Many of us have our “person.” It’s that someone we consistently turn to for support and reassurance. They’ve been there for us in countless difficult situations, and we don’t really know what we’d do without them.
It’s great if you have that special someone in your life, but what if the person you’re always turning to can’t really be relied upon to give you the support you need or want? If you’re not used to receiving solid support, it can be hard to know what it should look like, and what it shouldn’t.
The following signs can help you tell the difference.
8 signs the person you are relying on for comfort can’t really be counted on to give it:
1. You tell them that you’re going through a rough time, and they change the subject.
Depending on what you’re looking for during a rough time, when you turn to someone with your troubles, you might hope for a long conversation in which they talk you through what you are experiencing.
Ideally, they offer you insight and advice when you need it, sit with you in silence when that is the better course of action, and show up for you when the need arises.
If, instead, the things you mention are met with responses like “oh, that’s rough” or “I’m so sorry” before they change the subject to something more pleasant, that’s a good sign they can’t give you the support you’re looking for.
Of course, it’s worth keeping in mind that even our closest friends do this occasionally, and that’s totally to be expected. We all feel overwhelmed sometimes, and we’re not always capable of helping carry another’s troubles.
That said, if this individual responds with flippancy and redirection any time you mention a struggle you’re dealing with, that’s a strong sign that they either don’t want to or can’t offer you solid support any time soon.
As such, if you keep receiving responses such as these, it’s a good idea to ask this person if they have the bandwidth to hear about what you’re going through before you unload on them.
2. They’ve shown that they’ll fall apart in a crisis.
Years ago, I had a relationship that started out strong and equally supportive. During that time, my ex was immensely kind, supportive, and comforting, but over time he slowly shifted his personal duties and obligations onto me because of his personal struggles.
As a result, not only was I the primary breadwinner in the partnership, but I was also responsible for keeping the household going. I was always there for him when he went through hardships ranging from unemployment to the loss of a close family member.
Imagine my surprise then, when I had a sudden, serious health issue and not only did he not accompany me to the hospital — but he didn’t take care of me as I recovered from that issue.
I had friends come by with soup and other care items, who washed dishes, did my laundry, and made me tea, while he distracted himself with computer games and TV because he was too upset by the whole situation to do anything.
That experience made me realize that even though we were meant to be a partnership, I’d never be able to count on him to show support when I really needed it.
Similarly, if the person you are turning to has shown that they can’t hold it together when you’re the one who needs care, that’s a sign they may not be able to show up for you in the way you deserve.
3. They try to shame you for whatever you’re going through.
Essentially, when you turn to this person for reassurance, they point out that you wouldn’t be dealing with this problem if you’d made different choices in the past.
Depending on what the issue is, they may even imply that you deserve what you’re going through because you’ve brought it upon yourself somehow.
And whilst our choices can, indeed, impact our life situations, that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve help when things go wrong, especially when we’ve realized our errors and are learning from them.
A person who blames you for your own misfortune isn’t someone you can count on for support when you really need them. In fact, turning to them may even leave you worse off, because instead of helping you to work through the problem, they may choose to allow you to fall deeper to “teach you a lesson” or punish you for not taking the “better” road, according to them.
4. They dismiss or downplay your difficulties.
While this person may show you comfort if your problems seem significant enough to them, they tend to dismiss or downplay the problems you’re going through if they can’t relate to them or if they have their own stuff going on.
They may say things like “that’s really not that big a deal”, or “I wish I had your problems — talk to me when you’re dealing with real issues.” The latter is particularly common if they have a stressful job or high-needs family members.
This can be hard to be on the receiving end of, as it can make you feel as though you’re overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing, and that you don’t have the right to feel pain because others have it worse.
This isn’t true. Your pain is valid. Try to remember that their reaction is a reflection of them, not you. They are likely so absorbed in their own lives and problems that they have lost the bandwidth and perspective to be able to feel empathy for others whose lives are different than theirs.
5. Reassurance is abundant, but action is sparse.
It’s very easy to show support verbally or through superficial responses. We see this every day on social media via “slacktivism,” such as sharing memes, changing photo frames, and so on.
In the real world, it manifests as a person who may be immensely comforting when you turn to them to talk about your problems, but they’re notably absent when you need physical help and support in a crisis.
When you need more than just reassuring words or a listening ear, like needing your “village” around you if you fall seriously ill or suffer a devastating loss, they’re suddenly nowhere to be found.
They’re too busy, they don’t have the wherewithal to handle your troubles, but of course they’re happy to send thoughts and prayers your way.
6. They try to one-up whatever you’re going through.
You may have had a truly rotten day or week and are facing one of the toughest challenges of your life, and turn to your friend for a comforting word or supportive gesture. But instead of acknowledging that you’re going through some awful crap, they respond by turning the conversation into a competition.
No matter what it is you’re going through, they have it worse.
Oh, you’re having a rough time at work and are afraid of losing your job? Well, their job is even higher stress, and if they lost theirs, it would be far more devastating, considering that their mortgage is twice what you pay, and they have more kids, pets, financial obligations, and so on.
Unfortunately, you can’t get real support from an individual who sees you as competition and needs to win the pity party game every time.
7. They don’t keep their word.
This person may promise to stop by after work to see how you’re doing, but then they flake out on that. Or they’ll reassure you for months that they’ll be there for your upcoming big day, such as a graduation, big race, public speaking event, etc., only to be a no-show the day of.
Unfortunately, these transgressions add up to make you patently aware that you won’t be able to count on them when you really need them.
Basically, a friend or acquaintance who can’t (or won’t) put the effort into being there for you during the good times is unlikely to step up and show real support for you when things are bad.
8. Their life is too turbulent for them to be there for you.
This isn’t a failing on their part, but rather a surefire sign that the person you’re turning to for comfort can’t necessarily be your support pillar on command.
Life can throw people some terrible curveballs, and even if this individual was once a source of strength and stability for you, they may no longer be that if their own life is falling apart.
Illness, trauma, relationship breakdown, and personal loss are just a few things that this person may be dealing with right now. They may sincerely want to be there for you, to offer support and comfort as they always have, but their own energy banks are running on empty.
This is tough, but if you care about this person, it may be an opportunity for you to turn things around and help them out, so long as you have the bandwidth to do so.
Final thoughts…
One of the scariest things to do in life is handle hardships on our own. Nobody is an island, and we all need to lean on one another on occasion.
As a result, when the person we turn to shows that they can’t always be counted on to give support when we need it, we can feel very scared and alone.
The good news here is that you’re far stronger and more capable than you give yourself credit for.
Leaning on the people around you is completely normal — even healthy — but have faith in your own strength and resilience as well.
