When you think about the people you care about, you could undoubtedly list dozens of positive attributes about them, right? Even if they don’t think highly of themselves, you can bring attention to how striking their features are, how beautifully they smile, how elegant their hands are, and so on. In fact, you could probably create a long list of all the beautiful things you observe about them in the hope of boosting their self-esteem.
But what if you had to make a list of your own attractive attributes? Could you do it? Or would you focus more on your “imperfections” instead?
It’s easier to be kinder towards others.
People are often far more critical of themselves than they are of others, especially their loved ones. In fact, most individuals say awful, critical things to themselves on a daily basis that they would never say to their friends, their partners, or their children, and would get enraged about if anyone said that to someone they care about. Think about times in which others have criticized those close to you. How quickly did you leap to their defense? You likely reassured them instantly, told them all the things that were beautiful and wonderful about them, and offered to fight those who suggested otherwise.
The thing is, people know their own bodies better than anyone else ever will, and according to Psychology Today, this makes it easier to see their perceived flaws and fixate on them. Try this experiment sometime: ask a person to list 10 things about their appearance that they consider to be “flawed”, and then 10 things that they’re happy with and find attractive. They’ll have no problem listing the flaws (and will likely list far more than 10), but will struggle with the positive traits. Meanwhile, others see them in their entirety and generally focus on all their attractive and appealing traits, taking those supposed “flaws” in stride as quite irrelevant.
Love makes us blind to imperfections, and few people will ever love themselves as much as they love those close to them.
Formative conditioning plays a huge role.
Another key reason why others might consider you far more attractive than you think you are may be due to formative conditioning. If others were critical and judgmental towards you when you were growing up, or if you were surrounded by people who fixated upon their supposed shortcomings (as well as everyone else’s), you may have learned to hyperfocus on everything you perceive to be wrong about you.
For example, if you grew up in a family where disordered eating wasn’t just the norm, but encouraged, then you may be hypercritical about your own body. Similarly, if those around you always condemned your natural features as being “ugly” compared to those of popular celebrities — especially if you’re of a cultural background whose physical attributes don’t adhere to conventional, ethnocentric beauty standards — then you might think that you’re unattractive simply because you look different from the clone-type models, influencers, and actors you see every day.
Additionally, many people have been conditioned to believe that others only find certain physical traits attractive. This idea has been seeded over the decades to sell beauty products, diet drinks, and exercise equipment, and rarely, if ever, represents the reality of what others are drawn to. For instance, a young man might obsess over his physique and work out daily at the gym because he believes women are only attracted to gym bros; meanwhile, the girl of his dreams prefers “dad bods” and liked him exactly the way he was before.
We only ever see an inaccurate representation of ourselves.
It’s important to remember that how you see yourself is never an accurate representation of what you really look like. You’ll only ever see yourself in a reflection or a photograph, which captures a distorted version of you that’s never the same as how others see you.
In fact, the images we see of ourselves in mirrors are flipped reflections: how others see you is literally the reverse of how you see yourself on a regular basis. Add to that the fact that mirrors and cameras distort images, and it’s not surprising that you may have an unrealistic perception of how you look. In fact, very few people look good in photographs unless they’ve been trained to pose in very specific ways.
Social media really doesn’t help with this either: the health and beauty influencers who flaunt their flawless forms are a far cry from the 99.9999 percent of humanity who prefer to keep their blemishes and sagging bits firmly tucked beneath their clothes. Even “regular” people generally filter their online images to soften (or sharpen!) lines and brighten hues. If you’ve been doing this type of thing for years, you may not even have a solid idea of what you honestly look like, and what’s more, research shows it contributes to body image issues.
As a result, seeing a photo that you feel is unflattering might be shocking or even upsetting to you, and you might wonder how the hell anyone in your life could find you attractive when you think you look like an eldritch amalgamation of various farm animals. You undoubtedly look like a regular human being, but you’re so used to seeing altered, distorted images of yourself that the regular reality makes you feel like a monster.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Studies show that women of all ages and sizes feel worse about their own bodies (and faces) after looking at photos of models. Similarly, many men experience dysphoria and depression after looking at images of muscular athletes, because they compare themselves to those bodybuilders and feel intensely self-critical about their own body shape.
But those images aren’t even accurate and shouldn’t be used as standards to aspire to. All the photos you see in magazines and online images have been Photoshopped (or otherwise altered) to make the models look as flawless as possible. Furthermore, these models are generally being used to sell things: they’re essentially coat hangers for items or experiences, and who they really are has little to do with what they look like.
Other people will always see you as more attractive than you see yourself because they see you in your entirety, through a lens of friendship, love, and respect. Meanwhile, you scrutinize yourself constantly, and you aren’t just comparing yourself to those around you whom you may find more attractive — you’re also comparing yourself to other variations of how you used to be.
For example, if you’re in your 40s or 50s, you might be extremely self-critical because neither your face nor your body looks the same as it did when you were in your 20s, or whenever it was that you felt most attractive and comfortable in your own skin. But in reality, aging beautifully has very little to do with out you look.
Alternatively, if you went through an awkward phase when you were younger and got mocked relentlessly for it, you may perpetually see yourself as that ugly duckling. Even though those days are long past, you may have body or facial dysmorphia that literally prevents you from seeing the reality of your own attractiveness: you’ll only ever see the shortcomings others tormented you about in the past.
How you look is just one facet of your overall attractiveness.
If you ask the average person why they love those closest to them, how those people look will only be one item on a long list of attributes they’ll mention. They’ll mention the markers of inner beauty, like a great sense of humor, kindness, generosity, and integrity, with physical beauty generally lower on the list.
If you’re okay with being open and vulnerable with those close to you, consider asking them what they love about you and why they consider you an attractive person. They will undoubtedly offer you a long list of all the amazing things they admire about you; things you might not even have considered to be appealing. In fact, they might adore things about you that you’ve always been critical of.
This may surprise you, but people actually adore you for who you are, not despite the various flaws that you think you embody.
The gap in your teeth that you try to hide when you smile might be the most endearing thing in the world to your spouse or partner. And it might break their heart when they tell you how beautiful you are to them, and you brush them off or answer with a self-deprecating remark instead.
Try this exercise: the next time someone tells you something they find attractive about you, try believing them. If you trust this person and know that they wouldn’t lie to you about anything else that’s important, try to accept what they’re saying. Even better, try to see yourself the way they see you as well. Over time, you might view yourself with greater love and acceptance, and recognize what a beautiful expression of the universe you really are.
