As nice as it would be to only experience the joys and happiness of life, it’s inevitable that you will experience the sorrow and suffering, too. Setbacks happen, plans get derailed, and changes happen along the way – not always for the better.
But how do you maintain your peace and happiness while slogging through it?
The answer is resilience. Resilience is your emotional capacity to accept, adapt, and overcome the pains of life. But what traits are common in people who get more resilient as they age?
1. They use laughter and smiles to ease the difficulties of life.
They say that “laughter is the best medicine”. That statement holds true on many different levels.
Life can be so hard for some people. However, sometimes, all we can do is just keep pushing ahead to try to make our way through it. Resilience and wellness scholar Robyne Hanley-Dafoe, writes that humor, joking, and laughter can make the stress easier to bear because your mind isn’t constantly mired in the negativity. It’s a brief reprieve from whatever challenging circumstances you may face.
That’s also where dark humor comes from. Dark humor is a trait commonly found in careers like the military, emergency medicine, and other difficult jobs where being a part of suffering is normal. It builds resilience as a coping mechanism where they can relieve some of the stress they’re under, bonding with the other people around them who understand their challenges.
2. They accept loss and grief as just a part of life.
Loss and grief can change you. Loss could be losing a relationship that you thought was healthy, a loved one dying, or losing your career. And the older you get, the more loss you’re likely to experience. There are so many life events that can change the way you live life. Changes like these challenge you to adapt and overcome so you can keep moving forward, not getting mired in the “what ifs?”
As people become more resilient with age, they understand that an end leads to new beginnings. They feel that pain, but they reduce the impact by reminding themselves that they still have a life ahead of them to experience new things. There can be new opportunities so long as they stay open to the possibilities.
Like many people, I’ve found myself on the bad end of heartbreak more times than I’d like to remember. I don’t think you need me to tell you how painful it is. But one thing I’ve learned in the art of acceptance is how much easier the emotional load becomes when you can welcome something warmly and let it go with a smile. After I started doing that, cherishing the time I had with the people around me instead of lamenting the loss, the pain lessened so much that I would bounce back faster and happier than before.
Loss will come. What matters is how you handle it.
3. They shed perfectionism in favor of “good enough.”
Perfectionism is a roadblock to resilience. The constant anxiety of perfectionism wears you down when all you can think about is that you could have done better. Well, there’s no such thing as perfect, particularly since so much of life is subjective. Or, as the saying goes, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach on the tree – but some people just don’t like peaches.”
As you get older, you understand that it’s okay if things aren’t perfect. You accept your flaws and imperfections. You begin to understand that “good enough” really is good enough. You build resilience because you understand that mistakes are ok; in fact, they are to be expected. Once you stop being so hard on yourself, it’s much easier to bounce back when things go wrong.
4. They realize that grudges are pointless and forgive more easily.
You can hold a grudge for years that the other person stopped thinking about long ago. What good does that do you? All it does is pollute your thoughts and feelings with negativity that could be filled with happiness and joy. Happiness can’t live in the same space as that kind of negativity.
Dr. Rodney Luster reminds us that forgiveness is so difficult because it mirrors acceptance. People tend to hear forgiveness and tie it to an apology, where the person is remorseful about what they’ve done. The fact of the matter is that a lot of people do terrible things they are never sorry for. Instead, you’re challenged to accept what happened so you can move past it on your own. That is resilience.
In other circumstances, it becomes about forgiving people who did wrong because they didn’t know any better or couldn’t make good choices. Sometimes, people’s best just isn’t that good. But it is worth pointing out that just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you need to allow them back into your life.
5. They create or find meaning in the adversity they experience.
Adversity is a multi-faceted subject because it can range from circumstances that are difficult to just truly awful. There is a common belief that everything happens for a reason, so resilient people tend to look for the meaning in awful things. Other times, people may create meaning for themselves based on the circumstances that they went through.
Taking it a step further, sometimes, with age and wisdom comes the understanding that there isn’t always meaning. Sometimes, things are just awful because they are. Once you understand that, you become challenged to accept that sometimes bad things just happen. If you can accept that, it’s much easier to accept the negativity and move forward.
To find meaning is powerful, but resilience is moving forward even when there is no meaning.
6. They view adversity as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Avoiding challenges is a short-term solution that will snowball to a long-term problem. A resilient person is not afraid of uncertainty or adversity, or at least they are not so paralysed by fear that they avoid change and challenges at all costs. They know that confronting adversity now is just another way to prove their mettle and gain new wisdom. Instead of fear, they approach adverse situations with curiosity and a problem-solving mindset.
Uncertainty is just part of life. A wise, resilient person knows that they have survived uncertain times before, and they can do it again. And even if they don’t know the answers themselves, they know they are capable of finding the answers or help for themselves.
7. They cultivate and maintain a deep degree of curiosity.
The trait of curiosity plays more roles than one might imagine in maintaining a good life and positive mental health. Learning is a joy of its own if you let it be, but it serves a greater purpose for the curious person. It’s a way of learning from the experiences and resilience of others. They are then able to make better decisions, which can help them deal with emotionally challenging circumstances.
Not only that, but curiosity and learning also help with maintaining mental health. Learning keeps the mind healthy and staves off the mental deterioration that can come with age. It can also help in the prevention and slowing of diseases like Alzheimer’s and dementia.
8. They create and nurture their social connections.
Both science and casual observation tell us that social connection matters so much. Loneliness is an epidemic among seniors, affecting their mental and emotional well-being, which affects their resilience. Loving friends and family make life so much more fulfilling, but it requires regular effort to maintain those relationships.
It’s hard to have hope when you feel like no one cares.
Resilient people know that they can’t be strong all the time. Sometimes, they are going to need support through their difficult times. They also understand that there are times when they will need to provide it to their friends and loved ones, too.
A healthy social circle makes all of this much easier and more fulfilling.
Final thoughts…
Life is hard. That’s really all there is to it. The only way to get through it and preserve some of your peace and happiness is to know that you can make it through the difficult times. That’s what resilience is all about. Cultivate it as much as you can, where you can, and you’ll be able to survive when things get hard.
