
I adore my brother (Bromeo, this one’s for you). He will receive text messages and use an immediate, “Does this need answering now?” filter on each one. If it doesn’t, he puts his phone down and carries on with his day.
Don’t get me wrong, if it’s an emergency, he will answer and be there like a shot. But if it can wait, it will wait.
I admire that about him because he likes to preserve his solitude. He will always respond, but only when it suits him and never to the detriment of what he’s doing. (Even if that thing is nothing.)
He deserves that right the same way we all do, only he also respects it.
I reckon we should all be a bit more like my Bromeo.
7. Being happy walking out of social events when they’ve had enough.
Instead of staying and avoiding disappointing anyone, people who guard their solitude fiercely won’t hesitate to leave an event if they are done.
They show up, speak to a few people, and don’t feel obliged to stay for the entire night just in case someone thinks they’re rude. And why should they?
“Don’t you want to stay for one more drink? Dessert?”
No, actually. I’ve done my bit. I’m going home.
Fair play to you.
Solitude, especially if you find small talk exhausting, is crucial after these sorts of events. And the sooner you get it, the sooner your mind and body can decompress.
8. Not letting people who need constant company make them feel guilty for wanting the opposite.
If you love being alone, you may find it bizarre watching those people who can’t stand to be apart from others. I saw a lot of that on the school runs. Groups of people who just can’t leave each other alone or do anything by themselves. At one point I even wondered if they went to the toilet together.
I really hope there’s not someone in that group desperate for solitude, thinking, “I’m only doing this because they make me feel bad when I say that I can’t.”
We all have different needs, and if our friendships are going to work, we have to respect those differences. People who are serious about their solitude won’t stick around in groups who don’t. They would rather have their solitude than be with the wrong people.
Thankfully, nobody in my life expects that much company from me because they know how much I love to be on my own. I don’t have a lot of friends, which is how I like it, but the friends I do have are amazing.
Quality, not quantity!
9. Protecting their mornings and evenings in order to wake up and wind down organically.
Wake up in your own time, go to bed in your own time. Bliss.
If I’ve just been borderline unconscious for several hours, the last thing I want is someone poking at me, asking me fifteen questions, and making demands.
The same goes for bedtime.
Give me that half an hour before my lights go out to wind down and prep for my slumber. I want my fairy lights on, I want to spray my sleep spray, I want to listen to Classic FM Calm, and I want to have one last moment by my open window inhaling fresh air before I go to sleep.
I will guard all of that with my life, if I have to. Will you?
Final thoughts…
Do you like to spend time alone? Maybe the thought of it appeals to you, but the reality is you just feel too guilty to give it to yourself.
You aren’t alone if that’s the case, but you can be alone if you choose to be. You don’t have to negotiate that time with anyone.
You’d benefit from it, and you’ll likely find a surprising amount of energy returning from periods spent in solitude that actually allow you to be you.
So, those plans you have Tuesday…
…Do you really want to keep them?
