It’s easy to fall into the trap of entitlement. My own entitlement came from the social contract that was preached to me as a child. You get an education, find a wife, have a family, and work until you retire. I felt entitled to peace and happiness because I tried to follow the social script.
But ultimately that entitlement turned into resentment, which fueled anger at both the world and myself, and the problem is that a peaceful mind can’t dwell in anger and resentment.
Instead, you need to identify these subtle feelings of entitlement so you can stop subconsciously sabotaging your own happiness.
Let’s look at some signs that you subconsciously believe life owes you something.
7 signs you secretly believe life owes you (and why that keeps you stuck):
1. You believe that being a good person means you deserve good outcomes.
I had to learn that being a good person does not mean you should expect good outcomes or rewards. In fact, I would eventually realized that being a good person cannot be tied to outcomes.
Why? Well, because if the only reason you’re being a good person is to get something out of it, then that’s not really kindness; it’s manipulation. It’s a transaction: I’m good to you; therefore, I expect you to be good to me.
It’s unreasonable because that’s not how people actually function. The way people treat you is generally a reflection of their own inner world and character.
Some people treat others like garbage because they are insecure or deeply unhappy with themselves. Others just enjoy being mean and making other people suffer. It has nothing to do with you at all.
A lot of people believe that there is some sense of divine justice or balance. More power to you if that’s what you believe, but that isn’t what I’ve seen at all.
Good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people all the time.
2. You constantly compare your experiences to what other people have.
I was a bitterly unhappy person for a long time because I kept comparing my life to others. I didn’t even appreciate being alive until I was in my mid-30s.
I spent most of the years before that actively trying to survive bipolar disorder’s attempts to kill me. I would look at people whom I perceived to be happy and have a deep, burning rage at them. I didn’t understand why, for a long time.
It was resentment. How was this fair? How do people just walk around with the ability to be happy? To be able to meet their goals without mental unwellness threatening to turn it all to ash?
I fantasized about having the ability to do things like work a standard job, have a family, and do a bunch of mundane things that other people take for granted.
I was stuck because I kept asking “Why me?” I became unstuck when I started asking “Why not me?” What makes me so special that I’m somehow above suffering and struggle? What makes me so special that I’m somehow owed anything? I learned that everyone struggles, sooner or later.
3. You believe your suffering earns you consideration.
As someone who’s been through many hard times, there was a brief window of time when I felt like I deserved some kind of consideration for that.
I’ve struggled with my mental health, lived in poverty, abused myself, and was abused by my circumstances. The truth of the matter is that most people don’t care about that. They have their own struggles and opinions on how people should navigate them.
That’s why so many people look down on the homeless. Yes, there are many who are sympathetic to the plight of the homeless. However, there are just as many people who see homelessness as a matter of poor character or laziness.
Mental illness lands many people on the streets. Then, there are a significant number of homeless people who work but can’t afford a home.
Your suffering deserves compassion. Everyone’s does. However, you do not want to trap yourself by expecting compassion.
4. You feel like your effort deserves success.
Some people find themselves stuck because they’ve come to believe that hard work entitles them to the fruits of their labor. But unfortunately, that’s not always how it goes.
Sometimes, you can do everything right, and things still don’t work out in your favor. That’s just the way life is.
That can get you stuck in a loop of resentment while you try to figure out what you did wrong. But as the late Sir Patrick Stewart told us as Jean-Luc Picard, “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life.”
Boy, oh boy, is it ever.
The way that I unstuck myself from this resentment was through acceptance. I accept the fact that I have no true control over an outcome. All I can do is put my best effort forward and see what happens.
I think of it like shooting a bow and arrow. I can practice and practice. I can aim true. But once I let go of the arrow, I have no real control over where it lands.
5. You keep waiting for other people to set things right.
I’ve been wronged and have wronged plenty of people in my life. I found myself stuck when I held tightly to the idea that maybe I deserved some kind of apology. Surely, this person who wronged me would realize what they did, feel bad, and apologize? Then I could move on!
Nope. That’s not how it works most of the time, in my experience.
In my experience, many people who behave badly view their badness as a superior quality. They look at their ability to take advantage of other people as their “competitive edge.” They’re willing to do what other people won’t; therefore, they are more deserving!
And then, of course, some people are acting on something within themselves that isn’t healed or quite right.
You can trap yourself in a lifetime of anger as you hold out for an apology that’s never coming. Maybe they don’t believe they did anything wrong. Maybe they don’t remember things like you do. Or, maybe they just don’t give a damn about your suffering.
It takes a lot of emotional intelligence to understand how you did someone wrong, accept that you did wrong, and apologize for it. Not everyone has that.
6. You use your suffering or circumstances to justify why you can’t change.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say, “That’s just the way I am!” as though they are somehow completely powerless to create any kind of positive change for themselves.
The reality is that our biggest limitation is often our unwillingness to put in the work.
There’s a cynical belief that people never change, but that’s not correct, in my opinion. The reality is that many people can change if they want to; it’s just that a lot of them don’t want to.
Now, I’m not talking about situations where people don’t have access to resources. That’s different. I’m talking about the people who don’t want to do the work of understanding their behavior, taking responsibility for it, and changing their habits.
It’s a lot of work, but it all begins with deciding that you’re capable of doing it.
7. You believe that your life should be getting better.
I spent over 15 years undiagnosed with bipolar disorder. It cost me relationships, jobs, opportunities, and more.
At some point along the way, I fell into this idea that my suffering should somehow reverse its own course. Surely, I had suffered enough; therefore, things should be getting better for me any day now!
But that’s not how life works. That’s not how mental health works.
I only started to get better when I made the decision to start working on myself and my problems. Mental wellness and stability did not fall out of the sky into my lap.
It’s taken me years of therapy, self-reflection, self-development, and work to create the peace of mind that I now enjoy in a mind that used to be a hurricane of chaos.
If you sit around waiting for your suffering to be compensated, you’re going to spend a lot more time miserable than you need to.
You have to make the choice to stand up and pursue what you want.
Final thoughts…
Entitlement leads to resentment. I now know that I am not entitled to anything. I’m not entitled to peace, happiness, or even mental stability. The only reason I have any of these things is that I chose to take an honest look at myself, tear myself to pieces, and rebuild anew.
Maybe your circumstances aren’t as severe as mine. Maybe it’ll be easier for you to unstick yourself. Maybe it won’t.
But you have that power and ability. You will have to make the choice to work for it, and then put in the work. If I can do it, anyone can.
